THIS is a confrontation letter I have been working on for days. Your thoughts are appreciated.
Dear Dad,
I heard you broke your leg and it was quite bad, and that it had to be screwed back together and then 6 weeks of rehab. That’s terrible, and was sad news to hear. I hope you are not in too much pain, and that you heal quickly and get mobile again. I have to wonder if the radiation did not weaken the bones, as I am guessing that was the leg you broke. In any case, I am sorry that happened to you, and I hope you heal quickly and get on your feet again soon.
I got your email. I am not sure why you keep writing me these emails, but I wish you would stop. There is only one thing you could say to me that would persuade me that you MIGHT be serious in wanting to reconnect, and willing to try to have some sort of relationship with me. And that is for you to say you understand that what you said hurt me badly, that it was not true, and that you are very sorry you said it. And second that you will try very hard in the future not to say things that will hurt me ever again. That might persuade me you are serious.
But, if you can’t say that to me? Then please stop writing to me. It’s a waste of time and it’s pointless.
I want you to know that ever since you said that to my daughter about me – That I was a bad example for her to follow and that I had ruined my life? I have been researching what could possibly be wrong with you, and I found it. I am 99% certain you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And unfortunately it is pretty much incurable
Your email did make me laugh. I could totally imagine you getting dressed in front a mirror and thinking of me, and thinking of all of the men you say hurt me so badly in my life, when all the while, the one man who hurt me the most? Is right in front of your face. If you will just look in the mirror. You are the man who damaged me the most, and set me on the road of searching to make it come out right the next time around. Thankfully no other man in my life was as damaging to me as you were. You were the absolute best at it. You were the king of pain.
I want you to know that your parents both separately and together, told me with deep sorrow on several occasions, that they knew when you were a child that there was something wrong with you, but they did not do anything about it, due to the stigma at the time associated with seeking counseling. They both apologized to me for not doing anything, as they saw the damage that was being done to me. And they both tried very hard to make it up to me, and to make my life happier. And they were successful. Sometimes I think they saved my sanity. But just the fact that they knew what I was living with? Helped. It helped me stay sane.
I’ve known there was something deeply wrong with you all of my life as far back as I can remember, and it was nice to later get confirmation from your parents of my suspicions, and it did help me, but I already knew. I lived with you, I knew. But I did not know what was wrong with you until a year and a half ago. When I got serious about looking for answers. Because I knew it wasn’t me. I know who I am. And I am not the person you think I am.
So knowing what I know about you? My opinion about you and me? Leave it alone. I have no faith, and no confidence that you can ever be cured or helped at this late stage in your life.
Also, I sincerely doubt you can do what I am asking, and that is apologize and commit to do better going forward. It’s an integral part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and this is something that a person who has it CANNOT do. They cannot apologize for their wrong doing, because they do not see or believe they have done anything wrong. It’s really a terrible mental disorder to have. It is part of a group of disorders where the person who has it thinks they are fine, but they make everyone around them feel crazy.
Just in case you are interested, here’s what I have been diagnosed with: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have had it since I
was a very young child. I remembered last summer what events caused it. Actually I remembered the events when we were still living in Switzerland, but I did not understand the significance of it at the time. And I shoved it into my subconscious to be thought about later. Anyway…
You used to beat me with a belt quite severely. Which was bad enough, but that is not what directly caused it. It was afterwards. Afterwards you would get angry with me, and you would yell at me to “Get that look off of your face! You look angry! You had better not be angry with me!” or “Stop the waterworks! Stop crying or I will give you something to really cry about!” And it was at that moment when I was already feeling so sad, and so unloved, and so unforgiven, that you taught me to hate my own face. You thought I was angry. You told me that my face was lying to you, and it was telling you that I was angry. But inside, I was only desperately sad, and scared, and wanting your love and your forgiveness.
Eventually, after many, many experiences like this, I finally broke inside, and I developed Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not going to tell you what that is like, but let’s just say it was an added complication I really did not need to have in my life. And you gave it to me. Through repeatedly traumatizing me and by withholding love.
And so today, I cannot be around anybody who is criticizing, controlling, sarcastic, mocking, negative, or judging towards me. Because they trigger something awful inside of me that sends me back to that terrifying painful place when I hated my own face for telling you the wrong things, and where your love was withheld, and you had no forgiveness or compassion for a small, helpless, powerless child.
But thankfully I have only run into about 10 total people in my whole life who could actually do that to me. Who could send me into the trauma that is CPTSD. Unfortunately I had to work for two of them, and I was married to one of them, and then he married another one of them, and 3 of them counting you, are in my own family, but I still survived. And as long as I stay away from those people? I am fine. No pain, no symptoms.
So I am telling you all of this so you will understand why I am skeptical, very skeptical that you and I can ever have a relationship at all. Because the truth is whenever I am around you? I go into that flashback state of CPTSD and I am not myself. I am a scared lonely kid waiting for the axe to fall. And fall it does. Every time I am around you? You pick and nag, and criticize, and complain, and argue and attack until I am in pain and tears. And that is not good for me. So I really do not think I can be around you ever again, because it is just too painful and takes me back into the trauma of the past.
