I lost my best friend in the whole world

[j i m]

I finally managed to mess it up for good. I've pushed away the person that helped me to even realize that I have cPTSD, to pinpoint the fearful avoidance, to hear out my point of view when it came to all the triggers. I could see myself and hear myself and I couldn't stop myself. All the books and videos and knowledge in the world couldn't seem to stop me from hurting the one person in the whole world that's never hurt me, that I never wanted to hurt. I don't know how to get to a point I can do what I need to, or stop doing what I need not to, or if it's even possible. I have no one to blame but myself. I don't know exactly what I need but I can't keep staying here. I'll try anything, even if I can never fix things between us, even if we never speak again and they never know how hard I kept trying, if only for their memory. Please, how? What do you do? How do you keep going when you are tired? What helps keep you hopeful? Tell me about a victory you had? Please. Anything.

[dollyvee]

Hi Jim,

Oh boy, can I relate and I'm sorry you're going through that right now. Break ups are awful.

I was reading on another forum about dating and someone was trying to discern if they were interested because they had a good chat, but then they seemed to be avoiding eye contact. All the commentators said, move on, she's not interested. I thought, as a fearful avoidant, I recognize how difficult it is to be "pursued," and how, even if I like that person, I would probably have difficulty showing it. It just struck me how different my perspective was from everyone else's, and how lonely I guess it is to be misunderstood like that, or feel that someone isn't on your "side."

I guess a recent "victory" for me is seeing how much of what I view of someone is/was my own projection. I met someone about a year ago and came to the conclusion that this was not a "relationship guy," and I'm pretty sure (was pretty sure) he fancied a lot of young, attractive women at the gym, which of course, is not how I see myself. So, I distanced myself and then a few months ago, it seemed like he was interested, but I was battling all these projections in my mind. A big one was, I think he's attractive and great, why would a guy like that want me? Something must be off. I was really trying to work out if these things were "true" or not. It's sad because it took me a long time to work out that this is my stuff (where and why I learned it and why I'm holding onto it is another matter), but I can see that it's mine and not the "truth," or the truth where I can't trust this person because of it. Is it difficult for someone to deal with this? Probably. Did I screw it up? Also probably, but it feels different this time like I can step back and really take responsibility (?) for it without feeling the shame and self attack so much. Don't get me wrong, it really sucks, but I also don't feel I did anything "wrong" in the way my child mind is imagining. I'm an adult, I can deal with it. I'm not the dependent child that had to worry about the rejection of a caregiver for survival.

I've been reading a book called the Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and he talks about hope.

"Splitting and identifying with the "bad self" provides hope. If they can get rid of the parts that are seemingly not liked by the caregivers, then they imagine they will be loved. Or if they work really hard to be what their caregivers expect of them, then they will be loved. Internalizing the environmental failure as their failure leads to shame-based identifications that feel protective and maintain hope. It protects the attachment relationship. It preserves the possibility that there is still love in the universe. As painful as it is to feel defective, faulty, and unlovable, it gives a child hope that they maybe can fix themself, and that maybe then they will be loved."

For me, when a relationships doesn't go anywhere, or that "hope" is gone, I'm usually left with the feeling that I'm defective, or there isn't any love in the universe and that's a hard place to be in. I think I've slowly been trying to take things at my own speed, and not trying to "be" the person I feel like I have to be in order to be loved, or what I learned growing up. Did things not work out between me and him? Probably, but I feel a little bit more space for me now. I'm not out of the woods emotionally, and can see myself reacting (probably protest reactions like in the book, or shame attacks to a degree), but I'm hoping that I can recognize them for what they are and try to act accordingly. I also feel like even if I reacted and took the projection to be true, I was able to step back, recognize what I did, apologize, and not stay in a place of blame or anger. Even at myself if I might have screwed it up.

This is long and I think I'm using it to work out some of things I've been going through recently, so please take what you need, if anything, and leave the rest.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Lakelynn]

Hello Jim,
I hear and feel your anguish and pain. I'm sorry you are feeling the loss of your best friend.

I'd like to offer a perspective which you may not have considered. My T introduced it to me over a year ago and I was too scared to use it. Since then I have done it, several times with different people and know it can work. The method is called relationship "repair" and it means bringing hurtful things out in the open so the partners can acknowledge there's been a breech of some kind and address it in a conscious way.

