More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

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rainydiary

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #285 on: October 31, 2020, 01:24:50 AM »
Thank you for sharing your ideas and plans.  I love your passion and appreciate you using your language skills to give people access to important information in their language.   :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #286 on: October 31, 2020, 04:44:54 PM »
you know, blueberry, that sounds like such a positive look at a lockdown - almost as if it gives some people permission to focus on what's important for their lives because the social distractions are taken away.  very interesting, and, i think, a very healthy way to deal with it.  well done! :thumbup:

as far as your translating gig goes, it seems to me that every little step you take in learning about it is increased information for you, which makes it something that broadens your perspective in that particular field.  that's how you're able to decide if it's a good fit for you or not, right?

sending love and a hug filled with continuing education, no matter what form it may take. :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #287 on: November 01, 2020, 10:41:18 PM »
Thank you san  :hug: :)
_______________________________

I had a really good day today. I booked the cargo bike and cycled all over the place (well, to 3 different towns/villages) collecting various things and dropping others off. Apart from having more space, the thing about the cargo bike as opposed to my normal bike is that it has some battery power which I use to help me get up hills ;D. I often have the power off when on the flat and of course when going downhill. Lots of people I know have e-bikes and I'm really thinking that it would be good for me in many ways to get one too. Probably second-hand. I did put my name in for a draw but chances are I won't win.

One of the reasons I think getting an e-bike would be good is having one would really increase the distance I'm capable of cycling and it would really increase the number of occasions on which I cycle. Cycling really works as an anti-depressant for me - that was the case way back when I was a teenager too, but I'm older now and strenuous exercise of any type tends to be triggering for me, which doesn't surprise me. Most people when they don't have the wherewithal or the energy to cycle somewhere can hop in a car. I can't because I have neither car nor driving license. Me not having a driving license and not daring to drive has a lot to do with FOO. After telling me and showing me for years that i was incapable of most things, in fact a total failure and disappointment, FOO tried to tell me reasons why I would certainly be capable of learning to drive a car. Basically being able to downhill ski and being able to cycle the streets - both activities involving arm and leg coordination and some amount of spatial what-not - would ensure that I could learn to drive. These words, this cognitive stuff didn't help at all. It was a bit late for FOO to start trying to repair the damage they'd done. Anyway, they wouldn't even have seen it that way.

So, anyway, if I had an e-bike it would mean I would be being less hard on myself. This being hard on myself developed back in my teens. I wanted to avoid all the sighing that went on about how inconvenient it was that I couldn't drive, so I walked and cycled huge distances so as not to be a burden on FOO, so that they wouldn't have to collect me from anywhere. The other thing that developed either back then or a bit later was the idea that every time I turned the pedals, I was getting rid of a tiny bit of fat. Although I no longer consciously think that while cycling, this not allowing myself any physical support is connected to that. I can't cycle with groups of people any more because the others are either physically really fit or they have e-bikes. I live in a hilly area and I simply cannot keep up. Anyway, whether or not that makes sense to anybody, I know that something has shifted in my thoughts and feelings today :thumbup: :)

The good thing today was simply having a fun cycle on roads or bike paths I used to cycle on before I got so ill about 20 years ago, and being outside in the fresh air, even though it was raining a bit some of the time, but still the autumnal colours and then lots of windfall apples all over the place. I stopped to collect a few crabapples which are rare here, so that was nice too. I also got rid of some stuff (the things I dropped off for somebody who can use them). I do feel tired, but pleasantly tired. If I hadn't decided to book the cargo bike and go and deliver/collect various items, I might have just hung out on the sofa today, especially since rain was forecast all day. In actual fact it didn't rain that much today.

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sanmagic7

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #288 on: November 01, 2020, 10:57:48 PM »
except for the parts that FOO interfered with re: your confidence, i found this a heartening story.  thanks for sharing.  love it, love you :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #289 on: November 03, 2020, 04:14:43 PM »
Heartening? Well -  :) :) :) :thumbup: :cheer:

except for the parts that FOO interfered with re: your confidence,
No, those parts aren't too heartening. But I'm making progress there too because I was able to write all that down as 'facts of the past' but without flashing back to anything or feeling as if I was or am any of those things FOO used to say. This is pretty big progress because those untrue things they said about me - I used to feel them right into the marrow of my bones, as an integral part of myself. Today and on Nov. 1, I was able to think - that's just what FOO said, it isn't true.

________________________________
The mother of one of my students cancelled for her today. It's my student who is traumatised - relational trauma - and not able to find a T. There is only one around here for children and adolescents and I assume that it wasn't a good fit.  There is no contact to the abuser any more, the mother made sure of that, but as we all know that doesn't make the damage go away. So today I feel sad for my student who is going into such a state of panic about having failed a big math test (during a year of very important exams, of at least medium-term importance, though to school students they often seem like long-term importance). I'm remembering back to my time at school when failing a test could seem like a huge deal, exacerbated because in some years school was all I had - it was the only thing I was interested in, I didn't have enough self-confidence left to do any hobbies. In other years, I didn't panic like my student, I'd completely given up. Failed another math exam? Oh, well. I guess I'm a ... (I won't repeat it because it's the kind of thing FOO told me - see above - and it's not true!).

But I also remember now that I can't help my student beyond the subject I help her in and beyond the ways in which I automatically do by simply tutoring the way I do that - removing the pressure and by quite simply caring and thinking how best to help this student academically. It shows. The mother has noticed and commented on it gratefully.

The mother offered to pay for today anyway due to cancellation at such short notice, which I really appreciate because I've been generous in the past towards the family over cancelled lessons, and also gave the mother some information on trauma T - lists she may not have and that kind of thing. So I am going to accept the payment for today.

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Blueberry

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #290 on: November 05, 2020, 11:42:53 AM »
I love your passion and appreciate you using your language skills to give people access to important information in their language.   
Thank you for saying both these things, rainydiary! The latter is maybe not the best way to make money, but it seems to be my thing to want to do work that's actually useful imo. To do work that doesn't go against the grain, to do work that I can identify with and for which I have a passion.

I don't think anybody has ever given me the word 'passion' before to describe me and what I do. I used to think I was aggressive (because people said I was verbally aggressive) until I realised that 'aggression' was sometimes just vehemence and now that's turned into passion, maybe? Or maybe it really is a different thing. Anyway thinking about passion reminded me of my brainwave about how my so-called aggression wasn't necessarily that at all. 

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Blueberry

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #291 on: November 08, 2020, 08:45:28 PM »
I see now that the title of this Journal is no longer apt. I'm no longer pushing myself to take more concrete steps or do more therapy homework. The steps are coming on their own and as for practising tools - I am usually able to implement things like Screen Processing as required in a few seconds. Often I don't seem to need it as much any more. Same goes for EFT. So now I'll see what appropriate title might make itself known to me in the next few days or so.

On Saturday I reheated and ate my soup without noticing it had gone off. Food-poisoning made for a very bad weekend. I did almost nothing of what I had intended obviously. I was way too weak. I cleaned out my pets' living quarters. That was it. I now feel emotionally weaker and am not sure if I want to take part in the local business owners' Christmas + post-Covid sales revival after all. The fact that I was even considering that was a huge step forward.

My new decals are in my windows. My business looks much, much better from the outside. Of course there hasn't been a huge surge in enquiries yet which feels slightly disappointing. Feels. It's not realisitic to expect it. Considering my bout of food poisoning it's good that there have been no additional enquiries. The decals have only been up since Thursday anyway. This is Sunday.

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notalone

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #292 on: November 09, 2020, 01:24:29 AM »
So sorry you had food poisoning.  :'(

Good progress on your business.

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Blueberry

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #293 on: November 09, 2020, 10:09:02 AM »
Thank you notalone.  :hug:

______________________________________
This morning I have so far managed to have a shower and hairwash, a huge deal for me. :cheer:  Though now I do feel weak and tired again.
I woke up thinking I'd finally write those 2 emails I need to to LL. So maybe I will do that later. Last week in T we discussed lowering the bar by me writing a first draft and if necessary further drafts rather than the final email from get-go. Then it occurred to me that what I probably need to do is write a Non-sender email first, the way we do Recovery Letters on here, just in order to get all my anger out and be able to say all what happened. A long discourse won't be read so there's no point sending it, but writing it for me, oh yes.

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Blueberry

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #294 on: November 10, 2020, 05:42:26 PM »
I haven't got any further with the letters/emails to LL, but I have been moving forwards in other areas, e.g. this afternoon the final part of my business advertising :cheer:   I did some small bits and pieces earlier in the day too like some cleaning and emails, but the advertising is a biggish project for me.

I have been granted another bout of therapy. It is 'only' 16 sessions, not 20 or 40 the way it used to be, but it is still great! :cheer: I don't need so much as I used to anyway.

The solution for what to do with an email from F has come clear: reiterate that I'm not accepting phone calls!

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notalone

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #295 on: November 11, 2020, 02:23:40 AM »
The solution for what to do with an email from F has come clear: reiterate that I'm not accepting phone calls!

Good for you!  :cheer:

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Blueberry

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #296 on: November 11, 2020, 10:04:31 AM »
Thanks, notalone! It's so easy, right? But as you undoubtedly know after decades of an ICr saying all sorts of things that I won't even bother repeating here it takes a while for that kind of resolution to float to the surface. That's one reason why I don't allow phone calls.

_____________________________________
Maybe I'll call my new Journal Moving Forwards. That's what I'm most certainly doing now without having to remind myself to take concrete steps etc.

I did have some trouble getting up this morning, but once I did I started getting on with various smallish things. I was also in the garden for a while picking bits of food for my pets and also pulling up various plants of which there are just too many in some of my beds, e.g. strawberries. They run wild if you let them and mine have. Then they just produce the smallest of small berries, just a taste on your tongue. Also mint has run wild and some other herbs. I've given some of the roots away. This is the sort of thing I used to not be able to do for reasons I can't really fathom.

