Estrangement: My mother (constant critic) will never change her ways

reefdv · August 07, 2020, 05:13:52 PM

I am starting to view our relationship as toxic, in extremis. Whatever challenge or decision I may be facing she automatically criticizes me. Whenever I tell her I don't want to hear it, her response is "Yes, BUT..." She thinks she is helping me to make better decisions by following her thought patterns, which are absolutely catastrophic thinking. What is the worst that could happen? She thinks. Many times that includes my making a poor decision. And she points to many of my past poor decisions. She totally fails to acknowledge my request for her to stop doing this and does not listen when I do ask, she waits for a pause and says: "Yes, BUT..." a clear indicator of her NOT listening.

My problem is that I have no one in my life to speak to as a non-judgemental sounding-board. Giving me the space and time to get my troubles off my chest. Or my excitements! Someone who will care about the condition of my heart. This is the sort of person I hope to meet one day. If I want advice I will ask, and I have. But no more foisting your judgements on me at my expense. She is NOT helping me, not when I feel like * all day after another conversation that ALWAYS ends in frustration. What am I gaining from speaking to her? Not what I want or need. So I am going to stop conversating with her. It is called estrangement I think. Sad. No more TOXIC relationships! Hurumpf!

Kindly,
rabbit

Blueberry · August 07, 2020, 05:59:20 PM

Welcome to the forum, reefdv

You can write those kinds of things here on the forum! We're a pretty non-judgemental sounding board. Lots of us have noone around to tell those things to either.

reefdv · August 07, 2020, 09:12:21 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on August 07, 2020, 05:59:20 PM
Welcome to the forum, reefdv

You can write those kinds of things here on the forum! We're a pretty non-judgemental sounding board. Lots of us have noone around to tell those things to either.

Thanks Blueberry! It is damn lonely not having anyone who will listen. The phrase: "I love you" really falls short when the actions are dismissive and unwilling to listen. It is discredited. Hopefully I didn't trigger anyone!

Three Roses · August 08, 2020, 02:39:57 PM

Welcome! It really is lonely to have no one you feel you can open up to without the fear of criticism or judgment. Maya Angelou said,
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

As Blueberry said, we're pretty non-judgmental around here. And as far as triggers go, just a little warning in the title or at the beginning of your posts will do, IF you are sharing details. There really is no way to avoid all words, phrases, topics etc that may be triggering to someone, so we here are mindful of managing our own.

Anyway, welcome and here's hoping to hear more from you.

Kizzie · August 08, 2020, 03:37:04 PM

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS

You are most welcome to share here as we really do get it. Having a trauma tribe like this can make things less lonely

(our fav emoticon here)

reefdv · August 09, 2020, 12:57:28 AM

Thanks for the welcome, Three Roses and Kizzie! Cheers!

One thing i realized she does is that she thinks of the worst that could happen and attaches it to me, like I am bound to cause that to happen and make the wrong decision, then she attacks me for what I have not done.

"I see how you do..." That's * up. Stop. Not a chance...

She called today and I ain't going near it. I'm done talking with her she keeps doing the same, am I expecting her to change? I think they call that the definition of insanity. Sure enough.

So who can I talk to?

sigh.

reef

marta1234 · August 09, 2020, 04:42:33 AM

Hi, Reefdv. Welcome to the forum

. I wanted to come by and send you my support (if it's ok), because I know this is a very difficult and hard thing to do and I know that your self care is much more important.

Blueberry · August 09, 2020, 02:23:10 PM

We're here listening, reef.

You're realising things about her behaviour and you're stepping away at the same time. That's big in my mind, in my experience. You're doing great!

reefdv · August 09, 2020, 03:44:36 PM

Quote from: marta1234 on August 09, 2020, 04:42:33 AM
Hi, Reefdv. Welcome to the forum . I wanted to come by and send you my support (if it's ok), because I know this is a very difficult and hard thing to do and I know that your self care is much more important.

Thanks for that support, marta. Through faith in God's grace, I have turned everything around. Excpt my solitude. Well, was a ssacrifice I made. I will do everything I can to not let rumination of such bother me too deeply. Let it pass as the weather, I live in a storm. That's home too me. Does that resonate?

