Talking to son & protecting other kids

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Marian82

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Talking to son & protecting other kids
« on: August 29, 2020, 08:44:44 PM »
Dear all,

I have a few questions. Especially for those with narcissistic FOO. Sorry for the long text.

Son is 9.

1. Father of son was diagnosed with autism plus callous-unemotional traits. Other psychs were quite sure of added narcissism or sociopathy, but the testing psych said "autists have no personality, thus no personality disorder" (which i found a grave insult). I personally see ex as a very young child with reactive attachment disorder in an adult body. Probably with some underlying autism too, but there was something much different to autism on the forefront (e.g. manipulation, calculated boundary crossing, covert sadism, extreme survival mechanisms). I quit contact when i realised that, when son was a baby, and fought for my kid. Judge said no legal rights for him. 

So. Im struggling with how to speak to son about his dad and how to prepare him in case he would ever search for him. Son is truly empathic and kind. I fear for it. Any advice?

2. I never met his parents, save for 10 minutes with his mum, which was bizar (e.g. ex showed his secret hiding place outside the apartment for valuable stuff, to prevent his parents from destroying it). I do not plan on contacting them.

But ex has a sister and we spoke through email. They live abroad. Im afraid she is similarly impacted by their childhood. She f.e. send me terrifyingly dark artistic movies about abuse with no explanation and she defended her brother. She also quit contact with her parents though, which i guess is a sign of awareness. I never spoke to her about what happened, cause when i left the fog, i was too scared. She is divorced. I fear for her kid. What if she is a narcissist or so too? Or what if she isnt but leaves the kid with her brother? Is there anything i can do to protect the kid...It feels horrible to have had an insight into their family and do nothing. I have contact info of her ex-partner, but not her.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2020, 09:41:59 PM by Marian82 »

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Marian82

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Re: Talking to son & protecting other kids
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2020, 09:06:04 PM »
Also i wondered....

How can it be that one moment he was kind, showing genuine empathy (e.g. worried that son was put alone in a crib in hospital) and another moment he was threatening (e.g. saying he will kidnap him) or covertly sadistic (e.g. bullying our few weeks old son to scare and bully me) or saying bizar stuff (e.g. that he hopes our kid would be severely ill and i would collapse so he had more power) or showing that he knows he hurt both of us in a calculated way (e.g. saying he will manipulate everyone if i ever speak up and have me declared crazy). 

???

I still wonder if there had been a way to reach his good side. I really saw it underneath the "emotional scar tissue".
« Last Edit: August 29, 2020, 09:40:48 PM by Marian82 »

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Three Roses

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Re: Talking to son & protecting other kids
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2020, 02:53:25 PM »
You sound like a caring person who is concerned with the welfare and happiness of children and others.

I think your son should know a little about his father, if only for his protection. For instance, knowing what he looks like and that he's not a stable person may help your son at some point, should the ex find and contact him in the future. As far as information apart from that, it may be wise to take your cues from your son, and only answer questions that your son is ready and able to ask. If he asks a question that's difficult to answer, you can always say something like, "Hmmm, that's a good question...can I think about it for a little while before I answer?"

Quote
I still wonder if there had been a way to reach his good side. I really saw it underneath the "emotional scar tissue".

This is the dilemma of dealing with personality disordered people. If they were purely bad/abusive, it would be easy to spot, and a natural thing to not have anything to do with them. But when you also see goodness in a person it's very confusing. 

I think it's normal to want to help people, but sadly some are beyond our help. As a mom, it's your job primarily to protect your child, to prevent him from experiencing harm. Your niece or nephew is an unknown to you, and you have no way of knowing how contact with her/him would affect your own child. So it's my opinion that your best bet is to not get involved in that.

Best wishes to you, I hope you find my opinions helpful.
 :heythere:

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notalone

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Re: Talking to son & protecting other kids
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2020, 05:44:36 PM »
As far as protecting your son in case of future contact with father, my answer is incomplete. I think part of preparing him would be for him to be in healthy relationships with you and others as much as possible. Then he will be able to spot "unhealthy" more clearly.

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Marian82

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Re: Talking to son & protecting other kids
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2020, 09:30:28 PM »
Thanks!

I like your advice, it is very helpful. First thing is, indeed, my kid's safety.

I think the part that you added is wise too. I try my best. I do think me having c-ptsd influences him in all sorts of ways and my own foo is somewhat messed up too. But my son does have several healthy relationships and i try to make ours as healthy as possible in these circumstances.

Afaik son has been through a few difficult things, but not abuse. He has way better boundaries and self-esteem than i had at that age, which im happy about. So i hope this will be okay. 
« Last Edit: September 04, 2020, 09:56:58 PM by Marian82 »