When something happens between two people who are close and have invested a lot in each other, "stuff" happens which we regret or cause intense feelings. One way to handle it is to bring it up and out, talk about it and see if there's a way to get past it. That might be your first option, unless you've been told otherwise or there's legal action against you.

I personally find this to be the scariest thing I've ever done. Like anything new, we need to practice it to feel comfortable. It's taken me decades to come to the point of being willing and after doing it maybe 3 times. I feel it's worth passing on here.

The method is to find a time and place which the other is willing to listen or engage. That can be established by asking. "I'd like to talk about _______, is this a good time for you?" Or "would you be willing to talk about our conversation last ____________?" Then depending on the reply you can respect their choices and time the repair when they feel most receptive.

The next step is to state the problem as neutrally as possible. That leaves out blame, shame or guilt. Tell how you were affected and ask for a change, if relevant. If you think of yourself as a guilty party, maybe you could start by saying you've had time to consider how hurtful your comments "MIGHT" be and offer an apology.  Then ask for forgiveness. I'm flying blind here, because I don't know anything.

The other person can either "hear" you or not. If they do, and they want to continue their investment in you, they usually offer an explanation or even apology of sorts of their own. It can be as simple as "it was not my intention." You determine whether it is enough for you.

If this person you describe is your best friend and has stuck with you through a diagnosis, then I think it's reasonable to say, they would realize you were triggered by something and could not reach a point of rationality. It happens. I've had decades of "book learnin" and forum posts and whatnot and still get caught up in overwhelming things now and then. It doesn't stop, it just happens less frequently.

So, the reality that your behavior at any ONE time could sever an important connection is low. It may FEEL like that. Sometimes feelings takes days to subside. I hope you're in a better place. If not, hang on, because you'll get there. If you did lose this trusted ally, it's going to take some grit and determination to make your way through grief. You're going to be OK and you'll find the other side, with yourself intact.

[NarcKiddo]

The thing that strikes me on reading your post is to wonder whether you have actually pushed this person away or whether that is trauma talking. Even if you have made them angry or sad and they have stomped off, that does not necessarily mean they are not going to come back when they are in a better frame of mind.

I wish you all the best as you work through this, and I hope things are not as bleak as you currently feel they are.

[Kizzie]

I agree this person may be willing to hear about how and why your CPTSD causes you to push them away when you feel threatened. That is what our symptoms do, they were meant to keep us safe but as we all find once we're out of real danger, they kick in anyway. As you found, it can be a friend getting too close to the truth that triggers us, we panic and it seems we cannot stop ourselves from pushing them away.

If it were me as your friend what would mean the most is a genuine apology and offer to listen to how it made them feel. If nothing else you can rest a bit easier knowing you've done your best to make things right. 

Good luck!

[j i m]

Hi Jim,

Oh boy, can I relate and I'm sorry you're going through that right now. Break ups are awful.

I was reading on another forum about dating and someone was trying to discern if they were interested because they had a good chat, but then they seemed to be avoiding eye contact. All the commentators said, move on, she's not interested. I thought, as a fearful avoidant, I recognize how difficult it is to be "pursued," and how, even if I like that person, I would probably have difficulty showing it. It just struck me how different my perspective was from everyone else's, and how lonely I guess it is to be misunderstood like that, or feel that someone isn't on your "side."

I guess a recent "victory" for me is seeing how much of what I view of someone is/was my own projection. I met someone about a year ago and came to the conclusion that this was not a "relationship guy," and I'm pretty sure (was pretty sure) he fancied a lot of young, attractive women at the gym, which of course, is not how I see myself. So, I distanced myself and then a few months ago, it seemed like he was interested, but I was battling all these projections in my mind. A big one was, I think he's attractive and great, why would a guy like that want me? Something must be off. I was really trying to work out if these things were "true" or not. It's sad because it took me a long time to work out that this is my stuff (where and why I learned it and why I'm holding onto it is another matter), but I can see that it's mine and not the "truth," or the truth where I can't trust this person because of it. Is it difficult for someone to deal with this? Probably. Did I screw it up? Also probably, but it feels different this time like I can step back and really take responsibility (?) for it without feeling the shame and self attack so much. Don't get me wrong, it really sucks, but I also don't feel I did anything "wrong" in the way my child mind is imagining. I'm an adult, I can deal with it. I'm not the dependent child that had to worry about the rejection of a caregiver for survival.

I've been reading a book called the Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and he talks about hope.

