Sorry you're struggling Eden, Complex PTSD can be so overwhelming as many of us here know.
I just wanted to suggest that you fit in here because we get what it feels like and try to help each other recover. One important piece in that effort is trying to understand and accept it's our experience of abuse/neglect that was/is abnormal,
not us. Our responses to that abnormality means we have had to develop responses (e.g., freeze, fight, flee, fawn), to help us survive and that's all, we ourselves aren't weak or defective.
Besides Pete Walker's book I'd recommend "It's Not You, It's What Happened to You" by Christine Courtois.