[Phoebes]

I've been VLC with uNd/EnD for a while now. I really want a relationship with him, but he's of course supporting the abusers, so I don't have a choice but to keep a vast distance. Recently, we had lunch as he was traveling through town back to his state for business. I live in a city, and insisted on masks and SD, as I know we disagree on almost everything.

I was pleasantly surprised he agreed, happily wore his mask, agreed I should be concerned since I live in a large city. WE had a mostly good conversation otherwise and it was having me feeling really good about our short get together and sad when he left. I'd love to be able to have lunch with him on Sundays or once a month, or something more like I see happening for my friends who have more functional parents.

Well, but THEN, when he went back, he posted all this whackadoodle "conspiracy" type stuff on his FB saying all the "hysteria" about masks is so not necessary, and how he joined an anti-mask campaign where he lives. (Also, GCs caught Covid by not wearing a mask around an elder client who also didn't where a mask who wound up giving it to her, and having it pretty bad.) GCs has two vulnerable children as well, yet dad still is TOTALLY on board with the campaign to not wear masks?

THis has happened before a few time. One where we had just had a conversation about my G who molested several of us kids, and how no one believed us. I said that is why no one tells, because you already know whether people in your life will listen to you. After that he posted things in support of a politician who molested someone in earlier life saying "why didn't she bring it up at the time?" She did, but no one listened.

So, the fact that he does this really makes me think he is not the poor, sweet, kind, funny, childlike dad everyone sees him as. This feels really horrible to me, and like a highly narcissistic trait. He not only shifts to agree with whoever he's around, he says things directly supporting the opposite of the support he just showed his daughters. It makes me feel really stupid I had all the feels when he visited.

[dreamriver]

I'm so sorry Phoebes  this is awful.

My guess is yes uNPD/tendencies/fleas and very, very covert. An ability to be nice to get the info they want from you, to soak in your presence and experience, then take that back to the poisonous FOO members to feed and pick it apart and think of ways to turn it into destructive fodder. It does not seem like genuine kindness or love if your D does this. And the FB posts very much seem like intentional passive aggressive jabs/swipes at you to keep you completely confused and guessing, to maybe coerce you or control you into doing something? More contact with other FOO perhaps? Bringing you into confrontation so they can offload more anger and emotion on you?

A FOO member I thought I was so close with all my life, who I thought nothing would ever come between us, did very similar. Passive aggressive FB posts aimed at me. Very subtle jabs. But an ability to be saccharine sweet and nice in my presence to completely throw me off, and even breadcrumbing me after abruptly distancing herself from me with no explanation.

I put it together that she was gathering info for other FOO about me for them to excitedly pick apart and analyze together (especially for my uNPD sib) and she could only be nice and pleasing to do that. It was all an act.

[Phoebes]

I agree with you dreamriver. I think it's passive aggressive means of perceived control. It's also a way to "side" with his abusive wife who I have blocked and gone NC with. He and I have talked that through so he knows why. So, he sides with my NCm, AND NCsm. It's unfortunate he doesn't just have a mind of his own.

I'm sorry about your family member too. WHat is it with people? I get frustrated that I usually get labeled as the troubled one, when no one actually knows or accepts the truth of the situation. If I were to comment with the truth, that my dad had supported me just days earlier and was now stating the opposite, I would be labeled the crazy disresepectful one, and would be told I must have misunderstood.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with! Such a sense of betrayal - acting one way in your presence and another completely opposite way on social media. So disturbing and disorienting. 

[Kizzie]

So sorry Phoebes, sad for you