Feel child like most of the time.

[Bounty]

I have a tendency to feel like a scared child rather than a 40 year old adult, I find myself cuddling a soft toy to sleep to help me feel safe and I sometimes hold it while sat watching tv.

I had my second counselling session to day and told the counsellor how I feel and I was even holding the toy throughout the session which I admitted to her she said does it sound right that you are trying to comfort the child in you? I find this all very difficult to understand and feel embarrassed really.

I think it's linked to flashbacks of things that happened at boarding school as I was a very scared child then but it was so long ago I shouldn't be like this.

I know I was bullied at school and was made to do things by peers of a sexual nature could this be why?

[woodsgnome]

I think I recognize some of your mindset. I still find myself rather child-like, or is it turtle-like? I'm always shrinking back under my protective shell. Slowly, I'm trying to poke my head out, but it rarely works for long, until I find myself still stuck under the hard shell. It's very slow to try and undo so many years of trauma. Patience can run in short supply, but it seems necessary (is that adult-like? I'm not sure).

Child-like? Definitely it can be taken that way, this reticence to take any steps forward, let alone bold ones. All's not lost if one can adjust their thoughts about it, at least a little. Child-like does suggests an innocence -- a beginner's mind -- and this cptsd struggle is nothing if not a new beginning.

In some ways, my own story was built around never wanting to be like the adults I was around when young. Growing up never seemed real to me, given all the anger and worse that I saw in those adults (and peers who mimicked their meanness).

From what you've said, yes you feel scared and still like a child in some ways. But that's not a flaw, only a characteristic of being a survivor. It's taken me a long time to re-discover that I'm okay, though. I have quirks but they needn't defeat my growth into whatever it is; I just don't call it adulthood, apparently (also for obvious reasons).

So first up, it might help to give yourself credit as a sensitive survivor who will find your way forward. Maybe it helps to allow the good parts that seem child-like, or don't even label it, as sensitivity is not a flaw to be ashamed of, but a strength to build upon.

This seems contrary to what's expected -- the growing up stuff we're all fed. Or maybe it's more like a maturity, and some people who seem child-like are really more mature in some ways. 

[marta1234]

Bounty, you're not alone in this. Most times I also feel like a child, like a kid who just wants to take a toy and cuddle it and watch kid movies. I feel the embarrassment and shame even while typing this. I feel that for me, I developed the shame and embarrassment pretty quickly as growing up my parents and siblings would tell me to "stop acting like a child" or "when are you going to learn to have responsibilities", and I would feel so humiliated. Sadly right now I can't even comfort that child because I'm unable to admit this to myself (trauma is in the way) but i hope I will some day.
Sending support your way 

[Bounty]

Thank you for your replies, it's helps to know I'm not alone as c-ptsd is scary and a lonely journey I'm finding.
I think my counsellor wants to work on this over the coming weeks but only if I'm ready, just thinking about what I went through at school makes me panicky and emotional- how can I talk about it with a virtual stranger? Will the inner child always come to the surface? Will I ever feel like an adult?

I know I'm a mum with responsibilities and on the outside I seem like I have it all together but inside the child is scared, lonely and hurting so much.

[Not Alone]

I know I'm a mum with responsibilities and on the outside I seem like I have it all together but inside the child is scared, lonely and hurting so much.

Completely get this. A couple of years ago, with the voice of my therapist in my head telling me to be kind the the child inside, I bought a teddy bear. He is now pretty ragged because I hold him a lot. I don't know if you answered your therapist's question, but it is okay and even good for you to comfort the child inside.