Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger

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C.

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Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger
« on: April 13, 2015, 06:28:20 PM »
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current members post and respond here please.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time

Self-Help   

3.   Write drafts of letters to your abusers expressing your anger with them.  You can get a lot of the anger sorted out by writing long letters that detail every imaginable angle of your anger.  Whether you send the letters or not is up to you. Sending these types of letters is considered a confrontation, so you will want to give this issue serious consideration.

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2015, 03:12:01 AM »
This is not a confrontation letter.  It is the last letter I sent to my father after months and months of trying to get him to apologize for the horrible untrue things he said to me and to my daughter. There were two confrontation letters before this one.  I sent this last one May 31, 2014.  He has still not apologized, but writing this made me feel better. After I released all pain and anger, I needed to feel like I had done all I could. And that is what really matters.

He still tries to contact me from time to time.  But I will not respond.  He is never sorry for what he has done. And so I have no hope and I just ignore him. I just don't answer him anymore. Because until he has true remorse and sorrow for what he did and vows to do better going forward?  We cannot have a relationship.  But I can love him from afar.

Dear Dad,

I got your little note today saying you think of me when you read your Kindle Bible. Thatís good and I hope you will continue to reflect upon me as you read your Bible. It has great meaning and importance to you and I believe it will lead you to the truth. And someday I hope that you can see that most of the things you thought about me in the past are untrue.  Maybe by reading your Bible you can eventually understand who I am and that I am not this terrible person you made me up to be in your mind.  Maybe someday you will be able to tell me you are sorry for what you have said about me to me and to others.

I still believe that unless you are willing to apologize and try to get along better and try to keep your negative thoughts to yourself that I cannot be around you anymore. I do finally understand that you thought you were helping but it had the exact opposite effect, and was not helpful at all and very destructive.

So until you are able to see me as I am and not this made up person in your head I cannot be around you.  I forgive you.  I release all anger and pain from my heart. But at the same time I have to do what is right for me. And I cannot be around negativity right now. It is not possible for me to deal with the reality of what is really happening in my life and deal with your problems seeing who I am at the same time. I need you to trust that I am capable of handling my own life.  That I got enough tools to do so when I was in your care, and that I will be fine. I need you to let go and trust I will be fine. Even when it looks to you like it is not fine, I need you trust it will be fine.

I trust that God will help you.  That someday you will let go and let God.

Do know that He is helping me and I am at peace. 

I am discovering I already have lots of love in my life and I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me and who are very uplifting to my spirit. Even J my son and I are learning to love each other a little after years of hate and anger. C is a dear blessing, as is L, and my friend CC in Oklahoma.  All of these people believe in me and trust me and love me very much and I am lucky to have it. I am surrounded by love and blessings through my children, my friends, my grandchildren and even the world. I get great pleasure from being kind and thoughtful to complete strangers. At the grocery store, at the veterinarians office, at the dentistís office and even my doctor. I feel lucky that I have chances every day to give and receive love.

Thank you for life and I trust someday you will trust me to run that life.  But right I cannot allow things in my life that hurt me and make me feel bad.   And your lack of ability to trust me to run my own life is too painful to ignore. And so I have to keep love in my heart for you, but also do what is right and good for me. The friction between you and me is too painful for me to be around, so I will love you from afar and trust God to take care of you and lead you.

Have a Happy Fatherís Day and I hope that soon you will see you did a good job as a father, and now it is time to let go and trust God to take care of me. You donít need to do it anymore, God is taking very good care of me.

Love Very Foggy
« Last Edit: April 15, 2015, 03:25:29 AM by VeryFoggy »

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anosognosia

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Re: Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2015, 07:19:49 PM »
I will PM you all, but I would ask the group how they feel about me not censoring my letter (ie some swearwords)?  If the forum rules still apply to PMs of course I will respect them and bleep them out.

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2015, 08:28:27 PM »
It wouldn't bother me Ano.

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C.

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Re: Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2015, 08:35:52 PM »
I look forward to reading your letter.

