Need to talk

[Bounty]

This may seem silly to some and I'm sorry if I waste your time reading this post.

I was just reading a bed time story to my daughter, a book I must have read many times before however tonight was different.
As I was reading it I started to get very emotional and I then had a flashback to being at college where we had to read in front of our peers and bring a book to life as if reading to children (I trained as a nursery nurse). I felt the humiliation of the situation and how I was told by many of my peers I couldn't do certain books, I remember my peers whispering to each other when I was doing my chosen book and how being so vulnerable in front of everyone was so difficult. All my life I feel like I have been bullied and right now I feel like I need to run away as I feel ashamed of myself.

I'm scared of having to read a book to the children at work in front of my colleagues in case the same thing happens and I will be a laughing stock at work.

[Not Alone]

Not silly at all. That sounds really humiliating and hurtful. It makes sense that you had that flashback when you read the book to your daughter. I know the feeling of humiliation. It is awful.

[Bounty]

Thank you for your reply, some of the flashbacks I have seem to be of trivial things and not just the main trauma of R***. I sometimes think others would say I'm pathetic to be affected by something like I mentioned, it may not seem a big thing but when it follows 6 years of bullying at school and made to do things of a sexual nature with boys it then becomes a big thing I guess.

[Not Alone]

If it impacted you, it's a big thing.

[Bounty]

Thank you for making me feel validated, a lot of the time I feel like I shouldn't be suffering the way I am as people have had it much worse. It often feels like my mind is against me and there is just no escape.

[rainydiary]

Your experience resonates with me.  I did a course on teaching yoga to children this year and the teachers of the training kept making comments to me about how I need to have and use more energy.  There was also one day where we pretended to act like little kids while we taught each other.  This was a terrible experience to me because adults acting like kids are way worse than kids actually are...and then to be criticized for how I handled it made me so upset and hate the rest of the training. 

I've worked with children for a decade now and find that my quiet style suits many.  I will never be every child's person but I also don't think I need to be something I'm not.  I've struggled my whole life with being told I am "bad" and a mistake. 

Your experience matters and I am sorry that you felt this way.  Thank you for sharing as it gave me space to remember this experience and share it because I haven't had the chance to tell anyone.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your reply, some of the flashbacks I have seem to be of trivial things and not just the main trauma of R***. I sometimes think others would say I'm pathetic to be affected by something like I mentioned, it may not seem a big thing but when it follows 6 years of bullying at school and made to do things of a sexual nature with boys it then becomes a big thing I guess.

Hello Bounty,

It's quite common it seems for us to discount what seems to be a more trivial trauma. Quite a lot of mbrs on here do it about their own trauma but never about other people's! I do it too. I know it stems at least partially from often having our injuries compared to others' and how much other people's lives were worse than our own when we were growing up. That's often done by the very people who hurt us.

However whatever the trauma was, it was a situation which felt inescapable, overpowering and very dangerous. There's no point in comparing. Trauma is trauma. But I'm glad you wrote about it   It's good to get it out of your system and hopefully get some validation on here.

I get triggers in all sorts of strange and minor-seeming situations.