One day at a time

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Windflower

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One day at a time
« on: November 12, 2020, 03:55:43 PM »
Feeling very discouraged today. I found three supplements that I thought were helping my response to triggers. I felt real relief for the first time in years for a few days. Then numb, which is still better than the pain. But today itís worn off no matter how high a dose I take. Itís discouraging that nothing seems to help in the long term. And that I went so far as to tell my best friend (and primary support) that I was doing better. Now I feel like a liar and Iím afraid to tell her itís bad again.

I want to scream and cry but I canít until after work and that just makes it worse.

I just want relief. Not even complete just enough that I can manage basic things like seeing friends and work.

Itís a hard day.
« Last Edit: November 15, 2020, 05:06:40 PM by Kizzie »

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woodsgnome

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Re: One day at a time
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2020, 07:00:08 PM »
I feel badly for that turn of events, Windflower. While it's unfortunate the initial good vibes of the supplement faded, it's also encouraging to note that it was there, for however long and for whatever reason. Meaning -- there are good things, too. It just often takes longer than we wish it would.

I've had many awful days, yet somehow find ways to stay with building up what was a shaky foundation. It just can be so slow, so repetitive, and sometimes almost entirely discouraging.

It won't be this bad everyday -- as you recently experienced, there are at least moments when the light seems to still be there. There's always a light that somehow can find its way through.  :hug:

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Windflower

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Re: One day at a time
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2020, 08:52:47 PM »
A very apt reminder, thank you woodsgnome.

Itís a better day today. Fighting the anxiety that by saying itís a good day itís all gonna go to * soon but Iím trying to learn to take things a day and hour at a time. To not allow myself to be conceited enough to think that Iím completely a victim with no choices at all.

Maybe I canít choose my symptoms, the severity, my memories, my triggers. But I can choose to allow it to be what it is. To dwell on the good when it happens and not run from the bad, awful as it is.

So today I felt really good for a whole hour! Watched a favorite show (supernatural anyone?) and was able to actually laugh out loud. Usually struggle to have enough energy to outwardly laugh even if I internally register something as hilarious.

I do think taking 5HTP daily is doing something positive in my brain. Itís gradual, but a steady change when I pair it with ashwaganda and other potent herbs. It hasnít lessened the pain Iím in, but rather given me strength to maintain some control (not in a bad obsessive way). To not cry quite so easily. To withstand the self destructive urges til they pass. To focus my thoughts on true things.

Iíve also started writing songs as a way to express what happened to me as a child. Iíve tried writing my story hundreds of times but itís always too triggering or just not expressive enough. But writing songs has actually been a helpful thing because then I can sing them with all the passion I feel inside and get it out. Itís a way to scream without freaking out my neighbors.

Iíve also found myself getting angry more easily. And that is the best thing ever. Iíve always been so afraid of becoming bitter (like I used to be) that I just shut down and couldnít get really mad ever. Mildly irritated but no anger. And let me tell you - as opposed to the weakening effects of bitterness - anger is empowering and clarifying. My new favorite quote: ďBitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.Ē - Maya Angelou

So maybe my life isnít gonna become some kind of normal. Maybe I wonít be cured. But maybe thatís ok and Iím strong for how Iím taking responsibility for what I should and learning to let the hard stuff be. And because I can take something healthy that actually makes a difference.

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sanmagic7

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Re: One day at a time
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2020, 03:11:38 PM »
maybe that's ok, indeed, windflower.  i think so.  there's no way of predicting how we'll be from one day/hour to the next.  i think acknowledging and accepting that is a lovely step to take on our roads of healing.  sending love and hugs (if that's ok) :hug:

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woodsgnome

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Re: One day at a time
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2020, 11:55:27 PM »
Along the lines of how the light finds us, and why even on the worst of days it might help, I found this quote by former astronaut Eugene Cernak: "...ďthere is only light if sunlight has something to shine on. When the sun shines through space, itís black. The light must have something to strike.Ē

Instantly I thought of how this relates so well to times when it seems bleak, and all is darkness, but that the light can still find us through it all.

I hope this finds you well and living in what light that is shining through; or will.  :sunny:

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Windflower

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Re: One day at a time
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2020, 02:06:48 AM »
So true. Itís such a rollercoaster and not fighting that is hard but not impossible.

Love that quote! Very interesting and applicable.

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Windflower

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Re: One day at a time
« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2020, 02:34:42 AM »
Iím crashing again real bad. Managing not to self injure but I am absolutely wrecked. I didnít sleep more than 20 minutes at a time for 3 weeks and now my brain just shuts down so I have to but the nightmares are so bad (have been for 7 years) that Iím really shaken up. I am so used to them I can externally roll with it and get up and fire myself up for the day but the images are so vivid and awful and right there in my head all the time. Feels like my eyes are seared I walk around all day and canít even open my eyes all the way theyíre so puffy. Iím so disoriented on awakening at 2 am I could easily hurt myself to just get it to stop. Been there done that. I take a lot of supplements for anxiety, insomnia and depression related symptoms but nothing - including journaling them and positive behaviors before bed - helps in the least. Itís very discouraging and I find myself very lonely. Not to be a sap but man Iíd kill for somebody to sit with me after them. Itís the child in me that never had anyone to sit with me when the real life nightmares happened as I grew up I guess. Iím just fried.