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bee

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Re: Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2015, 10:49:52 PM »
Swear words do not bother me.

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2015, 03:31:11 AM »
THIS is a confrontation letter I have been working on for days.  Your thoughts are appreciated.

Dear Dad,

I heard you broke your leg and it was quite bad, and that it had to be screwed back together and then 6 weeks of rehab.  Thatís terrible, and was sad news to hear. I hope you are not in too much pain, and that you heal quickly and get mobile again.  I have to wonder if the radiation did not weaken the bones, as I am guessing that was the leg you broke. In any case, I am sorry that happened to you, and I hope you heal quickly and get on your feet again soon.

I got your email.  I am not sure why you keep writing me these emails, but I wish you would stop.  There is only one thing you could say to me that would persuade me that you MIGHT be serious in wanting to reconnect, and willing to try to have some sort of relationship with me.  And that is for you to say you understand that what you said hurt me badly, that it was not true, and that you are very sorry you said it. And second that you will try very hard in the future not to say things that will hurt me ever again. That might persuade me you are serious.

But, if you canít say that to me?  Then please stop writing to me. Itís a waste of time and itís pointless.

I want you to know that ever since you said that to my daughter about me Ė That I was a bad example for her to follow and that I had ruined my life?   I have been researching what could possibly be wrong with you, and I found it.  I am 99% certain you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  And unfortunately it is pretty much incurable

Your email did make me laugh. I could totally imagine you getting dressed in front a mirror and thinking of me, and thinking of all of the men you say hurt me so badly in my life, when all the while, the one man who hurt me the most?  Is right in front of your face.  If you will just look in the mirror. You are the man who damaged me the most, and set me on the road of searching to make it come out right the next time around.  Thankfully no other man in my life was as damaging to me as you were. You were the absolute best at it.  You were the king of pain.

I want you to know that your parents both separately and together, told me with deep sorrow on several occasions, that they knew when you were a child that there was something wrong with you, but they did not do anything about it, due to the stigma at the time associated with seeking counseling.  They both apologized to me for not doing anything, as they saw the damage that was being done to me.  And they both tried very hard to make it up to me, and to make my life happier.  And they were successful. Sometimes I think they saved my sanity. But just the fact that they knew what I was living with?  Helped.  It helped me stay sane.

Iíve known there was something deeply wrong with you all of my life as far back as I can remember, and it was nice to later get confirmation from your parents of my suspicions, and it did help me, but I already knew.  I lived with you, I knew. But I did not know what was wrong with you until a year and a half ago. When I got serious about looking for answers. Because I knew it wasnít me. I know who I am. And I am not the person you think I am.

So knowing what I know about you? My opinion about you and me?  Leave it alone.  I have no faith, and no confidence that you can ever be cured or helped at this late stage in your life.

Also, I sincerely doubt you can do what I am asking, and that is apologize and commit to do better going forward. Itís an integral part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and this is something that a person who has it CANNOT do.  They cannot apologize for their wrong doing, because they do not see or believe they have done anything wrong.  Itís really a terrible mental disorder to have. It is part of a group of disorders where the person who has it thinks they are fine, but they make everyone around them feel crazy.

Just in case you are interested, hereís what I have been diagnosed with:  Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have had it since I
was a very young child. I remembered last summer what events caused it. Actually I remembered the events when we were still living in Switzerland, but I did not understand the significance of it at the time. And I shoved it into my subconscious to be thought about later. AnywayÖ

You used to beat me with a belt quite severely.  Which was bad enough, but that is not what directly caused it. It was afterwards. Afterwards you would get angry with me, and you would yell at me to ďGet that look off of your face!  You look angry!  You had better not be angry with me!Ē  or ďStop the waterworks!  Stop crying or I will give you something to really cry about!Ē  And it was at that moment when I was already feeling so sad, and so unloved, and so unforgiven, that you taught me to hate my own face.  You thought I was angry.  You told me that my face was lying to you, and it was telling you that I was angry.  But inside, I was only desperately sad, and scared, and wanting your love and your forgiveness.

