Hi everyone

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Alter-eg0

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Hi everyone
« on: August 07, 2020, 08:58:49 PM »
Hi Everyone,

Just a quick post to introduce myself, as I'm new here.
I don't really know where to begin. I'm struggling with CPTSS, and looking back, I probably have been for a very long time. I just never got diagnosed as such (although I got many, many other labels along the way). This is a result of various things, obviously. Repeated sexual abuse as a child, relentless bullying by peers, and what I recently discovered: my father is a (communal) narcissist.

I went through the whole psychiatric circuit over a period of about ten years, and was treated for all kinds of things. From depression and anxiety to self harm, eating disorders and personality disorders. I was admitted to psychiatric units and clinics on numerous occasions, and didn't want to live anymore. I didn't get very far, until a few years ago I started working with someone who did know what she was doing. I recovered and was doing really well. However, over the past year, numerous big things have happened that turned my life completely upside down, and put the past in a whole new perspective. Long story. But it has caused a lot of old triggers to resurface, and lately I've been feeling really down and isolated, not knowing who to talk to about all this stuff. For the most part because even I don't know how to explain what's going on.

So I figured it would be good to find a place like this where I can vent and figure some stuff out, and where there's understanding even when I don't quite understand it all myself.

That's it in a nutshell :)  :wave:

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Blueberry

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Re: Hi everyone
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2020, 09:38:33 PM »
Welcome to the forum, Alter-eg0!  :wave:

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Three Roses

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Re: Hi everyone
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2020, 02:28:50 PM »
Welcome! I'm finding the IFS therapy approaches very useful to me, much more so than any previous types of therapy I've had. Plus I can do a little of it myself here at home without the need of a therapist, although I'm recognizing I'll need help later on. Anyway, here's a couple of videos to check out that explain it.

https://youtu.be/LuJLv98ks-I
Q&A https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M (part 1 of 4)

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Kizzie

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Re: Hi everyone
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2020, 02:58:35 PM »
Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS AlterEgo  :heythere:  We're all about talking about things we find we can't talk to non-survivors and sometimes our therapists about, at least initially. 

I hadn't heard of "communal NPD" before but wow, it totally fits my M (https://www.quora.com/What-is-a-Communal-Narcissist-How-do-they-relate-to-others). I used to refer to her best M in the whole world N routine as stealth or covert NPD, but this description fits her N behav so well.

How was your F communal in his NPD?

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Alter-eg0

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Re: Hi everyone
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2020, 07:01:33 PM »
Hi Kizzie,

Thanks :)
Yeah, I didn't figure it out until a few months ago. In fact, I had learned a lot about narcissism in my own training, but hadn't recognized it as such. I didn't know this subtype existed, and it's rather covert. I, like you, always just thougt my Dad was a great guy and that I was the problem.
My dad's image is increadibly important to him. He'll do anything to be the hero, and if that's not possible, the victim. He will make promises or statements (lies), just to make you feel good in the moment and make him look good, but doesn't keep the promise. And when you ask about it, he gaslights you. He's a mental health coach since a few years, and that is an easy way for him to reel people in and look like the nicest guy ever. But half of the time he doesn't know what he's doing, and he'll bluff his way through. He does things you just can't do, or treats them in a way that makes them dependent. Last year, I quit my job to start my own business. With his help, and I was working for him, too. I had a dream, we had many future plans, and I was financially dependent on him for the time being while I built up my own thing. However, no sooner had I handed in my resignation at work, and I discovered that he was having an affair with a client. He left my mother (after jerking her around for months), made her his business partner (after I told him that I would have to leave, if he brought her in), had her move in with him, and went berserk when he found out that I was moving on without him. Things got so bad that I couldn't deny it anymore, and I decided to go no contact.
Currently he's trying very hard to keep up appearences by posting inspirational blogs and quotes, ridden with jabs at me and my brothers (who also went no contact with him). Flying monkeys and all. It's hard to deal with, to be honest. Because I know how many people he's still fooling, how many he's hurting without them even knowing it, and I know that he's smearing me behind my back. It sucks, and it takes all I have just to ignore it (I don't want to fuel the flame).
Anyway, long story, sorry for that. What about you?

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS AlterEgo  :heythere:  We're all about talking about things we find we can't talk to non-survivors and sometimes our therapists about, at least initially. 

I hadn't heard of "communal NPD" before but wow, it totally fits my M (https://www.quora.com/What-is-a-Communal-Narcissist-How-do-they-relate-to-others). I used to refer to her best M in the whole world N routine as stealth or covert NPD, but this description fits her N behav so well.

How was your F communal in his NPD?

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Alter-eg0

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Re: Hi everyone
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2020, 07:02:29 PM »
Thanks, Three Roses.
I've heard of it, it has quite a bit of overlap with NLP, which is what I work with mainly. How does it help you?

Welcome! I'm finding the IFS therapy approaches very useful to me, much more so than any previous types of therapy I've had. Plus I can do a little of it myself here at home without the need of a therapist, although I'm recognizing I'll need help later on. Anyway, here's a couple of videos to check out that explain it.

https://youtu.be/LuJLv98ks-I
Q&A https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M (part 1 of 4)

*

Three Roses

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Re: Hi everyone
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2020, 11:59:13 PM »
The part that's the most helpful for me is in dealing with my inner critic. I'm not to the point of being able to work with exiles but calming all the negative rambling has been a huge relief.

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Kizzie

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Re: Hi everyone
« Reply #7 on: August 10, 2020, 03:02:51 PM »
OMG a mental health coach, that's going to give me nightmares.  That said, I feel we're all bettor off knowing they're out there (unqualified/unfir coaches), learning to look for signs and steering clear. I see them a lot on Twitter - seems anyone can hang out a shingle these days - but can sense now when someone is talking out of their rear ends.  A charm assault like your F uses is a flag for me,  platitudes another.  I have sensed covert smear campaigns like your F's so small comfort I know but there are people like me who do see what people like him are up too.  He may not be fooling as many people as you think.

Anyway, I know how much it sucks as I've been through it but you''re right about not adding fuel to the fire.  Took me a while to figure out that I would be forever caught up in the game if I did anything other than step away.
 
:grouphug: