Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Snowdrop]

There's an advert that keeps being played on the radio at the moment for The Secret Garden. Every time I hear it, I think of you and how you're getting on.

Taking a break for a while sounds like a good idea. It's entirely possible that while you do on other things, your subconscious will process the things you've been working on recently.

I smiled when I read that you'd ordered some pens for your parts because I'd just ordered some colouring pencils for mine. I haven't started using them yet though.

Sending you much love and support, dear Hope.

[Tee]

  it's great that you were able to listen to your parts. I hope it goes well and you are able to process since things in a little less intense and more relaxed fashion.  Sending you love and support and encouragement.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, I love that big hug, thank you 

Hi Snowdrop, Yes, the Secret Garden feels comforting to me.   Thanks for your support.  I appreciate it.     I hope your colouring pencils arrive soon.  I have got mine, but not used them yet. 

Hi Tee, Thank you for the love, support and encouragement, I really appreciate it 

*********
30th November 2020
There's quite a lot I want to say, but somehow I can't bring myself to say anything today - not sure why that is, but I'll hopefully say things at another time, when I'm able to express myself.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  I'm sure you'll be able to express those things when something in you is ready to do so. 

[marta1234]

to you Hope!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, Thanks, it really helped me that you said that, as I was struggling for a bit.   

Hi Marta, thank you so much 

***********
3rd December 2020
I realise that whilst I had paused from reading, that things were still being processed internally, and I realised I had extra influences around me from certain parts that maybe I'd not been aware of before, and they were quite powerful in terms of my attempting to express things, and those parts/elements being resistant to that. 

When I thought about how it felt, it was like being cast adrift in a boat, with choppy and uncertain terrain around me, and not knowing quite who was on board the boat with me, but feeling as if I had to be very careful and not upset the boat for fear of being capsized.  It literally felt precarious and uncertain.  I didn't know where I was going, or why, and it felt unsafe.

Now I can't believe I've just written that, I had no intention of writing something like that, it's just come out.  So struggling to express something and feeling I haven't got permission to do so, on one day, and today - gushing out whatever comes to my mind, and then being surprised by the nature of what I've written. 

I'm finding there are lots of triggering things going on in my environment at the moment, and I am negotiating my way through them.  I've been re-evaluating things that I'd taken for granted before, and thinking about things from a fresh perspective. 

I've been feeling things more regularly, and dissociating less - at least I think so.  It's hard to know for certain, as I think there are times when I'm not aware of what's actually happening.  I'm trying to be more in the moment, and concentrate on things.  This includes trying to watch things on TV and be present whilst those things are on, as opposed to drifting off into thinking about the past and worrying about the future.

I try to communicate with my different parts regularly - throughout the day, sometimes with greater success than at other times.  The part of me that swears and fights and wants to push things away, still expresses those things, but I never act on those thoughts, and I keep saying to that part that I appreciate the fact they tried to keep me safe in the past, but there's not the same dangers in the current time, and that I live in a place where I am relatively safe.

I've noticed a recurring theme, that I feel as if I can never speak my whole truth, that I always feel as if I have to keep things back, for fear of transgressing and doing something wrong.   But I remind myself also that I am living my life, and essentially I've only ever tried to do good things in my life.  I really have, and so to be negative and critical of myself - where does that come from?  Most likely the critical inner voice that may be from things I learned from FOO, that weren't healthy.

Having felt cast adrift on that precarious boat for the past few days, I now feel as if I'm on a place that feels a bit more solid and safer - so I do realise that today I am feeling better in myself, and that feels good.

Hope 

[Hope67]

4th December 2020
I seem to be feeling a bit better in myself today - which is good.  I am glad to be feeling stronger inside, and as if I'm on firmer land, and no longer in a boat bobbing along unchartered waters.  It was good to write things yesterday.  I should do more of that. 

I'm beginning to realise the need to 'get things out' - to talk about things, and try to process things.  I need to do more of that.

I hope I can do that over coming weeks and months, and that over time I will continue to grow stronger inside and better able to enjoy things in life.
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Hi Hope, I'm glad you're feeling more solid today, it is very difficult when you have to watch your step like that.

It is great that you have been writing more freely, and  I'm sure you will be able to 'get things out' more if you continue to work at it. It is very difficult. Like you said, it feels like you can never speak the whole truth. I wonder if this feeling is from childhood, when we were never allowed to really be ourselves, but always had to show what we were supposed to. I don't know, it all feels very overwhelming when I try to think about it.

You are so strong already, you push through so much. Sometimes I worry you work yourself too hard, but I'm sure you will continue to grow. Take care of yourself

[Not Alone]

When I thought about how it felt, it was like being cast adrift in a boat, with choppy and uncertain terrain around me, and not knowing quite who was on board the boat with me, but feeling as if I had to be very careful and not upset the boat for fear of being capsized.  It literally felt precarious and uncertain.  I didn't know where I was going, or why, and it felt unsafe.

I have had the same feeling/vision, of being on a boat. I don't want to intrude on your experience, but if it would help, I'd like to offer an anchor to help steady your boat.

This includes trying to watch things on TV and be present whilst those things are on, as opposed to drifting off into thinking about the past and worrying about the future.

I've had times when my husband comments about something on T.V. and I have no idea what he is talking about. 

Caring hug to you and your Parts, Hope. 

[marta1234]

Sending you much love Hope, and hoping that you have restful days too  I also wanted to chime in and say that I understand your image of being on a boat with infinite sea around.

[owl25]

I'm glad things feel a bit steadier and safer for you. 

[Snowdrop]

Sending you a huge hug of care, Hope.

[Tee]

  it's great that you're finding your next steps forward. I'm with you hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
I think you're right in what you say, about not being able to speak the whole truth eminating from childhood, and not being able to be ourselves, I do relate to that.  Thank you for saying that you think I'm strong already and that I push through so much.  I also appreciate your saying that you worry sometimes that I am working myself too hard - I think you might be right about that too - I value your insights.  Thank you.    

Hi Notalone,
I never feel like you're intruding on any of my experiences, I always feel supported and comforted by things you say - and hearing that you also have had the same feeling/vision of being on a boat cast adrift, that helps me feel less alone with it.  I will however take the offer of the anchor, because that does help to steady the boat.  Thanks also for the comments about watching things on TV and not taking them in - thanks for the caring hug too - I reciprocate that   

Hi Marta,  Thank you so much, and thank you for your understanding and relation to the image of the boat and infinite sea around.  I'm hoping that I can navigate my way, and knowing that people understand and share the journey, it helps so much.   

Hi Owl,
Thank you so much for popping by and saying that.   

Hi Snowdrop,
Thank you for that lovely huge hug, I love it!      I feel your care.   

Hi Tee,
Thank you for coming by and saying that, and for the hugs - I appreciate them, and reciprocate them.   

*********
So many lovely replies to read - and I admit I had already read many of them, but hadn't felt able to reply till today, because I felt like parts of me were holding me back from writing.  But I am glad I was able to reply today, and I feel so grateful to have such support and I feel like everyone does care, and that means a lot.   

Hope