"Splitting and identifying with the "bad self" provides hope. If they can get rid of the parts that are seemingly not liked by the caregivers, then they imagine they will be loved. Or if they work really hard to be what their caregivers expect of them, then they will be loved. Internalizing the environmental failure as their failure leads to shame-based identifications that feel protective and maintain hope. It protects the attachment relationship. It preserves the possibility that there is still love in the universe. As painful as it is to feel defective, faulty, and unlovable, it gives a child hope that they maybe can fix themself, and that maybe then they will be loved."

For me, when a relationships doesn't go anywhere, or that "hope" is gone, I'm usually left with the feeling that I'm defective, or there isn't any love in the universe and that's a hard place to be in. I think I've slowly been trying to take things at my own speed, and not trying to "be" the person I feel like I have to be in order to be loved, or what I learned growing up. Did things not work out between me and him? Probably, but I feel a little bit more space for me now. I'm not out of the woods emotionally, and can see myself reacting (probably protest reactions like in the book, or shame attacks to a degree), but I'm hoping that I can recognize them for what they are and try to act accordingly. I also feel like even if I reacted and took the projection to be true, I was able to step back, recognize what I did, apologize, and not stay in a place of blame or anger. Even at myself if I might have screwed it up.

This is long and I think I'm using it to work out some of things I've been going through recently, so please take what you need, if anything, and leave the rest.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hey dolly,

Long time no see.. It's good to hear from you.

I can recall one very specific time that I was told how some people perceived me that really threw me for a loop and made me feel kind of like an alien in how differently I understand the world around me (and myself in it). I also know exactly what you mean about thinking that there must be something wrong with someone interested in me. My brain takes off with that into all kinds of dark, unusual places that, much like yourself it seems, leads me to projecting things onto someone that are not their fault. It sounds like quite a victory though, the progress you are making, and I'm very happy for you. Thank you for sharing it with me, as I found it a great help in stumbling through my own journey right now.

I really appreciate the book excerpt and I will have to look into this one. I'm very much bouncing back and forth between a kind of intense, all-consuming hopelessness and brief reprieves of air that feel a little bit lighter than before.. Thank you for helping me feel seen and not so alone.

Sending you great kindness and support as well.

[j i m]

Ok, I'm sorry for replying once and not to everyone yet. I really appreciate that anyone would spend time writing, and I will read and respond as soon as I can. For now, I actually have a support group I'm about to go to.

Thank you to everyone that has written. Very sincerely. I hope that you are doing well and taking care.

[Kizzie]

[j i m]

Hello Jim,
I hear and feel your anguish and pain. I'm sorry you are feeling the loss of your best friend.

I'd like to offer a perspective which you may not have considered. My T introduced it to me over a year ago and I was too scared to use it. Since then I have done it, several times with different people and know it can work. The method is called relationship "repair" and it means bringing hurtful things out in the open so the partners can acknowledge there's been a breech of some kind and address it in a conscious way.

When something happens between two people who are close and have invested a lot in each other, "stuff" happens which we regret or cause intense feelings. One way to handle it is to bring it up and out, talk about it and see if there's a way to get past it. That might be your first option, unless you've been told otherwise or there's legal action against you.

I personally find this to be the scariest thing I've ever done. Like anything new, we need to practice it to feel comfortable. It's taken me decades to come to the point of being willing and after doing it maybe 3 times. I feel it's worth passing on here.

The method is to find a time and place which the other is willing to listen or engage. That can be established by asking. "I'd like to talk about _______, is this a good time for you?" Or "would you be willing to talk about our conversation last ____________?" Then depending on the reply you can respect their choices and time the repair when they feel most receptive.

The next step is to state the problem as neutrally as possible. That leaves out blame, shame or guilt. Tell how you were affected and ask for a change, if relevant. If you think of yourself as a guilty party, maybe you could start by saying you've had time to consider how hurtful your comments "MIGHT" be and offer an apology.  Then ask for forgiveness. I'm flying blind here, because I don't know anything.

The other person can either "hear" you or not. If they do, and they want to continue their investment in you, they usually offer an explanation or even apology of sorts of their own. It can be as simple as "it was not my intention." You determine whether it is enough for you.

If this person you describe is your best friend and has stuck with you through a diagnosis, then I think it's reasonable to say, they would realize you were triggered by something and could not reach a point of rationality. It happens. I've had decades of "book learnin" and forum posts and whatnot and still get caught up in overwhelming things now and then. It doesn't stop, it just happens less frequently.

So, the reality that your behavior at any ONE time could sever an important connection is low. It may FEEL like that. Sometimes feelings takes days to subside. I hope you're in a better place. If not, hang on, because you'll get there. If you did lose this trusted ally, it's going to take some grit and determination to make your way through grief. You're going to be OK and you'll find the other side, with yourself intact.

Hello Lakelynn,

Thank you.

I really appreciate all of your words, especially considering how ambiguous I know I tend to be. It's hard to imagine how you might be able to contribute in a situation like that. I do think that the practice of repair is something I need to very intentionally implement more often and with more relationships I really want to maintain and build on. This is great guidance. I get that incredible fear, too, when I can even get to this point.

I had been so sure that we would never speak again and that she was irreparably angry with me. The fact that neither of these might be the case had not even occurred to me until I read your post. It kind of felt like it snapped me out of something. It reminded me of past experiences with her that indicated otherwise.

I still wish I could have handled myself much better, and think it is best to keep a healthy distance between us at least for now. But I was able to have a conversation with her since my post that went really well, and offered some closure to some things that I think we both really needed. I think back to how this built up, and I'm reminded I can't stay complacent with myself. If only I could use my own hypervigilance against myself, so to speak. Maybe, with practice.

Thank you again. Very sincerely. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you helping me through some of the toughest days of my life. I'm sincerely wishing you all the best.

[j i m]

The thing that strikes me on reading your post is to wonder whether you have actually pushed this person away or whether that is trauma talking. Even if you have made them angry or sad and they have stomped off, that does not necessarily mean they are not going to come back when they are in a better frame of mind.

I wish you all the best as you work through this, and I hope things are not as bleak as you currently feel they are.

Hey NarcKiddo,

I think you were very right. It is interesting what a week can do. I feel almost strangely more inside my own body. It's a bit hard to describe, but as I've been reading The Body Keeps the Score, I've read interesting passages about how in order to cope with trauma, sufferers will become pretty effective at distancing themselves from... themselves, manifesting in really curious ways.

Things are indeed not so bleak. Life is imperfect, but it is very worth living. I'm thankful for the experiences I've had and chances to keep on growing. Thank you for your post and I hope you're doing well.

[j i m]

I agree this person may be willing to hear about how and why your CPTSD causes you to push them away when you feel threatened. That is what our symptoms do, they were meant to keep us safe but as we all find once we're out of real danger, they kick in anyway. As you found, it can be a friend getting too close to the truth that triggers us, we panic and it seems we cannot stop ourselves from pushing them away.

If it were me as your friend what would mean the most is a genuine apology and offer to listen to how it made them feel. If nothing else you can rest a bit easier knowing you've done your best to make things right. 

Good luck!

Thank you, Kizzie. We were able to communicate much more positively and respectfully. I genuinely feel like we were both trying to show up well for our selves, and not against one another, if that makes sense. I still have a lot to learn, but I feel I'm heading in a better direction and have more of a sense of direction again.

 

[NarcKiddo]

I am so happy to read that you have been able to have a conversation with her since your post that was constructive and went well. That is a very positive development and I hope it gives you some confidence that all may not be lost.

My own trauma reactions have always made me tend to cut and run if there is a relationship problem. I fully resonate with the feeling that everything is ruined and there is no point in trying a repair because a repair seems impossible. You have done so well to have the conversation and I am glad things no longer seem so bleak.

 

[Lakelynn]

Ditto for me too j i m.    I'm very encouraged to read that you've had contact and that it was productive and not a repeat in any way shape or form of your last critical moment.

Thanks for your sweet reply to my previous post. In the heat of the moment, when everything negative is coursing through our brains, it can be hard to see any other view. A little space and time sounds great because it gives both of your some opportunity to "mull." Even when we are not consciously thinking of a problem, the unconscious is hard at work looking it over and turning it around. Peeking at every angle.

Something I read recently is allowing me to feel all kinds of things and opening up my memory, which I've compartmentalized like a bank vault. It is this: Trust your intuition. It is always right, never wrong. It serves to protect you and keep danger at bay. I post this because of your comment, " I need to be hypervigilent with myself." Sorry, I disagree. Hypervigilance springs from our old fears that nothing is ever safe.

Congrats on getting through to the other side.