Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[Bach]

Anger is so hard. I'm thinking of you, Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi Viola,  Thanks for what you said - and Welcome to the forum.  I really like your name, it's a colour I like very much.  Integrating and befriending parts has been a process that I've embraced, and whilst it's been challenging, I am glad I'm doing it, and I am getting somewhere.  You mentioned stopping your anger from turning inwards, and that's such a positive thing to be able to do.    to you as well.

Hi Bach - Yes, anger is hard.  I agree with you.  Thank you so much for your hug, and sending one back to you as well.   

**********

TW Mentioning CSA in this entry to my journal today:

26th October 2020
I've been reading the book called "Breaking free workbook: Practical help for survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" and have read Chapters 1 and 2 today.  I have been thinking of 'The Secret Garden' as my Safe Place - and imagining people from this forum in that place, and the flowers and lovely things in the garden, and the safety of it. 

I also went through a diary that I have which has my time-line in it, and I was able to think about things on that time-line again, and I processed some emotions and feelings as I thought of different things.  I felt like there was some movement in my emotions - and that I was able to make some more sense of things, and noticed some things I'd not noticed before.

However, later in the day, when I was talking to my partner, I found that I was dissociated and in a different state of mind where I seemed to project things onto him that weren't in reality - i.e. I was feeling as if he was being critical to me, but infact he wasn't.  Then I felt like I couldn't keep hold of my emotions, and I ended up crying, as I felt very stupid and I told him that I felt like I was weird.  But I realise I was in an EF at the time, as when I came out of that - I felt completely different - and realised that a filter had been put in place at that moment that made me analyse things in a way that wasn't real. 

I'm annoyed with myself for how clumpy I find my language at the moment - it feels stilted, but I hope I can say what I want to say.

I also wrote a bit in my new diary where I want to write about feelings, and so I've made more of a start with that.  I just open it wherever I feel like writing, and just write - I do put the date next to the entry, so I know when I've written something. 

Regarding the Workbook on CSA, I am feeling scared to actually 'do' the exercises, but I do intend to try to do some of them, because I normally tend to read things, intellectualise about them, rather than 'feel' or 'do' the things.  I'm moving into a phase where I literally want to progress more with 'doing' the exercises and I want to do this.

I get pain located in my stomach area when I'm reading things about CSA.  It focuses mainly on my left-hand-side of my stomach.

That interests me, because when I feel like I'm having any memories related to very young or pre-verbal parts of myself, I get pain in my left occular area, left side of my temple and head. 

This reminds me that last night, I was dreaming more - and there were work related memories - but in a different job area than the one I actually did.  Also at one point in the night I felt as if I was having a huge burst of electricity through my brain, and I wondered if my heart rate was very high.  I also woke with my right hand completely numb at one point, and I had to bang it around and move it to get the blood flowing again - and get the feeling back into it. 

I have found that I can 'take a break' from someone on Facebook by snoozing their posts for 30 days - I didn't realise I could do that, but I've done that to my estranged Sister, because I was finding the things she was posting lately to be quite triggering - they were quite passive aggressive things, and I couldn't help feeling as if she was trying to communicate with me.  But I realise that could have been a bit paranoid on my part - but I feel better for having snoozed her posts - I'll see how I feel after 30 days, as to whether I will see them again, or re-snooze her.

There's been a part of me that becomes active at night, and is really distraught about the fact I'm not in contact with my FOO - it's like she is upset and distressed about that, but I try to pacify her that they are most likely ok, but that I can't cope with them in my life.  Actually I don't think I get through to her at all - but I do listen to her angst that she feels, and I do think that I wish it wasn't like it is, but for my sanity I need to protect myself.

Whilst I write that, I notice physical tension just under my breast bone - at the top of my stomach.  Interesting that it moves around depending on what I'm thinking.

I keep getting flash-backs to a film I watched when I was a child, which was about a person who was kept in a dark tunnel place and had been kidnapped and kept there, and fed and watered by the captors, who rarely turned on the light or talked to their victim.  This had been a frightening film to me, and I had thought that it was possible that it could happen to me - nothing like that has ever happened to me, but I think my mind likes to show that to me from time to time.  I thought by writing it here, maybe I can move that image on, and maybe it will not come so often.  I wonder why it is being shown to me lately, and whether it will change or disappear.

Chapter 3 of the Workbook is called 'Coping Strategies' so I'm looking forward to reading that - hopefully tomorrow.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

so glad that my thoughts might be helpful.  let us know, ok?

i get body sensations, too, when i'm remembering or processing something from the past.  it's not a body memory, but i do have a lot of sensations in my gut, which i think has held a lot of trauma emotions for me.  for example, when i feel fear about something, my chest gets tight.  i think a lot of the alexithymia has taken its toll by storing my emotions in my body.

you are doing so much lately - reading, writing, processing, wanting to go further and 'do' rather than just think about something.  i think it's a lot.  wow! 

good for you for putting your sis on 'snooze'.  i'm sorry one of your parts is mad about it, but i congratulate you on doing what's best for you.  the idea of keeping our sanity is huge for me.  well done   lots of love and a hug filled with easy does it.

