Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[Hope67]

15th August 2020
Today I noticed an angry part has been with me for much of the day, and this was difficult as I was trying to concentrate on reading something that I want to focus on, but the angry part was often distracting my train of thought, and I felt many very physical and visceral reactions in my body - but what was good was that I got over the initial fear of that part, and managed to speak to her - telling her that I could hear she was angry, but also telling her how old I am (my Self), and that I wanted to read some things that I need to focus on, and I also told her that I'm 'safe now' - although I appreciated what she's done for me in the past, and I felt as if she responded to me, by relaxing in my body, and I asked her what she'd like to do - an image of riding her bike came as an option, so she agreed to do that, and I managed to read my book and concentrated much better.

I know the anger from that part is here because I've been doing CSA training, and would normally have avoided/distracted myself.  Hence I know that parts are highly activated at the moment, and knowing this, it is helping me to cope with the various feelings, thoughts and reactions I've been having.

Hope 

[Hope67]

16th August 2020
I feel like I've gone a bit over-board, as I've ended up buying more courses by Carolyn Spring, but it's a sale this month, and I am so convinced that her courses are what I need at the moment, and so I've ended up spending money - but I have been frugal on myself in other respects, and also this is for me recovery - and I don't have a therapist, so I feel like I'm investing in my recovery with a set of courses that will be beneficial.

I have been getting more body memories though - real pain in my stomach area.  I've also started having different content in my dreams - last night I dreamed about a long standing friend, who I realise wasn't really so much of a friend afterall - but somehow I had believed that she was my friend, only to discover maybe she wasn't so friendly. 

I'm beginning to re-evaluate my relationships (past), and regarding my FOO - I am shocked by things.  I can't write about it just yet, but I am really beginning to feel the reality of things that happened, and it really hurts a lot.

I also snapped at my partner just now, as he arrived home just as I was about to use my card to purchase some courses, and I was dissociating and unable to do what I needed to do, to make the transaction - he left me alone, and that's ok.  I think he understands.

I must pace things, because I am in some ways thinking that time is running out, but it's not - time is there, and I can do this.

My stomach really hurts at the moment.  But it's ok.  I'm ok.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

pain can be torturous to experience and move through.  love and hugs, hope, as you keep moving forward with all this.

[Hope67]

Thank you Blueberry and SanMagic

to both of you.

18th August 2020
I've been through quite a lot of EF's, mushed into a longer EF, but I think I'm emerging out of it.  I'm taking a break from doing any of the training course today, and hoping to do some other things that need doing.  I keep having anxiety though about things that I normally would cope with ok, so I'm still tipping into EF's - or maybe blended with a very anxious part of myself.
Hope 

[Hope67]

I am managing to get through the day, but it's been difficult.  I've been acting out some of the wishes of some of my parts, and that's been challenging, especially as I ended up in an E-mail discussion with someone that ended up with me thinking that the other person would think I am very peculiar indeed.  But I did apologise for my behaviour, and I hope that when they see me - that they'll be understanding.  But there is the dilemma for me - do I open up more to explain things, or keep things to myself.   I know I will vary on this, depending on which part of myself turns up at the time.

I'm feeling over-whelmed, I think that's the best description at the moment.  I feel like I'm being flooded with different thoughts, feelings and emotions, and I've been doing more research online into things that I have been recalling, and trying to make sense of linking pieces of information. 

I think I need to ground myself, and calm my system, because all parts seem quite activated at present.  Both protector parts and some exiled parts too. 

But I have been talking to my partner about how I've been feeling, and things I've been thinking, and I've been trying to minimise the impact of all this on him, because I know he would worry about me if he thought I wasn't coping.  I am coping.

Hope 

[marta1234]

  sending you strength and love Hope 

[Bach]

 

[Not Alone]

. . . because all parts seem quite activated at present.  Both protector parts and some exiled parts too. 

That has been true for me the last couple of days too. It makes me feel like my body is full of electricity and that my head is spinning.  It's difficult. 

[Hope67]

Dear Marta, Bach and Notalone - thank you all 

Notalone - I relate to what you're saying about feeling as if your body is full of electricity and your head is spinning, and I agree it is difficult.  I notice a definite feeling of 'electricity' in my body, particularly at nighttimes - and I find that my fingers and toes tingle.  It's like my body is preparing to run away/fight at that time, and all the blood goes to my organs.  But I don't know if that's what's happening, and whether that feels similar to you, or different.  But your description of 'electricity' was meaningful to me.  Thank you for sharing it.  I'm sorry that you're experiencing that though.  Sending you a hug 

19th August 2020
I've finished the CSA course - it was 6 hours of material, but it took me a few days to get through it, because I paced myself.  I will return to read more, and listen again, it was very useful for me.  It was also difficult.  But what I've noticed is that I've awoken a different part of myself who is more meticulous and organised, and is making me feel like I should be tidying up more, and doing more things.  That's quite interesting in itself, but I've allowed her to help me along with a few things, and I've achieved more things. 

