Sadder than I have ever been in my life

[Geeky Gramma]

I have never known grief like I know it now. 

My mother, who was my main (emotional) abuser, passed away in my home on hospice, with me as her primary caregiver, at the end of January.  I had already been on my healing journey for 2 years, and learning more and more about my CPTSD.  I had also been in marriage counseling with my (narcissistic tendencies) husband for about a year.

At the same time, my son, who is a full blown narcissist and had been estranged from us for many years, was served with an injunction for abuse.  He and his wife had been separated for months and we didn't know it.  His cruelty and abuse is astounding. 

As time has gone on and during the pandemic, my husband managed to sabotage marriage counseling, causing our counselor to have to end our sessions.  Things have gone from bad to worse, and I have now separated myself from my husband and have moved into the guest room.  I have finally taken a stand, and will not reconcile with him unless he takes responsibility and seeks help for himself. I feel very emotionally unsafe with the way he has been.   

My symptoms have been getting worse and worse , and the triggering has been incredibly intense.  I really cannot take much more.  I am depressed and anxious at the same time, and the dread of knowing that my marriage is potentially over is enough to make me think I cannot go on.  I grew up in a nightmare, and ended up marrying into a nightmare. 

I am remaining in my own personal counseling, and working on my own healing, self care, and trying so hard to have compassion for myself.  I feel so very alone.  My adult kids don't yet know we are separated, and hiding it from them is literally killing me with stress.  I feel so incredibly sad and hurt.  I don't want to be divorced.  I don't want to be separated.  I don't want any of this. 

I am barely living.  I am barely functioning.  I cannot remember what it feels like to be happy.  I do not know how I managed to get to this place.  Thank you for listening.

[jamesG.1]

Hi you,

that sounds about as bad as it gets. Feeling that with you.

In one sense though, you are approaching a point where you have nothing holding you back from drawing a very big line between you and these ghastly manipulative people. Enough sometimes has to be enough, it's that simple. If the conclusion is coming anyway, better sometimes to take control of it and embrace the turbulence, change for the abused and exploited can only be better, the only way is up.

How sad that we have to know such people, never mind be related to them.

Look for strength inside, I promise it will be there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqyM_bzBp5o

Rooting for you.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry, Geeky Grandma, that is so much going on, so many realisations. Gentle caring  if it's helpful and not too close.

[buddy9832]

Geeky Grandma, I'm so very sorry to hear that tour struggling. I can't even imagine the pain you feel. You may feel  alone and may not be much, but we are here for you. 

I hope you finding the healing that you deserve.

[Mommyninja]

I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can empathize because I have a similar situation. I have been in a relationship for over 5 years now. We just had a baby 9 months ago. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. Through all of our ups and down in the relationship I refused to move back in with him just because we were having a baby. I was persuaded and convinced this will be a good thing. Unfortunately for my partner he has to deal with my extreme emotions at times and now because he is "worn down" after less than a year he finds it best we not be together anymore. I'm just learning how to fix myself and just found out about cptsd and it has been a game changer. I was diagnosed as being bipolar but now learning about this I have been doing better. I feel very alone. No support and even when I am moving forward to try to fix things he says he doesn't know what to do. I don't want to leave. I don't want another split. I don't want to lose him. So my heart is very broken.

My heart goes out to you and I pray things start to shine for you. Stay strong. I know it's hard.

[alliematt]

Gentle, caring hugs if that's OK.   

[Not Alone]

Wondering how you are doing?