Eventually, after many, many experiences like this, I finally broke inside, and I developed Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I am not going to tell you what that is like, but letís just say it was an added complication I really did not need to have in my life.  And you gave it to me. Through repeatedly traumatizing me and by withholding love.

And so today, I cannot be around anybody who is criticizing, controlling, sarcastic, mocking, negative, or judging towards me.  Because they trigger something awful inside of me that sends me back to that terrifying painful place when I hated my own face for telling you the wrong things, and where your love was withheld, and you had no forgiveness or compassion for a small, helpless, powerless child.

But thankfully I have only run into about 10 total people in my whole life who could actually do that to me. Who could send me into the trauma that is CPTSD.  Unfortunately I had to work for two of them, and I was married to one of them, and then he married another one of them, and 3 of them counting you, are in my own family, but I still survived.  And as long as I stay away from those people?  I am fine.  No pain, no symptoms.

So I am telling you all of this so you will understand why I am skeptical, very skeptical that you and I can ever have a relationship at all.  Because the truth is whenever I am around you?  I go into that flashback state of CPTSD and I am not myself.  I am a scared lonely kid waiting for the axe to fall.  And fall it does.  Every time I am around you? You pick and nag, and criticize, and complain, and argue and attack until I am in pain and tears.  And that is not good for me. So I really do not think I can be around you ever again, because it is just too painful and takes me back into the trauma of the past.

So honestly?  Even if you apologized?  Now, after all of this time? I really donít think it would help.  I donít trust you, I donít respect you, and I donít see any point in trying anymore.  I have tried to make you love me all of my life, but there is just something too wrong with you, and you do not know what love really is.  And I just donít have any faith that it can be fixed.

So I donít believe your email either.  You cherry picked some moments and tried to make it look like you loved me.  But you just donít really know what love is. Thatís another part of the Disorder. Narcissists have no feelings. Except the bad ones, like rage and envy.

Your disorder prevents you from being able to feel real love for anyone. Itís awful and I feel great sorrow and compassion for you. But nobody can help you except you.  You would have to seek help with a professional. Talking with a friend isnít going to fix it.  This is one of the most difficult Personality Disorders there is to treat. Really, itís considered incurable.

I have forgiven you for what you have done to me, but one thing that I do not think I can forgive you for anytime soon?  Is that you made my sister into your image.  I think she is finally succumbing to the disorder that you have, and she has been fighting it for a long time.  But sheís not winning the battle.  My therapist has helped me see that my sister has always had symptoms.

My sister killed my one of my dogs once, because she thought her dog was more important than my dog.  She put my dog to sleep, she euthanized it without my knowledge or permission. That would definitely be a symptom of Narcissistic Personality Disorder Ė believing that what you want is simply more important than another person, and not being able to see how wrong it is to take someone elseís property and destroy it.  And there are a lot of other things too that I have been in denial about with my sister that my therapist is helping me to see.  So I am quite angry with you for doing that to her.  For training her be like you.  And my youngest brother too.  He is just like you too.  Smarter, but just as hateful.

You were given a chance to help make beautiful kids into beautiful people. You had four gifts on loan from God to take care of and to love. Now, two of them also probably have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one has Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the other is broken and limping through life as best he can self medicating with alcohol, to try to erase his pain.

And I canít forgive you anytime soon for what you did to my mother either.  A beautiful, loving, kind woman, who you squashed, and drug down and ground beneath your heel until there was nothing left except an empty shell of a person. But with mom I do accept that she had choices. She was an adult.  She could have called Child Protective Services.  She could have refused to participate in your discipline plan, she could have told you she would leave you if you did not get counseling.  She could have left you and taken us with her.  But she did not. 

You use the fact that she stayed with you to validate and prove to yourself that you were right.  To me, it just means my mother was weak. Too weak to stand up to your Disorder. But I forgive her too.  It is a terrible awful Disorder. And very confusing to the victims. They think they are crazy, when all along it is just you. Thankfully, through therapy, I can see it now. But it makes me sad to see the wreckage you have strewn in your wake.

