Looking for hope

[Allikat_78]

If I post my whole story it would be a memoir ( which has crossed my mind bc I was an English major in college). So I will post it with bullet points
• I had a traumatic birth and my mom went into shock after the emergency c- section which was followed by severe postpartum depression. We did not get the initial bond between a mother and her child bc of this. She had been thru massive trauma prior to getting married to my dad and she was emotionally and physically abusive. I was terrified of her as I grew up.
•My first memory is of my mom and dad fighting as we were headed home from a late night at the barn where the horses were housed. He threatened to jump out of the truck and my mom egged him on. The next thing I knew he opened the door and jumped out of the truck and rolled down the ditch.
• I was molested for 4 years by my cousin from the ages of 6 to 10.
• Dropped out of college bc my first ex told me that the JW cult had the answers and I was in love and desperate.
• My second ex, who I was with for over 15 years sexually coerced me into doing things I didn't want to do but I loved him. So I engaged, and he would become furious bc he compared our sex life to people he wanted me to sleep with and when I finally put my foot down, the marriage got uglier than ever. I did not realize that the coersion was abuse until I got feedback from my addictions counselor. I am currently seeking help.
• My ex controlled everything. From the money I spent to the tattoos I got and if I did something for me, I would get the silent treatment for DAYS. Even when he physically abused me long before we were married, instead of apologizing for what he did, he chose to go play video games with his friends.
• On November 8th 2016 he went into my phone and saw I was venting to my friends which was NOT allowed. He ended the marriage that day.

I will stop here. I need support. My family is VERY dysfunctional and I have no friends so I am doing this alone, with the help of a mental health team.

I am LOST.

[marta1234]

Allikat, this is a lot. I am sorry that any of this happened to you, but I'm thankful you found this site. I can already say that I will support you if you ever choose to share, and everyone here will too. Sending you much love and hugs (if it's ok)  

[Kizzie]

Hi  Allikat and a warm welcome to OOTS 

I know you feel lost, but  in reaching out you found us and we found you so you're not as alone anymore.  We have an adopted 'anthem' here you might want to take a listen to - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFZmT-LRMBM

Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?

Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay
'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand

And oh, someone will come running
And I know, they'll take you home

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you're broken on the ground
You will be found

So let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again
Lift your head and look around
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found
You will be found

[C.]

Hello Allikat,  I am happy to see that you've reached out here.  I am so sorry for what you went through.  One of my earliest memories is of my parents fighting in their car...it's so traumatic for a child...I watched the video that Kizzie posted and the poem and found them very uplifting.  I hope that can happen for you as well.  I remember earlier in my healing a time of being mostly alone other than my therapist, but as I healed I learned to recognize healthy and gradually added healthy people into my life.  For me I needed that time away from others to be able to recognize healthy human relationships.  Out of the Storm was a part of that process for me and I hope that you find more hope and healing here.  Thank you for reaching out and giving us the opportunity to help you for in that we all heal a little.

[Not Alone]

Allikat, welcome. As I read your post I felt sad for all the pain and trauma you have experienced. The people on this forum have been very kind and supportive of me. I hope that as you spend time here, you will know that we are for you, and that you feel less alone.

[Three Roses]

A warm welcome to you! This forum is the first place I ever felt like I belonged, I'm hoping you have the same feeling about us. ♥️

[Hope67]

Hi Allikat,
Wishing you a warm welcome 
Hope