Claiming & Asserting My Self by Going LC/NC

[Persistant]

Hello Friends,

I'm a newbie, my first post.

I am a grown middle aged man and i've never properly 'flown the nest'. Although I physically left the parents home decades ago, the spiritual umbilical cord was never cut due to a mum who is well meaning but nonetheless massively codependant, narcissistic, controlling and thinks she is entitled to control me. My dad dies many years ago btw. One of the effects of the childhood emotional abuse is major abandonment anxiety, basically it's left me as something of a child, this has wrecked my life and all relationships eg work, friends etc. but especially with women.

Over the years I have been awakening, becoming more aware of my self and I want to own my self, not be controlled by anyone else.
I have always lived fairly close to my mum mainly because of her 'orders' to do so, i've always been under her spell to some extent but I am going to change that soon. I am going to move quite far so it will take many hours to travel to her place and that in itself will provoke her childish anger, she does an Oscar winning passive/aggressive. She is very likely to unleash such a major anger fuelled guilt trip that no one in my situation could possibly want to have contact with a person behaving like that, it may well lead to  permanent NC. Whilst I have always known how wrong she is to be so possessive of my life and soul I mentioned the tremendous abandonment anxiety that I experience. On the one hand she has NEVER been there for me and yet finally cutting the cord feels really scary especially as she will bad mouth me to all relations and so NC with all of them too. She's cunning and manipulative.

This will most likely be the greatest challenge of my life and I don't have any close friends, the kind of people I can confide in so i'm just putting myself out there and I am asking for your help and moral support over the next few months.

Thanks for listening.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing your story.  I hope that you find what you need with each step of the way. 

[Persistant]

Thank you rainydiary.

[Phoebes]

Hi, Persistant,

I really admire and applaud your clear-visioned decision to move away and take steps to create your own life and, as you say, soul. I can really relate to that, and your situation.

I always thought of myself as an independent person, living my own life, but I realized later that I was very attached- trauma bonded- emotionally to my mother as I spent loads of energy trying to figure her out and going back hoping and wishing for a loving and normal relationship. Never to happen. I honestly never "knew" I had a choice but to be in her life way more than was probably normal.

I moved a few hours away and she showed up throwing a tantrum. She told me if I moved I would be "raped, murdered, and the house burned down around me" on several occasions. She said "I didn't raise you to act this way!!!!" (To move away from your mom?) I moved overseas to a very nice country to visit, and she never came, never asked me about my experience, and changed the subject when it came up. I moved back to the US eventually but moved a few hours away, and she moved to MY town where I made a life!

I moved away once again and she said "oh sure, you're just moving away because I'm here now." Yep! Long story short, I STILL had hope of a relationship and tried very hard, but it finally got too painful and to the point I felt I had no choice but to go NC. It was very very hard, because at times I felt the strings pulling me back, feeling sorry for her, and feeling responsible for her. She told everyone who would listen a very untrue and twisted tale about me, including joining my former church and friends group. (Soul stalking much?)

Anyway, I will say, after several years NC and realizing how "in control" of my life she was and feels entitled to be, I realized wow, that is in line with an abusive partner, which I would never want, so why am I tolerating it from this person? She never once apologized for anything she's said or done, and to this day feels entitled that I just need to come running back to her and apologize and quit being difficult. Grasping the gravity of that now is like wow, what a lot of time I wasted on that!

I really wish you well on this journey, regardless of where your relationship with your mom leads. It's all up to you and in your own time. A very individual matter. But I know we all relate here, and we are supportive of your journey and choices. I feel like this place is where the friends who would get it are, and my in-person friends mean well, but they really don't get it. We do! 

[Three Roses]

This will most likely be the greatest challenge of my life and I don't have any close friends, the kind of people I can confide in so i'm just putting myself out there and I am asking for your help and moral support over the next few months.

