Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[Not Alone]

My plan is to be kind to myself today - not put pressure on myself to do any particular thing.  Although I do have things I want to achieve today - so I guess I have structure, which is a good thing too.  But I can choose how much, and what I do, so I can put some things in the day that will be kindnesses to myself, and I hope to do that.

Yea! 

- and it made me wonder about the Social worker who came to visit me and my family - and how she overlooked my needs, and saved my elder sister.  I feel guilty for even saying that - because it looks like I'm being selfish for considering my own needs, but I do think that nobody thought about my needs.  They seemed to think about themselves, and expected me to keep their secrets, and look after their needs.

It is okay for you to consider your needs. It isn't selfish. And ADULTS should have been attuned to you and cared for your needs.

[Tee]

  thanks for your courage it's important to take time for yourself and give yourself permission to relax. Big hug.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i think there's a difference between being selfish and being self-ish.  the second one is healthy, as in looking at your self, caring about your self, and knowing what your self needs.  may i encourage you to continue being self-ish - i believe it's the most positive way to self health.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop, Notalone, Tee and SanMagic,
Thank you all for what you said, it means a lot.  I appreciate you all 

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2nd October 2020
I have been beginning to notice more when I'm in an EF, and also when I'm switching between different parts of myself, and I am also managing to get my rational brain online more - and indeed, I've found that I need to do this more lately, as I've been experiencing more triggers.  There are issues going on with people I know which are quite triggering, and I'm trying therefore to cope and handle more stress as a result of those things.  Thankfully my partner is a real support and we're discussing things together regularly, and sharing our thoughts and feelings about things.  So that's been really helpful too.

Often, I've been relating to the thought of being in a waiting room of some kind, awaiting something - but interesting that now I'm beginning to tell parts of myself that we don't need to wait in that waiting room anymore, but that we can take tentative steps outside to look around, and that's ok. 

I also feel on the verge of allowing myself to do some creative things.  But I've not ventured to do that yet.  But I am thinking about it. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're sharing with your partner on a regular basis, hope, and that it's working out to your benefit!  i think it's wonderful for the both of you.

the waiting room scenario is interesting, especially in how it's changing.  keep up the good work, my dear.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

  to you Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,  Yes, it's good to have my partner to share things with, and it really does help us both to do that.  Thank you for the love and hugs    The waiting room scenario is definitely a theme, and it is changing.

Hi Blueberry,  Thank you so much   

**********
6th October 2020
I feel like things are going on in a way that feels quite clunky, and I am feeling like a deer who is just stumbling along and trying to find her feet - and stumbling and falling sometimes - that's how it feels this last few days.  I feel a great sense of vulnerability, but also some strength and determination as well - so it is definitely some contrasting feelings. 

I've been taking steps which involve making some appointments and dealing with some things that I'd previously been putting off.  My brain keeps coming across situations where I freeze and can't find my words, but thankfully I'm managing to negotiate my way through these things, and I've been coping.

I'm still reading the Cathy Glass book - the second one now - and finding it very helpful, as my inner children definitely pay attention to things in the book, and therefore we all glean something from it.  I might put a few quotes from the book in this journal at some point, but so far I'm purely reading it.

I keep thinking that I should start a written journal where I can write things by hand - because that might enable different parts of me to express themselves, but I am finding that there are parts of me that are resistant to that idea, and don't allow me to actually act on the thought.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

I keep thinking that I should start a written journal where I can write things by hand - because that might enable different parts of me to express themselves, but I am finding that there are parts of me that are resistant to that idea, and don't allow me to actually act on the thought.

I find a written journal very helpful. I have some Parts who process a great deal by writing and some by sketching in the journal. My five year old Part decorates my journal with stickers. I hear that some parts of you are resistant to a journal. Do those parts know why or what they are afraid of?