[Hope67]

Thanks so much SanMagic - I appreciate everything you said.   
Hope 

[Hope67]

I have an urge to go into everyone's journals and give them a hug - but instead of doing that, I'm going to just put a big hug here for everyone      
Hope 

[marta1234]

Hope, here's an infinite amount of support from all us ! Thank you so much for caring about everyone, I'm very glad that I can proudly say that I know someone like you on this forum Honestly, I'm so thankful for everyone's support here and sharing of their journeys. It finally feels like a safe space for me (which I've never had in my life) 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Hope. Hugging you back. 

[Hope67]

Hi Marta & Notalone,

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

  back atcha, hope!

[Tee]

  well here's one for you Hope!  Thanks for thinking of me.🙂. I needed the hug today.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & Tee

Those big hugs are great, thank you both.   

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31st October 2020
Last night, whilst getting off to sleep, I was trying to communicate with my younger inner parts, and gain their trust - and I was having a conversation with one of them, and I was asking them to tell me more about what had happened.  I didn't get very far with that, as I must have fallen asleep before getting any reply about that, but what did happen in the night was that I woke at one point, and had the experience of not realising the size or maturity of my actual body - I must have thought I was a very young child again, and then I was shocked at the fact my body is that of a mature adult woman. 

I'm currently reading a self-help book called 'Breaking Free Workbook - Practical help for survivors of child sexual abuse' by Carolyn Ainscough & Kay Toon, and I'm currently on Chapter 3 'Coping Strategies'.

I just wanted to write one part here, as this is what I'm currently trying to do - they wrote "The exercises in this book ask you to take a different approach to dealing with your pain.  They ask you to write, to talk, to paint or to use other non-verbal ways of expressing yourself.  Instead of blocking or distracting from your feelings and memories they help you to experience and express them and to learn to think and feel in a new way about your past".

They go on to say "As a child you were probably unable to express your thoughts and feelings about the abuse directly because you had to keep it a secret.  This was not right and as an adult you can choose to do something different.  Writing, talking, and painting are non-harmful coping strategies that you can learn to use in your everyday life not just when you are doing these exercises.  Some people find it helps to keep a journal to note down their feelings day by day.  Survivors have also recommended dancing, singing, sculpting and listening to music as ways of getting in touch with an releasing their feelings."

____

I have started to try to 'do' some of these things - in a more focused way - and I have been looking for music on Spotify by using themes - i.e. 'happy music' or 'sad music' to see what emotions I feel when listening to those songs/music that are evocative of those emotions.  I've been allowing myself to let whatever emotion comes up, just happen. 

I'm also trying to keep in mind the needs/wants of my various inner children - who seem to be at various different ages, and trying to do something for them each day - I find if I keep their needs in mind, then I get on better than if I forget about them.  So daily attendance to their needs seems to be a good thing.

I have to go now, as my partner is wanting to talk to me.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i once heard that abused children were often told not to speak of what was going on or something terrible would happen - but, as the suggestions in your book say, there are other ways to let out the emotions, even the events themselves, without necessarily having to speak.  all those creative ways you spoke about could do the trick.  i know that writing and drawing have helped me a lot.

you're doing some wonderful work, hope.  sending love and a hug full of encouragement for this part of your journey.   

[Hope67]

Thanks SanMagic - I appreciate your supportive words and your love and hugs 

*******

TW Mentioning CSA - in terms of an exercise I am hoping to do, but nothing explicit written about it, just the exercise itself:
I'm hoping to do an exercise from the CSA Workbook over the next few days, and I might share it in the forum, once I've done it - as I would appreciate some validation of what I write.  I hope I am brave enough to do that, as it feels daunting to do the exercise and to share it, and even writing this now - I feel bad for doing so.  But I think that's a part of me that doesn't want me to do the exercise at all.

It's this exercise:
Why I couldn't tell
Aim: To help you understand the pressures that were on you to remain silent about the abuse.

Write an account of why you were unable to tell anyone about the abuse.

It might help to first try to answer the following questions:
How old were you when the abuse first began?
Who could you have told?
How do you think other people would have reacted?
What are the reasons why you couldn't tell someone straight away?
What are the reasons why you couldn't tell when it had been happening for some time?

Why I couldn't tell...

**********

I'm hoping that writing this here, means I'll do this exercise in the coming days, and hopefully might share what I write.  If I'm brave enough, but if not, I won't.    It's ok either way - but I hope to do it.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

I'm hoping that writing this here, means I'll do this exercise in the coming days, and hopefully might share what I write.  If I'm brave enough, but if not, I won't.    It's ok either way - but I hope to do it.

Yes, either way is okay. Sometimes it's not the right time. Later or never is okay too.

I'm also trying to keep in mind the needs/wants of my various inner children - who seem to be at various different ages, and trying to do something for them each day - I find if I keep their needs in mind, then I get on better than if I forget about them.  So daily attendance to their needs seems to be a good thing.

Awesome.

[Tee]

  good luck Hope I  hope that if it's the right time you find the answers to your questions, And are able to share what you think will be helpful to you and others.  I'll be thinking of you.  Big hug!