Sligeanach's journal

[sligeanach]

Posting this so I can have posted something, there's only so long one can stare at an empty text box.

[saylor]

The words will know when (if) they're ready to flow. There's no timeline on theses things, and we'll be here if you need us

[Blueberry]

  No pressure Sligeanach!

[Not Alone]

Toe in the water. Way to go. 

[sligeanach]

Thank you all. That means so much more to me than I realized it would.

[owl25]

It takes a lot of courage. You did great

[Hope67]

Hi Sligeanach,
I agree, it takes a lot of courage. 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

It was difficult for me to get started here, too. I thought, what could I possibly have to say that's of any importance?

Finally, I started. It gets easier. And it's quite helpful to be validated and supported, as well as accepted into a group of people whole heartedly without feeling like you're an imposter or have to hide away all the ugly bits for the sake of fitting in.

It's my hope you will have the same experience here.

[sligeanach]

Thank you kind friends.

[sligeanach]

I think I'll just vent a little, if that's ok. I don't understand why I can't recover from any mistake. As soon as I've made some careless error, I just fall apart. I lose all my confidence and competence. Suddenly I'm useless, helpless, and just keep making it worse. It's saddening and frustrating.

[Three Roses]

For many of us, myself included, mistakes were an invitation to be abused emotionally, physically, and/or sexually. Mistakes caused us to be laughed at, bullied and rejected.

Mistakes can prompt a return to that same emotional state we experienced when we were helpless. It's possible you are experiencing an EF or emotional flashback. Here's something to read by Pete Walker, someone who is frequently referenced here - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Hope this helps. You're not alone, I hate making mistakes.

[gravity]

I understand completely what you mean, and Three Roses said it pretty well.  I also suffer from this.  You're not alone.

Offering a supportive hug if that's okay.  If not, it's okay to to not accept it.

[sligeanach]

Thank you Three Roses for sharing the link to Pete Walker. It's taken many days for me to bring myself to read it, and I suspect it will take many days for me to be ready to work with the tools he offers. Thank you Gravity for the kindness of your offer and the compassionate way you respected boundaries and vulnerabilities.

[sligeanach]

TW?
Well. I've eaten all the m&ms I gave myself to strengthen me to face this. Nothing personal to the kind people who have replied, nor the 200(?) others who have viewed my basically saying nothing. What does 243 views mean? Does it count each time I open this up to almost make an entry? I digress. I'm stalling. I'm only posting on mobile, and that makes it less real and serious, safer almost safer somehow. Which is probably silly, why would that be safer? This isn't what I was going to write about. I should delete it, I should post it anyway. I'm not saying anything, I'm exposing myself somehow, I'm trying to get attention, I'm always trying to be looked at, and never ever seen. To * with it, I should keep going, if I write enough, I can hide in a wall of text, and nobody reads a wall of text anymore, everything is TL:DR
heh heh the preview shows a star, an asterisk actually, H E double hockey sticks. I was just thinking I should have put TW at the beginning just in case, I don't know maybe. I'll put it with a question mark.
Ok here's the thing: nothing bad is happening, not compared to what I have been. I'm watching over my shoulder if I think about it, because I haven't had an episode. There I've said it. It's terrifying, like it will get me, like maybe it overlooked me somehow, and if I don't say anything, it won't notice, like not saying the devil's name aloud, like using a euphemism like Old Nick, like using an asterisk in place of... Well, you know.

Risky. A space. That breaks the wall of text. Suddenly I'm visible.

Another one. Here I am poking my head out of my shell. Sticking my neck out to get my head chopped off.

Now. It's this too. Didn't even dissociate just this night, felt the pull, the memory of it, but here I still am. But who is it that is me?

Nobody, nearly nobody. Working and working to be looked at but not seen, to be whoever it looked like I was supposed to be.

Only one woman knows me, and I even hide from her sometimes, many times. But she took me back, compassion and love, forgiveness, even after everything.

But now to find the strength, the will for more. Up or down? No plateau, all is flow, shrink or grow.

Not what I imagined when I spent an hour pretending in my mind that I was journaling here. So clear, so composed, but this?

It's what I have. What else I have to work with? At least it's something real.

[marta1234]

Sligeanach, I wanted to come by and tell you, thank you for sharing your thoughts in your journal to us. I know it's very scary at first to try to be open and vulnerable on this forum, when numbers like views and unknown members feel scary.
I also wanted to add that posting through mobile as a safer option does not feel silly at all. In any case, sending support your way and a hug (if it's ok).  I know how terrifying waiting for some bad flashback can be, although you might be talking about something else. Whatever the case, I wanted to tell you that we hear you. I hear you. And I believe you.