I cannot fit in - can't get along - can't make it.

[EdenJoy1]

I am too far gone.

Cannot play games. People expect me to be normal and then when they find out I'm not - have a grand time making me feel worse. I hardly ever interact anymore but when I do, I am in dissociative mode. I just can't deal anymore.

Are there any vlogs by anyone who is thriving with this?

Any success stories?

[marti.325]

Read Pete Walker. An author who has CPTSD and helps others through it. Get support. ACA may help: Adult Children of Alcoholics and other dysfunctional families.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad atm, EdenJoy. Could you be in an EF? That could make you feel "too far gone".

As for success stories, you could try our Successes/Progress board:  https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=51.0 My impression is there are quite a few partial success stories here on the board among the mbrs, myself included. Things aren't easy, but they are way, way, way better than they used to be.

Also as marti wrote Pete Walker who wrote "Surviving to Thriving" and is really doing it! You can read some of the book here for free: http://www.pete-walker.com/

[Kizzie]

Sorry you're struggling Eden, Complex PTSD can be so overwhelming as many of us here know. 

I just wanted to suggest that you fit in here because we get what it feels like and try to help each other recover. One important piece in that effort is trying to understand and accept it's our experience of abuse/neglect that was/is abnormal, not us. Our responses to that abnormality means we have had to develop responses (e.g., freeze, fight, flee, fawn), to help us survive and that's all, we ourselves aren't weak or defective. 

Besides Pete Walker's book I'd recommend "It's Not You, It's What Happened to You" by Christine Courtois.

[natureluvr]

it's our experience of abuse/neglect that was/is abnormal, not us. Our responses to that abnormality means we have had to develop responses (e.g., freeze, fight, flee, fawn), to help us survive and that's all, we ourselves aren't weak or defective. 

I have found this to be super helpful in dismantling the shame that has been such a part of my inner experience.  The shame really belongs to the abuser/neglectful parent. 

[woodsgnome]

Everything you've sared here rings true in so many ways, EdenJoy1. But in my experience, most of those 'normal' folks you speak of are basically charlatans loving their clever disguises at your expense. If one had the luxury of knowing, almost everyone has tripped up in some way, though many are adept at hiding behind their naive superior notions of not being as honest about it as you are.

I also tend to dissociate often, but I've come off of blaming myself, as if dissociation is some grand fault that sets me apart. Yes, it can make me feel bad, or mostly sad, that I have to deal with it, but I also recognize that it is normal for anyone recovering from multiple traumas. Laying off this self-blame stance has made a huge difference in that critically important task -- feeling better and believing I'm ok, always have been. despite those smug 'normal' sorts. Again, if we could see beyond their masks, we'd find many hurting as bad or worse than us.

We're at least trying to go beyond the wounds and healing wherever we can. Sometimes the trick is just feeling a place to start. It's what drew many of us to this forum. I hope this likewise signals your willingness to find new perspectives and learn how beautiful you are just by allowing yourself to wonder. There are few easy answers, but begin by knowing you are probably even more 'normal' that those gloating know-it-alls would be too scared to let on.

I wish you well on this worty journey.

[Kizzie]

The shame really belongs to the abuser/neglectful parent.

Absolutely it does!!

[jimrich]

Hello Edenjoy1,
I'm new here and have only done group therapy in the distant past.  My unresolved issues are about not fitting in and some other Trauma stuff so I don't have any significant "success" stories.  Since my late wife crossed over, I've been struggling to live well or better without her or some other director/guide to help me be Ok. Just yesterday, I found a book at Barnes that may help you & others:
"This is How You Grow After Trauma" by Dr. Olivia Remes
A very simple, direct, non-technical & practical book about dealing with Trauma & other stuff. 
Good luck & best wishes, jim

[Kizzie]

Thank you for sharing this Jim! I'd be interested in hearing about whether and how the book helps you out.