New and very numb (TW)

[Farfel]

Hello, I just found out this week that my mother died. I moved far away and have been No Contact for many years. I grew up in an alcoholic family where the only bond I had was "Fear". I have been thru therapy, and detached, I thought. I feel nothing, not hate, I do not believe I ever loved my mother, too much fear, so no love, no hate, just indifference which is so painful to realize that I have gone numb. I have flashbacks and isolate with some kind of complicated grief response about the death of someone who was not maternal. It is so confusing...I feel lost as if I do not exist, maybe I have always felt that way...please don't say you are sorry for my loss, I know that's what people say at such times...but loss implies something and I never really had a mother in that sense...just someone forced to give birth as a duty....I am rambling now..I don't know how to process indifference....please don't judge me...I have to be honest.

[Sandals]

I get it. My M is not an alcoholic, but the fear, indifference, dismissiveness is very similar. While I love the idea of loving a mother, I do not love mine.

No judging here. And welcome.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Farfel. 

As Sandals has said, "no judging here." The main reason we are here is to finally and clearly 'speak our truth' whatever that may be.  I hope as you settle in you begin to feel the support and encouragement from OOTS members and are able to explore what that numbness is all about.   

[C.]

It took courage for you to reach out to this community.  I believe that you will find understanding and support.  I hear confusion and pain from you.   I trust you to heal.  Welcome and many hugs.

[Farfel]

being numb....still numb...I remember numb....I somehow burnt my R arm last week when taking a pan from a hot oven, I guess I touched my arm on the still-hot upper oven coil...never felt a thing...then a week later as I'm washing a dish at the sink I "see" my arm with a big mark on it and a puffy redness all around it...still no feeling, but I got out my hydrogen peroxide and swabbed over it....only Then did I feel any pain...it is healing now finally. I flashed back to when I was @ 8y/o...broke my arm at the wrist...I heard it snap...I know it must have hurt, I was rollerskating.....I made no sound, cradled my arm, went in the house, sat down, both parents doing dishes, I was so quiet they did not know I was even there, when they finally saw me I said I was fine...I sat there like a stone...finally my dad came over to me and I must have started to show pain on my face, he saw my arm and tried to help, but I could not keep the hurt in any longer and started sobbing...the wrist bone was broke/bent over. I learned very early in life, to not make noise/show emotion or anger would errupt from my M.....my D was at work alot, but all I knew was if I felt emotion...Go Numb...it's silent...learned behavior..when there is too much pain!!

[Sandals]

I hear you! That was one of my messages, too: crying is irritating, so no crying even if you are in pain. I also get that when I hurt myself. "Hmmm...where'd that blood come from? Oh crap, I cut myself...." Realization from seeing, not feeling.

It's such a false message. You have a voice and deserve to be heard! I'm so sorry your parents did not have the capacity to nurture and love you the way a child should have been.