Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[sanmagic7]

hope, i think you took a big step just writing what you did.  one step at a time - you're already doing good with this.  when it's time, you'll take the next step, but each one counts on its own.  well done!     love and hugs

[Bach]

You give me so much to think about, Hope.  Good luck with this exercise

[Hope67]

Hi notalone, Tee, SanMagic and Bach - thank you all for what you wrote - I appreciate your support and your hugs 

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8th November 2020
I didn't realise how difficult I would find the exercise that I was thinking about - I did write the answers down, and I remember that I was struck by how much came up for me - i.e. underneath the responses I'd written.  So much more was there - and I noticed feelings like shame and embarrassment, and so many difficult emotions.  I also found that there were parts of me that were so reluctant to allow me to share any of it, to write about it in my Journal, or indeed anywhere - I needed to just hold those feelings for a while, and carry them about.  I noticed that my dreams have become more real and I wish I'd written about them, but I didn't. 

I also found that I couldn't come here for a few days - or at least, whenever I came here, I felt unable to write anything!  It was almost as if there were parts of me that wanted me to be isolated, and not to share things. 

But I did read some things - and I remember reading an article that Kizzie shared - about someone who was 'acting out' and allowing herself to move forward with feelings and experience things - I can't remember her name, or what the name of the article was - but I really thought it was a great article.  The word Armstrong comes to mind, maybe that was her surname.  I can't remember though.  I will look back to find it sometime, but not right now - I'm just keen to write something here, as I've not been able to do that for a few days!

I had some realisations in the last week as well - I was thinking that maybe my priorities aren't for working through the CSA so much, because whatever I experienced as a child, it's happened to me, and I've moved on from it.  Yes, it impacts on me still, and I recognise the ways it impacts, but I realise that I avoid processing things related to the loss of my work - and I recognise that currently I feel a bit stuck in a limbo land where I want to start focusing on a new direction in my life - and do some different things than I've done before.  But somehow I feel as if I can attempt them, but then I sabotage my attempts to do anything about it.  Like I am 'stuck' - in a corridor of life - like a freeze state. 

But the article that I read about 'acting out' and experiencing, that seemed like it held a key.  So I will explore that more.

I'm thankful to have written something again here. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

That's a big exercise you were doing, wow. Huge.
I'm glad you've been able to share now. I get that too though - come on the forum and can't write at all, or am able to respond to other mbrs but can't write anything about myself. ime the time the comes when it comes. It does come!

Thank you for your hugs to the whole forum recently. Here are some for you 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much for the hugs, I appreciate them very much 

**********
11th November 2020
I needed to come here just now, because I just felt a bit over-whelmed in myself and felt like if I write something down here, then maybe I'll feel a bit better.  I was thinking that I've been very hard on myself, trying to get myself to 'do various things' - and that maybe I've been over-doing it, and therefore got over-stressed.  So I am pausing and I'm going to be kind to myself.  Do something.... no - not even do anything!  Just take a few moments to pause.

I feel as if I would like to hibernate in bed, but I don't feel I can actually do that, as I need to cook food soon - I feel quite exhausted actually.  Really tired.  Maybe I'll get an early night tonight, and that will help.

I'm going to make myself a drink just now - a cup of tea, something like that.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I've just been catching up with your journal, Hope, and wanted to send you a Big Hug.

[Tee]

  hope I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed.  I hope you can take some time to just breathe and rest. Sending you a big hug of encouragement.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're recognizing your high stress levels.  i think pausing is always a good idea in such cases.  love and hugs, hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - thank you so much for the big hug, and I've missed you, 
Hi Tee - thank you so much for that big hug of encouragement    I really appreciate it, and I have taken time to just breathe and rest. 
Hi SanMagic - Thank you, I have taken a pause, and it was beneficial.  Thank you so much for your hug 

***********
14th November 2020
Was just about to write more, but my partner wants to make me a cup of tea, so I'm going to go with that.  I'll hope to write later.
Hope 

[Hope67]

14th November 2020
Not sure what I'm going to write, but want to write something.

I am aware that when I think of how old I was, and how old I felt, that my time-line so far hasn't been accurate, as I've actually just realised that some memories I had, when I thought I was only 5 years old, were actually when I was possibly 11 years old, and that really surprises me, as I assumed I was very young at that time.

I am however beginning to pay more attention to the ages of various children I see, either in TV programmes, or on Facebook, and I'm realising how young it is to be 11 years old, much younger than I felt/thought I was - if that makes sense.

