Is this disassociation?

[Jenny Blount]

After many years of hard work my life might finally be getting to a good place......which is a good thing, but it feels as if my body has totally collapsed. I am experiencing the loss of tension; the easing up of anxiety, the acceptance past traumas as a total body collapse. It feels almost luxurious, to waste time numbing out over how relaxed I feel. I am very, very tired and move around like a zombie but there is little medically wrong with me.
I just feel as though I'm experiencing absence of tension for the first time and there's nothing else  holding me up....almost exactly like the joke about how nice it feels when you stop hitting your head on a brick wall.
Has anyone else felt this? Am I somehow disassociating? Am I connecting with how lovely and heavy my body feels instead of fighting it?

Weird. If I were a ship I'd be becalmed.....

[Three Roses]

This is just my opinion, of course ultimately it's up to you to determine if you are dissociating or not, but it doesn't sound like it to me. For me, dissociating does not bring a sense of calm or relaxation, rather a sense of numbness and/or confusion. But, each of us experiences things differently so you are the only authority on what it's like for you.

[Kizzie]

Sad that we don't quite know if feeling this way is dissociation or relaxation, that's how tightly coiled/armoured we are/have been physically and psychologically. FWIW  it does sound to me like you're finally relaxing.   

Happy to hear you feel like you are making a lot of progress Jenny   

[Jenny Blount]

Thanks Three Roses

I guess I am confusing absence of tension with absence of feeling - particularly feelings of shame and anxiety.

As Kizzie says, it's sad that, after so long,  we can't tell the difference.

Anyhow, I remember the first time I had hypnotherapy - I'd never achieved that level of relaxation and couldn't believe it actually existed. I think this is a similar thing. The 'inner critic' took a couple of days off and I had nothing in my head. It's not disassociation, it's relaxation!

[Kizzie]

I'm sure I'm not alone in saying I wish my IC would take a permanent vacation    Glad you're able to achieve a level of relaxation, it's much kinder for our bodies and minds than hypervigilance and armouring.   

[Jenny Blount]

Kizzie, another thing happened. I suddenly, out of nowhere, got the strongest impression that my late father was desperately sorry. I kept hearing the same thought over and over again...... he's so, so, so, so sorry; he doesn't want you to be like this, he really doesn't! He doesn't want you to have to be like this. He's so, so sorry'. Tears started rolling and my biggest wish at that moment was to hug my dad and tell him that I loved him.

It totally freaked me because it was so strong and unexpected it seemed like a message from 'beyond' - although I'd raise an eyebrow if anyone else claimed that.

Probably a bolt from my unconscious giving me the message I need. Certainly ever since if I feel on the verge of triggering I remind myself that My once all powerful dad doesn't want me to feel like this and he's sorry.

[Kizzie]

What a lovely message no matter where it came from. It's something we all hope for and rarely ever hear from our abusers in real life sadly.