stress has turned into distress

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sanmagic7

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Re: stress has turned into distress
« Reply #15 on: September 15, 2020, 05:52:45 PM »
b_c thanks for the well wishes.  i know it'll work out somehow!   :hug:

very sad today, have been leaking tears on and off for 2 days.  both my d and i are spent. at least the air is clean enough to breathe now, and it rained during the night, so hopefully that helped some of the fires closer to us. i just feel so bad for those people.  devastating.  inland, the air is still unbreathable, but i don't know how far the rain reached.  on the coast, we usually get more on a general basis.  one good thing is the hospital emergency room finally was able to open yesterday.  too much smoke for anything on that side of town to function.  what a living nightmare.

still haven't heard from the loan company, except that they sent the credit scores they will be using.  it feels like we're sitting on a fault line, not knowing whether we're going to be pulled under or the ground will stay stable.  where's superman when we need him?

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owl25

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Re: stress has turned into distress
« Reply #16 on: September 16, 2020, 12:24:51 AM »
I cannot imagine what all of this must be like for you, san. I am so sorry that all of this came on top of everything else that was already so incredibly overwhelming. I am glad you breathe the air again.  :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: stress has turned into distress
« Reply #17 on: September 16, 2020, 02:21:00 PM »
thanks, owl.  i hope you never have to imagine it, either. :hug:

last nite something on the news disturbed me badly. i think i'm incredibly furious and disgusted about it, but it's like i can't acknowledge it - there's already too much i'm holding back.  can't afford to let this dam break right now.  it made me have a hard time falling asleep, tho. 

i've started my next book, just trying to distract myself, i think.  it's more of a mystical, magical story based on mexican folklore, but set into a newsroom. i think what i heard on the news last nite tapped into the gist of my story, too.  too many things are infuriating that go on behind closed doors.   i guess this is taking me back to my activist days volunteering for domestic violence victims.

and, i'm blathering.  that's how much i'm distracting myself.  don't even want to write about my feelings here.  someone asked if how i'm coping or what i'm feeling is c-ptsd based.  yep.  sure is.  i can feel the disturbance in my innards, but can't bring it up.  don't know how much of that may be alexithymia, either, but i guess that doesn't matter.  it's still there, i'm still holding it in, still afraid that if it cracks even a tiny bit, i will explode little pieces of me all over and won't have the energy to pick them up, put them together again.  i just want to cry, but the tears won't come.

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Blueberry

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Re: stress has turned into distress
« Reply #18 on: September 16, 2020, 10:27:36 PM »
 :bighug: :bighug: Come sit on the Porch if you like and just be. Distracting yourself or not, crying or not. However you are is fine.

Good on you for starting on your next book! Being able to distract yourself, especially in a constructive way, is a form of resilience in my books. But even if it doesn't seem to be constructive in itself, if it's keeping you from falling apart, it is totally legitimate and I think a different form of resilience.

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sanmagic7

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Re: stress has turned into distress
« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2020, 03:56:44 AM »
blueberry, wonderful thoughts, and, yes, i'm going to the porch, just watch the waves lap onto the shore, feel the breeze bring in fresh, clean air (ours was only moderate today, so down from the good rating we had yesterday) and no breezes to blow this crap away.  i'm just beside myself, was able to get some tears out, which was good.  no t for over a week now cuz of all the evacuations and cancellations from last week.  it's just horrible to think of what these people are going thru, and i try not to think about it but it creeps in anyway.

writing has always been beneficial for me, which is why i do so much of it here.  never thought of it as resilience, tho, just something i've done for as long as i can remember.  thanks for that, and for those warm, embracing hugs. :bighug: right back atcha, my dear.

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Kizzie

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Re: stress has turned into distress
« Reply #20 on: September 17, 2020, 01:13:15 PM »
 :bighug:  Seems like we both need the healing porch right about now   :yes: