How do I move forward?

[Lostgirl]

I don't really know where to start with explaining this..
I have had nearly 3 years of being a completely different person, out of control, nearly constantly triggered. But I didn't know that I had any issues at that time I thought my upbringing was normal and I had had a good life so far, blocking a lot of memories out and minimising situations. I have been convinced that I have never been SA for the last 15 years but now looking at things differently it has happened on more than one occasion.
My grandad died 3 years ago, he was my only positive male role model growing up, he was my safe person. Since he died I have spiraled completely out of control to a point where I don't even recognize myself, I have been 15/16 years old again, ignoring the fact that when I was in that state I didn't think about my family it was all about me the inner critic was in control, u couldn't see that my behavior was hurting my husband and children. I would drink myself to Oblivion and turn to abusive sex from others, I guess recreating the SA I suffered as a 15yr old. I was in full on self destruct. My personality wasn't there at all. It felt like I was watching from a distance I couldn't stop myself or say anything. This evil part was in complete control of my life.
Everything that had been going on all came out in February and piecing things together discovered that I was suffering from some kind of mental breakdown, I was assessed by the mental health team and they diagnosed depression and dissociation. We discovered that things were much more complicated and I was diagnosed with BPD (although we all believe it is CPTSD but my psychiatrist says complex trauma isn't a diagnosable illness🤦) following a suicide attempt in March after the break down of my marriage and ending up under the crisis team. I moved out of the family home and worked 1:1 weekly with therapists, finding out that this is all brought on from traumas in the past.
After 6 weeks my husband asked me to move back in after doing so much research and understanding the science behind it all.
(I am not using this as an excuse for my behavior I take full responsibility for my actions, I should not traumatize others because of my own trauma)

Anyway I have been working with a trauma specialist for the last 6 weeks, EMDR and ways of coping ect. Obviously the situation comes up on a nearly daily basis as my husband has been hurt so much.
My therapist has told me to say and believe that "it's not my fault" "I wasn't in control" "I am not that person"
I am finding it very hard to do as I am hearing most days how disgusting and awful my behavior has been, how everything is down to me, the hurt I have caused. And I don't know how to move forward?
My husband isn't to blame for any of this he has been nothing but supportive to me but he obviously has his own issues to deal with.
I don't really know what kind of response I want from this just need to get it down.

[Kizzie]

Hi Lostgirl - FWIW I think you are beginning to find yourself and your way.  You're facing your trauma through therapy and reaching out here so please give yourself credit. It's risky and difficult for us (survivors) and yet here you are so

One thing a lot of members here find helpful is to keep a journal and when they look back over time, they are able to see they are moving forward and making progress in recovery and healing.  We have a sub-forum here,  or you could just do a written hard copy one. It's hard to see small incremental changes on a daily basis but over time they do add up. 

With respect to your H, it's a lot easier to understand and forgive when the cause for our reactive behaviour is understood. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation and it can make things a lot less personal to hear why you behaved as you did (i.e., NOT because of him), and that you are in treatment not only for yourself but for your relationship with him and others.  It's amazing how when we're authentic and open and human, people who love us do respond. Many or most of us did not experience this so it's new but wonderful when we feel it, perhaps for the first time in our lives.

Hope this is helpful 

[EdenJoy1]

I don't know. I just hit on what your p-doc said about it not being diagnosable? Life is a diagnosis. You can quote me on that. They have this massive book with every type of characteristic and yet never take into consideration the plight of the abandoned child. It is very interesting. Abandonment can run the parameters from emotional to physical and everything in between. They don't diagnose it because practically speaking they'd have to drop the transference BS and actually let down their guards to heal the wounds. So, yeah - not diagnosable.

Maybe find a holistic p-doc.