TRIGGER ALERT. Guilt, confusion, and where do I go now

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zeekoctane

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TRIGGER ALERT. Guilt, confusion, and where do I go now
« on: August 10, 2020, 07:12:02 PM »
Please do not read if you are sensitive to IATC [intentional animal torture and cruelty ].

My M had BPD and My F had APPD (antisocial/psychopathic personality Disorder). I was doomed from the start. I grew up with my M telling me that I was just like my F (he was killed in a farming accident when I was an infant). My F was notorious for IATC and zoosadism because of his upbringing. He continually did these things. When I was in 2nd grade my mom started taking me to a farm run by some of her friends. Here, I was forced to participate in various forms of IATC because my mom told me I was just like my dad. She made me do this many times over the next 3 years until that family went to jail for their actions. I hated it. I pleaded to not go, but was too young to not go. I had to obey or suffer the consequences. She stated this would prove to me that I was like him. Needless to say, This has haunted me all day everyday of my life. I just do not know how to get the images out of my head. I need help. My T says they will fade in time, but when?

Everything is a trigger because I live in a farming community and tv is full of shows and commercials with animals. I am looking for ideas on desensitizing my triggers.

And no, I am not just like my F.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2020, 04:45:59 PM by Kizzie »

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Kizzie

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Re: TRIGGER ALERT. Guilt, confusion, and where do I go now
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2020, 04:53:28 PM »
Glad you have not listened to your M's voice zeekoctane and know who had the problem, that it was not you. 

Just my thoughts as a survivor but what helps me is to balance out/diminish the memories by living life now as well as I can, to have fun, relax...

Perhaps it might help also to donate to an animal cruelty organization?  It's taking action without having to direct confront animal cruelty by volunteering which would likely be overwhelming. Just a thought - please take it or leave it. 

 :grouphug:

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notalone

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Re: TRIGGER ALERT. Guilt, confusion, and where do I go now
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2020, 03:01:49 AM »
No, you are not like your father. If you were like him, what you were forced to participate in would not have been a nightmare for you.

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Three Roses

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Re: TRIGGER ALERT. Guilt, confusion, and where do I go now
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2020, 01:19:13 PM »
Just a thought, but have you considered EMDR to get those images out of your head? 🤔

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zeekoctane

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Re: TRIGGER ALERT. Guilt, confusion, and where do I go now
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2020, 10:06:01 PM »
Thank you. I did doggy foster care for years. I had a total of 36 doggies through a local vet clinic. I do not know if it really helped me or not, but I tried. I have not done EDMR but do Brainspotting which is a bit similar. It is a very hard process. It seems that I will never recover from this nightmare and the anguish it causes. I do not really have a support network, so i come here when my pot is over flowing. Thank you again.