I've also been seeing lots of things, via flashbacks, and putting more pieces together.  Whilst I'm writing this now, I have absolutely no emotions - but this has not been the case whilst reading and listening to the course material - there were some major feeling of emotions, and I was distraught for some of the time, and I was also getting in touch with a lot of angry feelings.  But right now, I have no emotions whatsoever - nothing feels emotive or emotional at all.  I am numb as I write this.

What I do want to say is how hopeful hearing Carolyn Spring's work has been - she has given me hope that I will recover and be able to move forward with my life.  I think she talks of tending the garden of life, and I like that saying - I wonder if Woodsgnome has said something like that somewhere too.  Or maybe I'm thinking of 'The Secret Garden' - I don't know. 

I'm keen to do the course about relational attachments next, as I feel that will be helpful to me.  So that's what I'm going to do, but I'll wait a day or two - because the fact I'm so devoid of emotion right now, makes me think that I'm defending myself, and therefore I need to re-connect to things.

I do feel like I'm very far away. 

I also think that I feel as if I should have realised so many things, there were so many messages from different parts of me over the years - they were trying to show me things at so many junctures, and I just didn't understand and couldn't process what they were telling me.  I feel like I need to apologise to them for missing the point so many times, and not being able to see things.  I know I'm using the word 'should' and really I think - whose rule is that.

I find it disconcerting that when I move my eyes from side to side, which I do sometimes to try to ground myself, that I can see floaters in my eyes - I hope that I'm ok.  I also remember seeing floaters in my eyes when I was a child as well.  I wonder why that was.

I feel the need to write 'letters to' - but so far I've not managed to write any for a long time.  I hope to do so, and hopefully soon.  I would like to express some things.

I feel a little less far away at this moment, that's better.  I'm glad. 

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I find it disconcerting that when I move my eyes from side to side, which I do sometimes to try to ground myself, that I can see floaters in my eyes - I hope that I'm ok.  I also remember seeing floaters in my eyes when I was a child as well.  I wonder why that was.

I once heard someone who works in the field of vision improvement say that in his experience, there's a connection between vision and trauma. He said he's found that people with vision problems have usually experienced some sort of trauma, and he's known their vision to improve as they've healed from that trauma.

Sending you a big hug.

[Not Alone]

Hope, thank you for your words and the hug.

What I do want to say is how hopeful hearing Carolyn Spring's work has been - she has given me hope that I will recover and be able to move forward with my life.

for hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - thanks for sharing what the person said about vision and trauma.  That is really interesting to hear.  I also appreciate the big hug, thank you!   

Hi Notalone - Thank you.   

20th August 2020
I feel as if a more competent and grown-up part of myself has been with me through today - which was helpful as I had some challenging things I needed to do, and I was aware that I must 'look different' when I'm in that persona, because the reactions of people I had seen today made me think that they were surprised at how I was - and this reminded me of how people had reacted to me in the past, when they had noticed this more competent part of myself.  It's interesting.

I think I 'look different' and that it surprises people - they think they know me well, and yet somehow I look different to them - and they're not sure what it is about me that is different, but they usually give me compliments.  Like telling me my hair looks nice, or something like that.

Hope 

[marta1234]

Sending you a hug Hope for a great day and for all the work you've been doing with yourself

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
Thank you so much 

21st August 2020
I've been finding today far more difficult, in so many ways.  Last night I felt like I blended with an extremely anxious part of myself, and therefore much of the night was spent partially awake, and worrying about world events, daily worries, and all the things I've been processing lately.  So a real mixture of things, but it felt very angsty and I felt low when I woke up. 

I felt as if I was a different blended persona in the morning - unknown age - but the feeling was 'can't be bothered' and I felt pains in my shoulder and back.   I was amazed at the difference with the persona of yesterday - where I had felt competent, and as if there was a teenager or early 20's age of person with me - who had enjoyed choosing clothes to wear, and make-up too, and paid attention to hair.  None of that today at all.  No make-up worn, and chose more drab clothes to wear. 

I think last night I felt more of the reality of life, rather than the foggy dreamlike quality that life can sometimes take on, and I didn't like it.  It made me feel scared and anxious.

I have great urges to binge on food today, but I'm trying not to do that, and my partner is here, so this does stop me from reaching for food. 

I've started the course by Carolyn Spring about Relational stuff, and it's all about attachment theory, and I am finding it helpful, and it is making me think about my attachments throughout life, and I've been processing some of that.  It's helpful.

Hope