Letter to my coworker

[rainydiary]

I just processed an interaction I had today and I don't know where else to say this.

Dear Colleague,

I've written to you before and addressed you differently.  The nature of our relationship seems to have changed so a name change seems ok.

I am deeply hurt by the manner in which I felt dismissed by you today.  I would say this hurt extends beyond today but the events of today really pushed me across a line.

We restarted work about 3 weeks ago.  The first few days you literally would not look at me when you entered a room.  Seriously?  In those moments I felt so small yet so angry at you.  That is some petty stuff. 

At a moment that felt right, I initiated a conversation to clear the air over our issues that began last year.  It seemed to help.  I thought we would be on a better track.  That we would find a way to work together.

And now?  You gave me the worst times to do my work.  The timing ensures I will not be successful.  I agreed to this time in an attempt to support you and your plans.  But now it is just a recipe for us judging one another and not working together.

I have empathy and can see how this is a hard time for you.  I have empathy because last year I was so mentally unwell I don't know how I got by.  I have empathy because I know you are trying to do right by the people you are caring for.

Yet I will no longer take on your inability to have a direct conversation with me.  Yes I could initiate a conversation too.  I will work toward that.  But I have tried to open up the communication.  You have told me things are fine.  If they aren't fine then stop saying that to me.  If you want to be a martyr, go ahead. 

I am so sad by this time and what it is doing to people.  But you were treating me this way  before the pandemic.  I don't want to feel badly every time I walk away from an interaction with you.  I'm not sure how to do that yet.