I Need You to Go Now ...

[woodsgnome]

Dear Inner Critic,

I'm beyond wanting to know what your apparent role in my life was supposed to be about. I've run across various theories of how you penetrate one's psychological swirls. Still you feel like the uninvited guest. You've been here a long time, so I'm thinking it may be time for you to, umm, retire?

Where once I wanted to thoroughly understand you, I don't really care anymore. Or I'm just tired -- you're pretty draining, all things considered. You needn't take that personally -- all I'm saying is 1) I accept that you've been in my life and 2) I accept that your role, if any, is beyond what I most need NOW.   My life has to shift focus -- to self-love and self-compassion, building on what I can contribute myself. It's not to say others can't help, but if that's what you supposedly were about, I'd like to relieve you of that burden, for you and for me both.

I don't require your protection, if that's what you were about  . Your harshness in doing so only rings as unwanted echoes of those horrid harsh voices that reinforced my loneliness, heightened my fear, and tortured me with shame and self-abasement to the point of not wanting to even live if this was all life had on offer. I'm finding out there's more, but it's still a struggle. If you left, this might relieve some of the pressure to want to attain perfection.

Perhaps it's not all on you, and I figure it might take you a while to fully comprehend what I'm saying. But please understand -- I have to follow my own muse, not the screams, taunts, and cajoles of those who first abused and then abandoned me. Perhaps that's where you swooped in, but please -- if you thought it might be for my benefit, I have the right not to agree with that. Perhaps you think it's bold of me to request that you leave, that I'm actually requesting a sort of reverse abandonment, but I know I need it and this time I can choose it.

To be clear -- yes; yes I am asking that you leave me alone, once and for all. And while I might be alone, I actually might be less lonely without your voice in the mix. After all, I was quite used to not having anyone, except for your repeated visits.

Plain and simple -- please go away. I don't have any patience for any more lengthy explanations. Perhaps I could somehow still understand you. But I seem to recall a saying that talks of peace beyond understanding. That's where I need to be -- at peace, away from the strife of being savagely criticized. Like always, I'm afraid you won't understand, but I simply had to take this chance that, whether you fully get what I'm saying, please/please/please back away, or just go away entirely.

I've been working on how to say this without hurting you. That's so typical -- here I am ultra worried that you might not understand. I've done that so often, and so many have taken that as a signal to walk all over me. It's more the other way around this time -- I need to stop the hurt from my side, too; as I have to live with myself. I no longer can wait for this freedom.

Thank you.

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I just read your letter to your Inner Critic, and I admire it a lot.  I hope that your inner critic hears those words, and takes heed of all the important points you've made in your letter. 

I also found it helpful for myself, to read what you'd written, so thank you.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

A wonderful letter, clear and direct! 

[woodsgnome]

Hope and Three Roses -- thanks for sharing your reflections about this letter. 

One danger I had in mind about trying to diminish the hard effects of my inner critic I anticipated has popped in since its writing. The danger? Resistance by the icr. I hope I wasn't being too idealistic in just thinking doing this was like a flick of the wrist, and all would be well ever after.

I mean, this self-critical pattern is so ingrained, and the nudge towards perfectionism intense -- if only I get it right, etc. I'm even in danger just reflecting here, analyzing my slightly trouble path of the last couple of days.

But no, my only recourse seems to continue setting my sights towards creating the space for growth once taken up by the inner critic. It all reminds me of this quote from Kurt Vonnegutt:

"We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down."

I remain willing, but it's hard not to give up and fall flat again. Up on that ledge again, it would be as simple to back away again, too. Turning around, there's a sign: Been There, Done That.

So I'll keep on keeping on. I needed your encouragement -- it's so greatly appreciated.

Thanks again.