There's a study in my country on Universal Basic Income. The deadline for entering was yesterday and the draw is tomorrow. I'd been thinking the draw was yesterday too, so I still have a chance :thumbup: though admittedly very low -  1 in about 2 million. Still it's possible. And anyway even entering the draw seems to have brought about changes in my relation to money and spending it now on things I need - most of that is investment in my business which is really an investment in myself. Some of it on day-to-day items I wouldn't have considered before e.g. a couple of plastic storage bins with lids. I bought two, I could do with a third I think, so I will probably go and buy one soon. Also paying a friend to come and clean once a week.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2020, 10:19:11 AM by Blueberry »

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Blueberry

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #297 on: November 11, 2020, 05:25:56 PM »
This from the post above is making me smile, in particular the underlined part: And anyway even entering the draw seems to have brought about changes in my relation to money and spending it now on things I need - most of that is investment in my business which is really an investment in myself. It's obviously an important discovery for me.

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Blueberry

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #298 on: November 12, 2020, 11:31:56 AM »
I misread again ;)   It happens, it's a symptom in my case.
I misread the date of the draw. It isn't till January. That makes sense, they need way more time to sort through the applications, even though it was just a tiny questionnaire, no essays or detailed explanations on why you think your particular case would be interesting for the study.

Did I just write that it's a symptom in my case? I did. That's scary. Now 'everybody' will assume that I misunderstand people all the time and so that's why I have disputes with everybody. That last sentence was brought into play by my ICr. I could see my M in the picture too and the right side of my body has gone partially numb. So, feet firmly on the floor, breathe and remember that that's the sort of conclusion M and other FOO mbrs come up with, but what do they know? Really! What do they know? Next to nothing. What do I know? Far, far more. I even know that I don't misread in general or misunderstand in general. I sometimes get numbers mixed. 12.11. and 12.01. look similar at a glance. 12.11.2020 does look a little more different than 12.01.2021 but I probably didn't even read as far as the year. Maybe I was tired and not concentrating well when I read the date. I do have phases when doing number-related tasks e.g. putting my bank statements in the correct order in their file is pretty near impossible. I used to do it anyway, expending huge amounts of energy but when I checked the file again when feeling better, the new bank statements were all in the wrong order. That's the kind of thing I mix up. So not what my ICr. was suggesting or FOO thinking. I don't generally misunderstand words, I'm not stupid. FOO comes to these conclusions for their own skewed purposes, so they can put me down and feel good about themselves. And so I remain in my position of 'dumb, incapable, a burden...'. Anybody in my FOO who is deemed dumb is a burden per definition. I did come to the conclusion a while ago - after the mother of my childhood friend died - that the people in my FOO are just not very nice people. This 'dumb people are a burden' is an example of that.

I need some para breaks in there but i'm not capable of deciding where atm. On the plus side the numbing has gone away mostly - just my upper lip and nose feel a bit strange. But right side numbing has gone and so has very low lower back.

***TW CSA***

Very low lower back numbing is connected to sexualised punishments. Mostly when I stand up for myself in FOO even if miles and miles away just on paper or here on OOTs or in T, I numb physically a little or sometimes way more. While explaining this, I'm back to numbing and/or pins and needles in most of my body. I did get up and walk around for a bit, which helped, it's grounding.

***End TW***

So when this numbing comes, it just shows me how big the fear really is and what a huge barrier I have to surmount. In fact, this numbing and even a concrete fear used to come when any figures of authority were in the room e.g. supervisor at work. Thanks FOO. Not. So even though no concrete fear comes now and I don't even physically numb, the vestiges of this fear and this particular trauma are probably what are holding me back from contacting LL about those two things. And one of them is a simple request for crying out loud! I'd like my own compost bin, which I will pay for!! But tenants need their ll to agree to it before the municipal waste management board will accept.

Who would have thought there'd be so much stuck behind a simple misreading?

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Hope67

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Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« Reply #299 on: November 20, 2020, 07:10:34 PM »
Hi Blueberry,
I read in your new journal that you didn't mind if people read the conclusion of this last one and commented, and that's why I came here, to read and see what you'd written.  I do want to comment, as you mentioned numbing in your body and what it means.  I also experience numbing and pins and needles, often just in one side of the body, and I've noticed it happens when I am connecting with younger parts of myself - particularly at night. 

I haven't completely worked out what it means for me, but I notice that you've mentioned moving around and walking, and that you find that to be grounding. 

You wrote "So when this numbing comes, it just shows me how big the fear really is and what a huge barrier I have to surmount"

I'm finding I'm dissociating a bit now, and losing my track of thought - so apologies, I hope you don't mind my writing this here. 

I'll write something in your new journal in a moment, as I want to say how much I appreciate what you write.  Wishing you the best with your new journal. 
Hope  :)