So honestly? Even if you apologized? Now, after all of this time? I really don’t think it would help. I don’t trust you, I don’t respect you, and I don’t see any point in trying anymore. I have tried to make you love me all of my life, but there is just something too wrong with you, and you do not know what love really is. And I just don’t have any faith that it can be fixed.
So I don’t believe your email either. You cherry picked some moments and tried to make it look like you loved me. But you just don’t really know what love is. That’s another part of the Disorder. Narcissists have no feelings. Except the bad ones, like rage and envy.
Your disorder prevents you from being able to feel real love for anyone. It’s awful and I feel great sorrow and compassion for you. But nobody can help you except you. You would have to seek help with a professional. Talking with a friend isn’t going to fix it. This is one of the most difficult Personality Disorders there is to treat. Really, it’s considered incurable.
I have forgiven you for what you have done to me, but one thing that I do not think I can forgive you for anytime soon? Is that you made my sister into your image. I think she is finally succumbing to the disorder that you have, and she has been fighting it for a long time. But she’s not winning the battle. My therapist has helped me see that my sister has always had symptoms.
My sister killed my one of my dogs once, because she thought her dog was more important than my dog. She put my dog to sleep, she euthanized it without my knowledge or permission. That would definitely be a symptom of Narcissistic Personality Disorder – believing that what you want is simply more important than another person, and not being able to see how wrong it is to take someone else’s property and destroy it. And there are a lot of other things too that I have been in denial about with my sister that my therapist is helping me to see. So I am quite angry with you for doing that to her. For training her be like you. And my youngest brother too. He is just like you too. Smarter, but just as hateful.
You were given a chance to help make beautiful kids into beautiful people. You had four gifts on loan from God to take care of and to love. Now, two of them also probably have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one has Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the other is broken and limping through life as best he can self medicating with alcohol, to try to erase his pain.
And I can’t forgive you anytime soon for what you did to my mother either. A beautiful, loving, kind woman, who you squashed, and drug down and ground beneath your heel until there was nothing left except an empty shell of a person. But with mom I do accept that she had choices. She was an adult. She could have called Child Protective Services. She could have refused to participate in your discipline plan, she could have told you she would leave you if you did not get counseling. She could have left you and taken us with her. But she did not.
You use the fact that she stayed with you to validate and prove to yourself that you were right. To me, it just means my mother was weak. Too weak to stand up to your Disorder. But I forgive her too. It is a terrible awful Disorder. And very confusing to the victims. They think they are crazy, when all along it is just you. Thankfully, through therapy, I can see it now. But it makes me sad to see the wreckage you have strewn in your wake.
In any case, your children didn’t have any choices. We were only children, and we were your prisoners, and you warped every single one of us. I think my older brother and I are the only sane ones left. Broken, yes, but somehow sill sane.
But I have to accept that because of your mental illness that you could not properly care for the gifts you were loaned. You were
incapable. You don’t even know there’s anything wrong with you. That’s probably the saddest part of all. You are simply incapable of seeing the destruction you have caused in other people’s lives. And you cannot see what is wrong with you, or what you have done. And that is very sad.
Anyway, ever since I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I shared that news? My sister has turned on me and attacked me and been viciously cruel to me. She has no compassion and no empathy for what I am going through. She doesn’t seem to be able to comprehend you gave it to me. But it doesn’t matter what she thinks, because I know how I got this, because I remember. I remember the many, many things you did to me that broke me into pieces. I know exactly how you did it. And I remember exactly how it happened.
So anyway, my sister and I are not communicating either. Because she cannot treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I have done nothing wrong. I know it is not right for somebody to cruelly attack me, and mock me for a condition you gave to me. So my sister and I aren’t friends anymore either. Which is very sad. But her cruel and manipulative treatment triggers me into flashbacks much of the time these days, so we just cannot see each other anymore.
So I think it is time for me to just quit trying with all of you. Instead, I will just love all of you from afar. And if you feel like it, you can love me from afar too. But there is just too much damage and too little time left. You just don’t have enough time left to try to fix what is wrong with you, even if you wanted to. And I cannot be around you since you probably have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, because it makes me sick too. Your sickness triggers me into painful flashbacks, and so I think it is best for me to just not be around you anymore. Because when I am not around you or your youngest son or my sister? I am fine, and happy and at peace.
So again, I hope your leg heals up soon, and you get back on your feet, but in my opinion? Give up on me. Just leave me alone. It will be better for both of us.
Thank you again for giving me life. I am going to make the best of it that I can. It is still a wonderful gift. A bit tarnished and beaten up and scarred, but if I take better care of it, it will be fine, and I will still be able to fulfill my purpose, God’s purpose for me. I am thankful to be alive. But you and I? You are like poison to me when we are together. So let’s just leave it alone and love each other from afar if we can.
Love, Very Foggy