K, r

reefdv · August 09, 2020, 03:49:38 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on August 09, 2020, 02:23:10 PM
We're here listening, reef.

You're realising things about her behaviour and you're stepping away at the same time. That's big in my mind, in my experience. You're doing great!

Thanks. I try to make good use of my time. Perhaps to avoid the drama?? Still, I make my own drama. Here is a post of mine, on my non-profit, Callisto House's blog: The Science of Creation: http://www.callistohouse.club/science-of-creation/

I rant and rave, online, when I don't have my head buried in my software.

K, r

reefdv · August 15, 2020, 07:19:57 PM

Hey all'y'all, I wanted to stop by and say hello. You all really helped me before, just showing the chaos precedes me, but does not follow. I do live in a storm but hurricanes are fun! I'd double reef the main and reef the jib, and traverse the storm, diagonal to the waves. I am sure there is LOADS of analogous measures this strategy concerns. I got my medicine and met a new neighbor. Good people, here. I am the first house up the street from the oldest projects in Durham, NC. We are seeing more gun shots, for sure!

I'm waiting for my new tire cover, I attached the image on it...

I gave out 3,000 business cards with my conservative cannabis charter.
http://vetsforweed.net/business-card/

This is the sort of trouble I like to cause. And on and on, on on and on. I love an election year! :-D <3

I pray all's well with you. 'I ain't no victim, ya hear? I ain't taking that, you keep it!'

My Three Vows to God: http://churchofthesacrifice.org/three-vows-to-god/

I play the mandolin: https://soundcloud.com/robert_withers/mando

Love!
rabbit. .. ... .... '...^,^

---

And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not. - 2 Peter 2:3

reefdv · August 15, 2020, 08:13:42 PM

Here's some groove for all to listen too!

https://soundcloud.com/deep-house-amsterdam/franck-roger-deep-house-amsterdam-mixtape-130

Or maybe you like horns: https://youtu.be/uuDX4muBneU

reefdv · August 16, 2020, 11:58:27 PM

I have maintained NC since I originally posted. I am feeling alright about that and have my many pursuits to engage. I am doing my finances to buy a home. All is well, even dug into my software a little (deep issues, it hurts my head, sometimes).

What I have been pondering these past hours is how my embrace of raja yoga has made such the difference. Raja Yoga means the Union of Willpower. Divine Willpower, and so I practice the yoga of breath meditation (http://www.callistohouse.club/breath-meditation/) and develop my willpower in enhancing the parasympathetic nervous system and reducing the sympathetic nervous system. Seek the Kingdom within and find your inner room.

This is done with one's willpower. Such that the words you speak is LAW! If you cannot promise, say so! Clarify! Andso I spoke my 3 vows to God: truthful, non-harmful, generous.

So when I state that I do not ruminate nor am I a victim, these words have the power of God's will. I am doing really great, feeling blessed. * em if they can't take a joke!

reefdv · August 17, 2020, 10:41:15 PM

My mother called me and left a voicemail message wanting to talk with me. I do not want to talk with her but she doesn't know that. So I emailed her back with the subject: 'I'm fine' and a message: 'But I don't want to talk with you, to protect myself.'

I still love her and I always will, but she is toxic so I do not want to talk with her. I will see her over Christmas. It a tough thing to do, go NC. I hope I am doing it right!

Otherwise, all is well. I hope the same for you!

reefdv · August 18, 2020, 04:09:38 PM

So I have been feeling much more at peace this last week and a half, due to the absence of aggravation due to not talking with my Mom. On reflection, she is a horrible listener and is judgemental and critical. I don't need it; you keep it!

Still, I have no one to talk with about my accomplishments and goals in order to reinforce my willpower towards accomplishing them. You see what I need that my mother can not provide? So who provides that positivity and encouragement? I had hoped to have had a family, by now, but my choices kept me from having such. I am disappointed.

If I can stick to my budgeting, I will be able to responsibly buy my first home in March 2021. It's hard to stick to a budget, sometimes!

I found a recipe for Panna Cotta, that I will try out...I think serving it with a hint of fruit really does it right! But just a hint.

Good on you then!