Letter to my dad (Trigger Warning)

[rainydiary]

I'm not sure where this is going to go...

Dear Dad,

The images that come to my mind of you are scary.  I see you looming over me, angry, seething, clearly want to beat the crap out of me.  Instead of actual physical violence you used weaponized words and intimidation. 

I should say you usually didn't use physical violence.   But sometimes you did.  You used physical violence against my brother.  I still remember a horrible night of you beating him up when he was either drunk or on drugs.  What did that solve?  I do remember you picking me up by the arm and hitting me when I was little.  To this day I wonder if my right shoulder hurts because of that. 

You used violence against us for reasons I do not understand.  Why did you have kids? And so many?  You clearly weren't ready or capable of raising children in a healthy manner.  Based on what I see of my grandparents through adult eyes I imagine they were not good parents either.  You have caused so much harm.  My siblings and I can barely stand to look each other in the eye now.  We barely speak to each other.  Do you know why?

I don't feel any interest in having a relationship to you.  You berated me, yelled at me, assumed the worst of me.  You put me down when I tried to stand up and then say to me now "why don't you stand up for yourself?"  Are you serious?  Are you really confused why? 

I am still shaken by the experience in the car about 5 years ago.  You said my grandfather was dying so I flew out to see him.  That isn't really what happened.  He lived and you had to continue supporting him and grandma.  You were stressed.  As was I for my own reasons.  Yet why did you yell at me when my mother decided to stir the pot?  Why did she wait until we were all trapped in a car together to ask me a question I had no chance of answering "correctly?"  Why was I not allowed to push her hand away when she touched my arm after making me cry?  Why did you call me a "f@&ing pussy" for crying?  Why did it feel like you wanted to push me out of a moving vehicle?  Why are you surprised when I flinched later in the day when you tried to make up for that? 

I don't know how I survived growing up.  I don't know where I am finding the courage now to face all this.  I don't know how I am going to navigate our relationship moving forward.  I don't know what else to say.  I hope that I can heal the pain you caused. 

Me