In any case, your children didnít have any choices.  We were only children, and we were your prisoners, and you warped every single one of us.  I think my older brother and I are the only sane ones left. Broken, yes, but somehow sill sane.

But I have to accept that because of your mental illness that you could not properly care for the gifts you were loaned.  You were
incapable. You donít even know thereís anything wrong with you.  Thatís probably the saddest part of all. You are simply incapable of seeing the destruction you have caused in other peopleís lives. And you cannot see what is wrong with you, or what you have done. And that is very sad.

Anyway, ever since I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I shared that news?  My sister has turned on me and attacked me and been viciously cruel to me. She has no compassion and no empathy for what I am going through. She doesnít seem to be able to comprehend you gave it to me.  But it doesnít matter what she thinks, because I know how I got this, because I remember.  I remember the many, many things you did to me that broke me into pieces. I know exactly how you did it.  And I remember exactly how it happened.

So anyway, my sister and I are not communicating either. Because she cannot treat me the way I deserve to be treated.  I have done nothing wrong. I know it is not right for somebody to cruelly attack me, and mock me for a condition you gave to me.  So my sister and I arenít friends anymore either. Which is very sad.  But her cruel and manipulative treatment triggers me into flashbacks much of the time these days, so we just cannot see each other anymore.

So I think it is time for me to just quit trying with all of you.  Instead, I will just love all of you from afar. And if you feel like it, you can love me from afar too.  But there is just too much damage and too little time left.  You just donít have enough time left to try to fix what is wrong with you, even if you wanted to.  And I cannot be around you since you probably have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, because it makes me sick too. Your sickness triggers me into painful flashbacks, and so I think it is best for me to just not be around you anymore. Because when I am not around you or your youngest son or my sister?  I am fine, and happy and at peace.

So again, I hope your leg heals up soon, and you get back on your feet, but in my opinion?  Give up on me.  Just leave me alone.  It will be better for both of us.

Thank you again for giving me life.  I am going to make the best of it that I can.  It is still a wonderful gift.  A bit tarnished and beaten up and scarred, but if I take better care of it, it will be fine, and I will still be able to fulfill my purpose, Godís purpose for me.  I am thankful to be alive. But you and I?  You are like poison to me when we are together.  So letís just leave it alone and love each other from afar if we can.   


Love, Very Foggy

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C.

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Re: Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2015, 08:22:16 PM »
My thoughts...I love your sincerity, your authenticity and your compassion.  You set your boundary to stay safe yet left the others w/their dignity and choices intact.

I noticed you said "probably" have NPD at the end.  Why the probably?

Anyway, good work.  It took courage to share this letter.  Yes, life is worth living and with God's purpose in mind.  I can tell from what you've said about your work, your kids, and in this group that you've touched many lives in a positive way.  It's sad members of your family cannot see that, but it's time to say good-bye.  Because we, and many others, see the real and wonderful you... :hug:

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Self-Help Activity 3: Letters to abusers expressing anger
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2015, 11:43:06 PM »
Thank you C.  I appreciate you taking the time to read my very long letter. It's hard for me to sum up a lifetime of pain in a short way. I doubt I can actually send it as it will only be proof  to him and it will be shared with others about just how crazy I am. And as the lot of them are still very much in the FOG, they will dutifully agree it's so sad Very Foggy has lost her marbles.

I say probably about his disorder because I am not a psychologist.  I am just a lay person who has absorbed massive amounts of information about the Disorder once I found out he matched the DSM description to a T. And also in my family logic or some reasonable facsimile thereof was always prized, so if I make a mistake and outright accuse him of having something I have no business diagnosing?  The whole thing will be trash. So I have to leave it open ended in the event I do send it. It is my opinion.  It is not a fact.

But any little misstep or wrong word could land you in a horrific unwinnable battle with him.  So I tried to be careful. Isn't that sad?

Thank you again for the beautiful words.  You made my day!