Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[Hope67]

I've ended up having a bit of a melt-down infront of my partner - because there was something that I had felt upset about, and ended up talking it through with him, but ended up in floods of tears.  I was able to explain that I've been upset by doing quite a bit of work on myself - the courses that I've been doing on CSA and relational (attachment) stuff. 

I feel quite exhausted now.  But having shed lots of tears, having talked to him, and finding that he is supportive, non-judgemental and there for me, it means a lot. 

Hope 

[Bach]

Oh, Hope, well done on talking things through with your partner.  It's so hard to open up that way, even with someone you trust.  How wonderful that he responded so well!

[Blueberry]

Oh, Hope, well done on talking things through with your partner.  It's so hard to open up that way, even with someone you trust.  How wonderful that he responded so well!

[Hope67]

Hi Bach and Blueberry - thank you both so much 

22nd August 2020
It's been more of a roller-coaster emotionally today - it seems I had a lot of things I wanted to say today, and indeed I did say them, again to my partner, and it's been very emotional.  But it's been cathartic too, and I feel so much better for getting everything I needed to say out.  Even though the result is I've got a headache, I look terrible (very red swollen eyes) and I feel dehydrated.  I feel exhausted.

But my partner is off work now, and we agreed that we'll do some things together next week, and that we'll enjoy time and take things easy.  So I feel like I'm going to be on holiday, and that's a nice feeling.  We might do some day trips as well. 

I also agreed to take a break from my courses, and allow myself to settle emotionally.  Then start again once our holiday is over.  I feel ok about that as a plan.  I need to get something non trauma related to read - so think I will have a look at what books I have, and whether there's something I'd like to re-read, or maybe buy something new to read.  Maybe get a magazine or two.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Sounds like you've been working really hard on your healing and doing real concrete steps forward too like talking to your partner and releasing emotions   Good for you on taking a break in the coming week. I hope you can enjoy your time and that you find a good book to read or re-read as well. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am glad I'm taking a break this week, and I'm going to have a proper holiday now, as my partner has booked us into a B&B for a couple of days!  It's a long time since we've had a break.

I was reading something you'd said about catering to your adult and child parts, and I think I'll bear that in mind for my holiday - in terms of trying to ensure we do things that are meaningful to my different parts - and maybe I'll take a couple of books along so that I can read an adult one, but also a child one too.  Just need to choose some now.


Hope 

[marta1234]

Sending you much love Hope  Hope it works for you and your healing during this break.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta, Thank you so much 

29th August 2020
I found my break to be beneficial.  It was a mixture of things, some things were relaxing and enjoyable, and some were a bit stressful.  But overall the break was beneficial as I feel better for it.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

letting those emotions out certainly can be exhausting, hope.  i know that one!  here's  for you for being brave enough to do it anyway.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Not Alone]

Hope, I'm glad that overall your break was helpful. You deserve rest and refreshment.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Yes, it was very exhausting, I hadn't realised quite how much, but being away on a holiday has shown me that.  Thank you so much for the love and hugs, and sending them also to you 

Hi Notalone, Thank you    I did get some rest and also some refreshment.  Those are good feelings.

31st August 2020
I want to get into my courses again (the ones by Carolyn Spring) but I'm holding back till I have some time that is my own - because I know that it will bring up things, and that will be tiring.  But I really want to do more of the courses. 

I've noticed that when I've been saying things to others in this forum, that my inner critic has a go at me, so I am aware that there is a part of myself who is finding it annoying that I try to communicate to others about my feelings and my thoughts.  But I think that this place is a safe place to do that, and that people do understand, hence I am going to try to continue to communicate.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

But I think that this place is a safe place to do that, and that people do understand, hence I am going to try to continue to communicate.

This place feels safe and understanding to me too. I always value the things you say.

[Hope67]

I was watching a soap opera today - it's an Australian drama called 'The Heights' and it has different relationship issues in it, and covers quite a bit of stuff about teenagers too - and I ended up crying today whilst watching it, because they were addressing sexual stuff between 16 year olds, and I found the support of the adults talking to the youngsters, and contrasted this with my own experience in my teens, and the lack of boundaried sensible information, the lack of understanding, and many other blurred boundaries too.  It made me cry to think of the difference.  It's like I'm beginning to feel the lack of support and understanding.  Like my younger parts are realising what they missed.

I also want to mention an experience I had whilst on holiday - during the night, I realise that my partner ended up talking to part of myself (i.e. I was blended with a part, and I remember part of the interaction, but not all of it) and that part was distraught to realise how old I actually am.  It was like she had awoken and realised she'd missed a few decades of her life!  Really upsetting.  I remember the feelings, and my partner told me that I'd ended up bursting into tears - but I don't remember doing that. 

I've also remembered when I was a child - possibly about 8 to 11 years of age - not sure how old, but I remember the day I split into at least 4 parts - I gave them 4 different names, and they became imaginary friends of mine - but held different parts of my personality within each of them.  I remember the names, and I remember what they were like.  Someone posted about their imaginary friends somewhere, and this evoked my own memories of that. 

I also had a very different dream last week, which was so different from previous ones - it was like I was a special guest of honour at a meal, in an Italian restaurant, and they had prepared lovely food for me, and they had also allowed me to choose nice clothes to wear, and I actually felt like I deserved to wear them, and I felt good in them.  This contrasts to how I generally feel - i.e. I don't feel good in clothes, and I tend to dress in quite demure and drab ways most of the time. 

I was surprised by that dream - the feelings were nice ones though.

Glad to be able to write these things today.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I just saw what you wrote, and thank you - I also value things you say too - I'm glad it also feels like a safe and understanding place for you too.  I value this place and everyone in it, very much.   
Hope

[marta1234]

  you've been doing so much work lately with your parts. I wanted to acknowledge that. And I'm happy that you felt some comfort in realizing what some of your parts missed from their experience with adults. I feel like films and series are a way to communicate with our parts and let them feel the abandonment and neglect that they got. I know my parts are always glad when they can express their sadness or anger through characters on screen.
Sending you support to continue on your journey