My messed up childhood has hijacked my brain again

[DonkeySkin]

Hello all,

I'm so glad to have found this place. I'm new here and not sure this is the right post for this section. But here it goes.

I'm grappling with a flashback and new information about my childhood that I honestly never wanted to know about myself. It's awful and confusing and I feel all icky inside, again. I had this happen 10 years ago, although then I experienced only EF's. They were worse than this time around, thankfully. But after nearly a decade of peace, I wonder why this has to happen again.

Before I was NC with my mom for 3 years. I have a very limited relationship with her now. She does all the talking in our weekly phone conversations and I share very little about myself. I'm not sure how she is connected to the abuse I experienced. But I know on some level she is responsible. I feel I need to go NC again otherwise I will be triggered by our weekly conversations. I'm not sure how to do this in a mature way, without cutting her off, no explanation. I do not want her to know about the abuse I experienced. She's old and pretty lonely. Even though it was all messed up, I don't think she deserves more suffering. But I have to protect my mental health.

Anyway, I'm sure many of you can relate. I'm trying very hard to not ask for advice, which I know you cannot give. Thanks for reading anyway.

[marta1234]

Hey DoneySkin, welcome  I'm sorry for the reason why you've come here, but I'm glad you had the courage to share this information with us. Thank you and sending you a hug (if it's ok) 

[Three Roses]

Hi, DonkeySkin, welcome to the forum!

I hear you saying you would like some input. I'm not sure there is a way to go silent "in a mature way" without an explanation, but it needn't be detailed or even truthful for that matter. What about something like, "I've run up against something troublesome and I'm needing time to process" or "I'm really too busy to talk right these days" or something like that? Just some preliminary thoughts.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS  glad you found your way here to us. 

It's not easy going NC with family, but as you suggest sometimes it's what we need to do for our health and well-being.  That's what it came down to for me, not a choice really. 

I went LC w/my M because I couldn't bear to go NC - she is 91 and has NPD so she would never get it.  She's hard of hearing so we don't talk on the telephone which really helps me.  I too would end up sitting there listening while she does all the talking if the past is anything to go by.  We just email and every 2-3 yrs visit (we're on the other side of the country from her which also helps).

Sadly I'm not sure there is any good way to go NC as Three Roses posted, but we do have some resources here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=6846.0 that may be of help.