You've got it! The members of this site are caring and compassionate, and each carries a wealth of insight and knowledge. You're in good hands

[Persistant]

Thank you so much for your kind and caring reply Phoebes and for the detail. Part of the reason why my post was so hard to write is because I honestly never expected anyone else to have gone through quite the same kind of thing, especially the gaslighting, bad mouthing you to your closest friends etc. Whenever i've tried to explain this to friends, they just can't get it. They offer sympathy and support which is nice but they just don't get it despite my trying to explain things in detail. I am so relieved that you get it and that I am not alone 

Unless you've been through the emotional trauma bonding as you have it's impossible to understand. I too had threats from my mum and actual stalking from other relations when I first told them that i'm not moving back to her home once I had finished my college course ! She shamelessly and blatantly felt entitled to me, like I was her property. This is narcissistic supply, like a vampire's victim. And I totally get what you say about the guilt trips, they train us to feel that way from birth, literally. This is the invisible umbilical cord. Yes, this is exactly the same thing as an abusive partner, I so often tell my women friends to ditch their abusive partners and yet I don't seem to be able to do it.

All of the 'symptoms' that I have now are a result of the severe narc injury that was inflicted upon me, the physical health issues and worst of all the wrecked relationships. But I am now taking responsibility and taking control one step at a time. And thank you for confirming that this is a good place to find caring and supportive friends, where I too can help other injured souls to heal 

How's life with you at present ? I'd love to hear anything you wish to share. Thank you again for such a warm welcome 

[Persistant]

This will most likely be the greatest challenge of my life and I don't have any close friends, the kind of people I can confide in so i'm just putting myself out there and I am asking for your help and moral support over the next few months.

You've got it! The members of this site are caring and compassionate, and each carries a wealth of insight and knowledge. You're in good hands

Thank you for comfirming that 3 roses, that's really good to know. I hope all is going well on your journey 

[Phoebes]

Persistant, I'm glad something I said resonated with you, too. I think a lot of people here have such similar experiences. It's too difficult to explain emotional manipulation and gaslighting to people who have not experienced it. They immediately try to make you see how important your mother's feelings are as opposed to yours, in my experience. They can be on board to a degree with thinking mothers can be misunderstood and hurt people's feelings, but they don't get the parallel to actual un-empathetic stalkers.

Funnily enough, I've been feeling so much more relieved and free from intrusive thoughts about it lately, and sure enough, GCs asked if I got a text from Nm (no, because she knows she has been blocked for years, and that I don't want to know!) She told me I was invited over this afternoon. All nonchalant like a normal day of the past. I just said no and no to GCs. But, it's interesting how they literally sense when you've made progress, feeling better, thinking more clearly. And they reappear after months, years. The thing is, she's inviting me to something where people will be there seeing her fake and gaslighting behavior. Same as always. So, that says to me nothing has changed. Still no acknowledgement, responsibility or apology..anyhoo.

I hope things are well with you and you've found supportive topics here. I found there to be a lot of good research here. Pete Walker's book from surviving to thriving is a staple that many of us have found helpful..

[Persistant]

Hi Phoebes,

Re: "but they don't get the parallel to actual un-empathetic stalkers.". So true, but now that I have found this place I have a safe place to talk about it and be understood.

I'm very pleased to hear that you've had relief from intrusive thoughts recently, they can be hellish.

Re: "people will be there seeing her fake and gaslighting behavior". It never ceases to amaze me how nearly everyone just falls for it, they too are fuel on the fire.

Pete Walker's book is a Godsend, that's how I found this place. 

[findingpeace2018]

Hi Persistant (great name btw).  I just saw your first post now and this thread.  I was only diagnosed a little over 2 years ago after searching for what was "wrong" with me for 20 years.  And I signed up here a year and a half ago.  This place and these people are what I have needed my whole life.  I think you will find a "home" here, if that makes sense.

I'm sorry you are considering going NC (not because it is "wrong" but because I know the pain of the idea).  When I first went NC with my mom (almost 3 years ago, because I really had no other choice) it was awful.....because I was trained to be her sole caretaker.  No one could relate.  This was my journey, it may not be yours.  What Im trying to say is, I know the agony, the pain, and the self doubt.  Whatever you do or dont do, whenever you do it, or dont do it, this community will be here with you.  And we are here for any other posts you post, on whatever is burdening you.  Im doing better with the NC (it was necessary for me), but I have many, many other issues, fears, doubts, crises I need help with.  I come here.  It never ceases to amaze me that we all have varied backrounds (abuse, neglect, etc. from our pasts) but everyone gets it.  Everyone cheers you on here.  Or holds your hand.  This place is so supportive and healing.