Yet in some ways I felt like an 'older child' inside my body - even like a parentified child.  But I recognise that I was very young, and far too young to have to deal with the many different things that were in my environment at the time.

Trigger warning ** I'm mentioning events in the news, nothing graphic

Yesterday's news has triggered me a bit - it was the news that a serial killer had died, and I remember how that person being at large in the population back in the 1970's impacted people, and impacted me and my childhood and early adolescence as well.  Seemed strange that he died on Friday 13th.  I am not superstitious, but it seemed apt somehow.

End of TW, but not sure what I'm going to say next, so maybe TW for remainder of today's entry:

The irony of it for me is that whilst parents warned people to look out for danger outside the home, it was what happened inside the home that felt the most insidious to me.

Today feels tough - in terms of trying to get things done.  Because I feel as if there are parts of me that want to hold me in a frozen state, unable to progress forwards or backwards, yet there is also part of me that wants to be free and to be able to get on with things.  Battling those parts, and also wanting to distract myself. 

I am however managing to tackle things, one step at a time, and trying to be kind to myself.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Thank you for sharing Hope.  The idea you mentioned about age really resonates with me.  In my world, I am struggling with how I am just now feeling an adult many years into adulthood.  I too had to grow up really fast.  Our brains aren't ready for that when we are young.  I find it interesting how things click as we age but it also makes me sad - why does it take so long?  I wish you well today and the coming days. 

[Not Alone]

I have a hard time with my time line too. Often when my T asks me how old I was, or how old a Little Part is, I don't have a solid answer. I think this makes sense as trauma seems to be frozen in moments. It isn't usually connected to other time events. Even in my adult life, my connection to when some event/vacation happened is connected to how old my kids were.

I am however beginning to pay more attention to the ages of various children I see, either in TV programmes, or on Facebook, and I'm realising how young it is to be 11 years old, much younger than I felt/thought I was - if that makes sense.

I completely understand this. Some of my Parts feel like their age (7, 11, etc.) isn't that young, but when adult me sees children that age, they seem very young. I think part of the reason for this is the heavy load those Parts had to carry and really weren't allowed to be carefree children.

[Tee]

  I'm glad your being kind to yourself and making small steps.  I'm struggling today. But every day is another one I can say I survived right.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.   

[sanmagic7]

hang tough, hope. i, myself, hate these times when i feel stuck, especially after making some progress.

i think it makes sense that our timelines can be off.  our perceptions as children are so very different at adolescence or adulthood - even the various stages of childhood can produce different perspectives of the same event.  i hope you'll be patient with yourself as your parts sort through all this.  love and hugs to you and your parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Thank you for what you said, regarding how age resonates with you.  I appreciated all you said. 

Hi Notalone,
Thank you for what you said.  I particularly related to you saying 'heavy load Parts had to carry and really weren't allowed to be carefree children' - I really relate to that.  I also relate to not knowing how old a part is - it's tough to guestimate it.  Like you said, no solid answer. 

Hi Tee - thank you so much for the hugs, and I'm sorry that you were struggling at the time you wrote that - but I hope that the next day is a better day - like you said, getting through the day is surviving, and the next day might be better.  I hope so.   

Hi SanMagic,
I am trying to be patient with myself, as I know there is lots going on for my parts at the moment - I have had some quite 'wild' dreams lately and feel too embarrassed to even attempt to write about them.  But I wonder if I've evoked another part of myself that was previously exiled.  Or maybe it's just stirred up by all the stuff I've been thinking about and the CSA work.  Thank you so much for the love and hugs 

Just wanting to send a big hug to you all 

**********
17th November 2020
There is a Conference going on - online - about Narcissistic abuse and childhood trauma, and I've put a link to it in the section of the forum - I watched Richard Schwartz's talk yesterday, but I already feel as if I'm going to struggle to watch many more of those - mainly as I'm trying not to over-whelm myself.

But I'll see how it goes, and how I feel.

I want to catch up with the journals of others here, but so far I've not been able to - again, not wanting to over-whelm myself, but at the same time feeling bad for not catching up - as I want to.

I've ordered some acrylic pens of various colours, so I can try to do some Art kind of therapy to express some of my feelings with colours - but I really don't know whether I'll actually do that.  I think I could use the pens to write in the book I've set aside for my parts to express their feelings, and maybe they'll choose different colours to write in.  The pens will hopefully arrive in the next day or so.

Hope