Sligeanach's journal

[Armee]

It sounds like great progress, to me!  My first step was knowing I dissociate, then recognizing when I am dissociating, then recognizing the telltale signs it is happening, then recognizing them earlier, then learning tricks to get out of it faster, then learning to recognize it before it happens so I have a chance to stop it. When it happens I have to do something. I have to fight to be present. But I also have to accept it. Panicking that it is happening makes it worse.

Good luck. It's a long process of learning and mindfulness.

[sligeanach]

Thanks Armee. That's such a clear description of the process!

It's been pointed out to me that when I'm dissociated (as I still am) I don't pause in my speaking with anyone. There's no intake of the other person's ideas, hardly any intake of breath!

So I think a useful tool for me would be to practice a pause-breath technique of some kind. Maybe it'd give me, the real me, a chance to hear what's being said and respond whole-heartedly

[Armee]

That's a good idea. Maybe even write it on paper and keep it with you. I cant remember what I'm supposed to do when it happens.

[sligeanach]

Or maybe some kind of token or totem of some kind. Something i can hold onto to help me stay here

[Armee]

Yeah. For awhile I had a list of could grab, on my phone....

Tell spouse
Pet dog
Throw ball
Run
Stomp feet
Watch something funny
Smash a rock

[sligeanach]

I don't want to be "a victim" anymore

The evil I've done and the good I've failed to do, all stem from "I am a victim"

I've nurtured it, treasured it, snuggled up in it, in this identity, this "I am a victim"

No wonder I don't progress in healing, don't find therapy. I don't really want to: it would run counter to "I am a victim"

I would cease to be the only me I can remember being.

All my supposed helplessness and weakness, everything I hate about myself, is all because "I am a victim"

I don't want to be "a victim" anymore. I want to be "a person who was victimized"

I want to be a "person" instead of a "victim"

At least that's what I'm telling myself

[Armee]

I want you to see yourself as a person, too, Sligenach. You do deserve more life and healing and freedom. I am so sorry you were victimized. You never deserved that. 

[sligeanach]

Thank you Armee.

What's even worse is I've allowed it to continue, to be passed on: intergenerational victimization.

[sligeanach]

I've a thought, or am developing a notion about helping and power:

The idea integrated into my biases, prejudices, assumptions

That there are helpers and helpees. That those who have and give also have power over those in need.

It's transactional.

The feeling I have when I need help

The feeling I have when I'm helping

It's about power, control.

It's still a notion, a suspicion, a nascent idea.

But what if the energy of giving, helping, generosity was independent of the little self?

What if it was a continuum of assistance, passed from hand to hand?

[Armee]

 

You've done the very best you can Sligenach.


What if it was a continuum of assistance, passed from hand to hand?

I like thinking of help this way too and remind friends that when they accept or ask for help it makes it also easier for me amd others to ask for help when I/they need it, and most of us like giving help to others. That is transactional I guess, but we all need help and if none of us is comfortable asking or receiving than that cycle of going it alone continues and then when someone needs help they think: "i should be able to handle this alone...look what so and so went through...she didn't need help what's wrong with me" etc.

But definitely there can be a power imbalance.

[sligeanach]

Thanks Armee. I think it's important to remember that I cannot see and know another's life, not really. I see my version of it.

[Alter-eg0]

An interesting concept.

My N dad brought me up with the notion of the "emotional bank account", and basically taught me that everything is a transaction. Which to him, it was. To me, it resulted in me feeling guilty for virtually everything. It took me a long time to start letting that go, and i'm still not quite there. It still baffles me when someone says: "please let me help you, it actually makes me feel happy to be able to do something for you", or something of the sort. I mean, I even felt guilty when helping someone, because I was worried that they would feel like they were in debt to me.

Seeing it as a continuum, is a different way of seeing it, and I quite like the idea.

[sligeanach]

Glad i could help *wink*

[sligeanach]

Seriously, though Alter-eg0, it's something I'm working on. The idea of removing the, well, the ego (alter or otherwise) out of the whole thing. Just to let Loving-Kindness flow from hand to hand. Freely.

[sligeanach]

Ok, so here we are at the precipice. It's now midway between Yule and Xmas