I was neglected, rejected and turned into an adult who cannot relate

[EdenJoy1]

The ironic part of this, and I've done my crying about it, is that throughout there was no intervention. I had to almost die, runaway, get sick for anyone to even notice my existence. This existence wasn't about who I was as a soul, precious child, but who I was as mirror to them.  Pieces of me died along the way. I don't know any way or anyone who has ever emerged from type of life and became a loving, happy and confident person. Anywhere. I've looked. The stats are: every single type of trauma that could happen to a child from conception to 12 happened.  Holocaust survivors and Romanian orphans i identify with. I acted out as a child, then just retreated within. That's how it's been for so many years. My entire adult life.

[findingpeace2018]

Im so sorry EdenJoy1.  I want you to know I read your post and have alot of the same feelings.  I know my childhood trauma changed me and it makes being an adult and navigating life so difficult at times.  I hope you can rest  even if you can just lay your head down and get a little break.  Im sending a cup of tea and sitting with you if thats helpful, please disregard if its not.  You are not alone.

[woodsgnome]

Every word of your post, edenjoy1, resonates per my own experience. Mine involved all of what you've mentioned, with several perpetrators involved. To the point where I was, and am, always suspicious and wary of trusting anyone. I'd stop this on occasion; trouble being I was burned so often when I opened to trust and was easily taken advantage of. Hence, more anger, though I labeled it as grief.

Recently, I've shifted, and accepted, that for me grief doesn't cover my deepest feelings. Anger does. For years I've resisted this, mostly I think just to be somehow civil. I still abide by that, but realize that the grief was really disguised anger all along.

I don't feel ashamed (anymore) about this. I try to work things through my inner being where it would never affect or harm others. Trouble is, I still feel very vulnerable, but have tried to compensate with a more balanced inner life.

I'm actually considered as an affable, if mysterious and remote (partly by choice), person with no friends but am an easy-going and extremely helpful sort. On the outside. I don't feel compelled to worry about that anger/peaceful disparity a lot, but I am constantly in some process of trying to ramp up (or smooth down, I guess) the self-love and self-compassion. I can only deal with me, even if that's inconsistent and feels too vulnerable sometimes.

Okay, I'm spiraling into a bit of a rant here, but I did feel drawn to what you said so well. The early treatment you describe was just so senseless but so achingly devastating in stifling lots of life that others appear to have an easier time with. Or maybe I just don't get it -- something else I've noticed is I didn't really want to grow up, based on the adults I experienced -- never, ever did I want to resemble those monsters.

Edenjoy1 -- I'm hoping your life will experience more contentment as you work at clearing out the debris of so much trauma. 

[EdenJoy1]

These missives I'm writing are my only way of communicating.  99% of the time I am in a state of zoning out. I just cannot cope anymore. My years of struggling/coping/surviving and the combination of my health issues which brings a lot of pain with it - daily, are too much to bear. For so many years have been in total isolation. Mostly in the dark. Cannot tell you how many times I've sought help. Thousands of emails were sent. I did therapy in the 90's - a lot. It brought awareness but nothing ever helped with the relating. Then I considered that I might benefit from radical intervention. Maybe psychedelics because of the defense mechanisms that are so acutely in place. That might lift it and gain access to the receptive mode of being. I await surgery now, in a room,  zoning out, in isolating, missing only my beloved cats that passed. Feeling nothing except pain that I know how to alleviate with distraction and the remedies at hand. I take no medications as none can help. I need to move through this dark night of a lifetime and somehow make it.  Thank you for your words. I only can send my gratitude and hope to you. Emergence.

[gravity]

I'm sorry you felt and feel forced to take extreme action to get the attention you deserve and are deprived of.  That's a very tough situation to be in and very desolate.  I understand.  Thank you for telling your story and how impacted you are from your experiences.  That really, really sucks.