Sorry for rambling.  Im glad you are here.  You are NOT alone.  Welcome and I hope this forum helps ease your burden a bit as you need.....

[Persistant]

Hi findingpeace !

Thank you for your reply. Once again it's a great relief to hear from someone who has been through the same and therefore understands. It's good to have found a home. One of the most difficult things in dealing with cptsd is the deep dark loneliness of abandonment so it's encouraging to know that there are a lot of soul friends here 

Good on you for going NC  ! Caretaker or not you have the right to choose whether or not you want to be around gaslighting abusers. My mum is quite old now but financially independant, she doesn't need anything from me...apart from life and soul ! Now her age is the excuse for wanting me to stay nearby, being at her beck and call, but there's always been some excuse.

I'm glad you're doing better with NC and I appreciate that you still have a lot of other fears, doubts etc to deal with. A place to talk with people who understand you is an essential part of recovery, it's a therapy in itself. I would love to hear how you're doing and anything else you wish to share, i've come to realise it's as important for my own healing to have the privilege of supporting and being here for others.

Thank you for the warm welcome, look forward to getting to know you 

[findingpeace2018]

Hey Persistant!  Wow, thank you for your kind words....I was hoping to support you and here you are, supporting me!!!  Im grateful for it, you are very wise.  Im looking forward to getting to know you too, you are SPOT ON with how this community is so integral to our healing.  I have been having a tough week (as you know.....some are good and some are bad) and this forum and these people have helped so much!  I absolutely adore how you put it....soul friends.  I dont think it could be described better. 

Im so glad you are here and am really looking forward to getting to know you too.  Its a great place with so many very wise and compassionate people!

[Rainydaze]

Hi Persistant. 

Good on you for focusing on yourself and your needs, it sounds like you're on the journey to individuation. It is a truly positive thing and a natural rite of passage that any healthy minded parent would want for their child. Moving away and putting some distance between you sounds like a good step to take. 

[Persistant]

Hi blues_cruise,

Belated thank you for your reply, I only just found out how to activate notifications.

Indeed, any healthy parent would want their kids to fly the nest to make their own way in the world and that is an indicator of just how unhealthy my whole family are. But that's their problem, my challenge is moving forwards and breaking the trauma bond - which is really testing me. I had planned to move some weeks ago but I just couldn't do it, I know the reasons why I couldn't go ahead so I know what I have to work with. It may have just been to big a step for now so i'm figuring a better way forward whereby i'll hopefully have more support around me. When the abandonment anxiety hits me hard the scared lost little boy comes out and having kind supportive people around me is of great help but this is easier said than done. The cptsd injuries have left an adult who has great difficulty in managing relationships so that too is a work in progress. I'll get there, I just to be Persistant 

How are you doing ? It would be great to hear about you, anything you wish to share at all. Look forward to getting to know you.

[Rainydaze]

Hi Persistant! No worries, I've actually never thought to activate notifications myself so that's a good idea. 

It is really hard to break the trauma bond and it's a good call to go easy on yourself and recognise when a step is just that little bit too big to take. Our nervous systems are so easily triggered with emotional flashbacks (the scared lost little boy you describe) and it's best to be gentle with yourself as you work through these triggers. Knowing that your ultimate goal is to move is a good thing and it's always something you can work up to. Managing relationships is difficult, I'm so with you on that one and it's something that's definitely a work in progress for me too! It does sound like you're on the right lines with it all, placing responsibility where it truly lies is quite fundamental to healing I think. 

I'd say I'm alright at the moment, thank you for asking.  Self-care has started to be more of a focus for me over the last few months. At the beginning of lockdown I was becoming burnt out with trying to fit far too much into my day and neglecting my emotional needs. Carrying out self-care daily and "me time" in the form of meditation and yoga has really started to help me keep in tune with how trauma is held in my body and offers a release. Currently just trying to figure out ways to connect with other people more as I have a tendency to let shame overwhelm me and to not check in with people as much as I perhaps should. I'm trying to incorporate more routine into my life too and aiming to get back to doing a couple of hobbies rather than staring mindlessly at my phone as I have been at late...easier said than done, but yes, persistence is key! 

I hope you're having a good Friday and can have a relaxing weekend.