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
That is really helpful, thank you.  When you mentioned that your five year old part decorates your journal with stickers, it reminded me of a time when a part of myself decorated a work diary that I had, and the effect stood-out a lot.  I think at that time, I wasn't as in control of my parts - i.e. I was more blended with one at the time, for that to have happened.  Anyway, it's an amusing memory for me now, when I think back on it.  Not upsetting at all.

I find your question 'Do those parts know why or what they are afraid of? to be helpful, and I'm going to try to look into that with my parts.  Thank you for sharing your experience and also that question. 

***********
8th October 2020
That stumbling tentative feeling has changed today - I feel stronger in my ability to move forward, but at the same time, when I was reading a few things people had written (here in the forum) I felt some anxiety because I realise I've not kept up with attending some of the virtual conferences that there have been - even though I had ear-marked them to attend.  I didn't attend.  I feel like time is slipping away too quickly, and there's insufficient time...  The free Trauma and Attachment conference was one I wanted to attend, but somehow I've not managed to see any of the talks - why is this?  Is it resistance from my parts again.

I've also halted my attendance in Carolyn Spring's 'Shame Course' - because I think I can't process so much currently. 

I realise now - I've been doing quite a few things this week - attending to appointments, which have been stressful in themselves, as they involve interacting with people I don't know.  I've also been trying to sort out some things that have meant complaining online, and that has it's own issues - so I've been negotiating my way through those. 

I've also been trying to tidy up things at home, and get organised more.  I am making some progress with this.

I can see as I write these things that I'm doing ok - in that I am making some progress, but I feel like I've then neglected some other things, and that brings up feelings of stress.  But I am unable to handle everything, I am human.  I am not perfect, even though I hold elements of perfectionism, that aren't healthy to hold.  So I need to let those go, and be the human that I am.

At nighttime, I've been noticing when I switch to different parts, and noticing when more anxious parts come into my body - and I've been able to soothe those parts.  This feels so much better than how things used to be - when the dread would envelop me, and I might have night terrors.  I haven't had any night terrors for a long time now.  I am relieved about that.

I think I lost time a couple of times - in that I literally couldn't recall what I'd done, and where I'd put something that I had clearly remembered seeing and touching previously - I want to just mention that here, as it spooked me out a bit.  This happened in the daytime.  It was disorientating to experience it.  I don't know what triggered it.

I have to go now.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

To me, it sounds like you are doing a lot. Interacting with people can be very tiring.

I'm always amazed and impressed with you and the seminars that you attend. At this point in my journey, I fear I would be too easily triggered, and up to now I have not viewed any of those. I know that you desired and intended to attend some of the seminars, but as you said, there are limits to how much you can process.

Yea, that you are able to soothe some of your Parts. That is great and big progress.

I hear that it was scary and disorienting to loose time. 

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
Thank you so much for all you said here, and for your validation, it means a lot.  Thanks also for the hugs 

***********
10th October 2020
Last night I didn't sleep so well - I found it was harder to soothe myself, because I felt a part of myself to be present which held a lot of angst and grief, and didn't want to be pacified.  So I had to just wait it out, till eventually I was able to sleep.

My partner had also told me that earlier in the week that I'd been talking in my sleep again, and had sounded frightened, although he said that it didn't last very long at all, and I had appeared to calm fairly quickly. 

I do remember having an experience where I felt as if I held my stomach, and it somehow felt as if it was 'baggy' - and somehow I thought that maybe I'd given birth to a baby, and it was what was left.  But I've never been pregnant in my life, and never given birth.  Also, my stomach isn't really baggy - but I wonder if it was me experiencing something depersonalising - i.e. 'little me' experiencing my bigger body, rather than anything else.  I don't know.  I wanted to note it here, to remember the experience.  Not sure what it means, or even if there's any meaning to it.  But interesting how I interpreted it and the sense I made of it.

Whilst I managed to cope with some social things this week, and some appointments, I have ended up cancelling something that I was due to do next week - because I just don't feel I can cope with it.  I E-mailed the person, and they replied by offering me other time-slots to attend, but I said I can't do it at the moment - didn't give them a reason why.  Thankfully they didn't push it after that.  But the fact is that I felt too anxious socially to cope with the idea of that thing.  I wonder if that apprehension had added to my inability to sleep so well last night.  Maybe I'll sleep better tonight, now I've cancelled it. 

Hope   

[sanmagic7]

good for you, hope, on recognizing and acting in a self-caring way about that social anxiety.  well done!

i've heard that writing with the hand that is not dominant accesses child parts. another thought i had was perhaps asking one of your littles if they'd be willing to just make a mark on a piece of paper, and have crayons, markers, something with colors, available.  some parts may be too young to know how to write, but could scribble or just enjoy making colors show on the paper.  if that doesn't feel right for you or them, please ignore.

you are certainly working hard at all this, hope.  i'm glad you decided to take a break when you needed to.  love and hugs

[Tee]

  hugs Hope,
I'm glad you were able to do some of the things you need to this week. October is a hard month for me if I could I would stay in bed until it was over.  It is good to be able to say no to the things that you feel are to much.  Those are good boundaries.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you for mentioning the non-dominant hand writing - I've tried it before a long time ago, and didn't get very far with it, but I really want to enable my younger parts to communicate, and I'm going to try it again.  I like the idea of the crayons incase the parts are too young to write - they could just do something - whatever they wanted to.    Thanks SanMagic, and sending you a hug 

I admit there's a part of me that is apprehensive about what they might communicate.  This goes back to an experiential Art session that I did years ago, when I created a painting that shocked me.  I guess I fear doing something like that again, but it would be less upsetting, as it would be in private as opposed to in a group of people, like it was when I did that picture.  I think I was carrying shame for what I created.

Hi Tee - thank you so much, and I'm sorry that October is a hard month for you.  I hope that you will be ok for the second half of October, and that November might be a better month.  Sending you a hug 

********
11th October 2020
I struggled again to sleep last night, and this time I was with a part of myself who was definitely upset - she was feeling such a large amount of guilt - she had wanted to be there for my FOO (parents) and felt like I had failed them by not continuing to be there for them.  I felt her upset very strongly, and I felt her guilt.  But I didn't feel like it was 'me' - I felt she was a separate part of me, and I tried to tell her that it wasn't good for any of us (i.e. all my parts) to have continued to have contact with such a dysfunctional situation.  I hated feeling the guilt and the grief, it was very intense. 

I was grateful when I slept and woke to find a new morning.  I felt anxious as the day went on, as I had to visit my partner's family - and I managed to cope with that, and it wasn't too bad.  It was ok. 

I hope I sleep a bit better tonight.  I feel tired, so I think I might.

Hope 

[Hope67]

12th October 2020
Last night, I felt like I was processing more, and getting in touch with different parts of myself.  The strange thing about it was that I felt in my mind as if my body was standing looking in one direction, and the different parts were behind me - so I couldn't see them, but they were enabling me to 'feel' things that they were feeling, and so I was experiencing what seemed to be their feelings.  I got in touch with an extremely distressed and frightened part of myself, and I told that part that I was grateful that they had shown me how distressing they felt, and I wondered if they could share what it was that had upset them and scared them, but I didn't get very far with that. 

This morning, I realised that some of those parts were still blended with me, because something very normal that my partner did, ended up sending me into distress quite quickly, and I was crying, and kept saying 'I don't know why I'm crying' - he comforted me.  I told him I'd been processing things overnight, and that I didn't think I'd unblended, hence ending up so upset.  He was understanding of that. 

As the day has gone by, I have felt a bit better and there was even a moment when I felt like my inner parts settled and felt safer for a few moments, and that felt very good.

I had things I wanted to do today, but I ended up doing different things, and I've told myself that's ok. 

Hope