Sligeanach's journal

[sligeanach]

On second thought, no it's a perceived fracturing of the self.
What's a person? A persona. The self inhabiting a persona, and only knowing what it is in relation to others; knowing it only exists in relation to others

You can't see your own face

It's not a fracturing of the person, rather a creation of a new person, in reaction to others, and it remains after those others are gone

Misidentified as the self

[sligeanach]

I cannot draw a sphere. I can draw a circle, I can add shading.
But I have not drawn a sphere. I have drawn an illusion of a sphere.

I can present it to another, and they say, "oh you've drawn s sphere"

Then I am deceived, if I so choose. We agree, "here is a drawing of a sphere."

But it is not a sphere. It is a circle, with shading.

[sligeanach]

It occurs to me, with a kind of sudden start, that I've not been thinking about being "this guy" my true self, for some hours. Perhaps I've been false all day. But then, at work it's easy to be the work self. The test is when I go home. Can I be myself, my true self, or will I be a fear-driven mimic of someone else?

Will I choose vulnerability? Will I recognize the fear for what it is?
Will I remember that no pain can extinguish myself?

[sligeanach]

I've to do two related commitments: renounce all violence, and expand my definition of violence.

Neglect is violence, lack of empathy is violence

Interrupting, not listening is violence

Any tiny amount of violence is is on the spectrum of violence, and subtle violence is damaging as overt violence, even increasing the possibility of it, one violence layering onto another

Renunciation of subtle violence, against myself and others, is the only assurance of preventing overt violence

[sligeanach]

I have copied by hand the entirety of the needs and feelings inventories from cnvc.org

It was difficult to begin, and difficult to continue

I copied it into a notebook, writing back to front, first the needs, then the feelings when needs are met, then the feelings when needs are not met

The result is that my first page begins with

Feeling (this is the header)

Vulnerable
Fragile
Guarded
Helpless
Insecure

and so on
An unexpectedly appropriate place for my first page to begin

Copying, I knew there was a section of needs that I was likely to omit entirely, needs I have inhibition against. Checking my work, I was unsurprised to discover I had not seen the entire section. So I then copied it. As I was writing back-to-front, this most difficult section of needs is now listed first.

I noticed that many if not most of the needs were difficult to write, and the feelings when needs were met were also difficult
But that the feelings when needs were not met were much easier, either comfortable familiar as it were, or arousing a subdued echo of them in me

I think it would be helpful to study these lists, perhaps commit them memory, and possibly copy them again. Maybe onto index cards, to have them on hand as focusing/reminding tools when talking to myself and others

[sligeanach]

Pushing through contacting psychiatrists, just email and webforms. Cold calling is still too much to ask

[sligeanach]

And also a regular therapist

[CactusFlower]

Wishing you gentle hugs and support. Finding the right person/people to work with can be very overwhelming at times. Here's hoping you find a good one that you can work with.

[Armee]

Cold calling for a therapist was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

[sligeanach]

Well, I met with a therapist.

Thank you Cactus Flower and Armee for your kindness and sympathy :-)


Didn't hate him, so he's a maybe. Deciding not to latch onto the first one I meet, I've done that before, out of desperation.

Intriguing suggestion from him: walking therapy sessions. I'm open to the idea, not straight away, but as the weather improves, it could have value. He mentioned bilateral... something, I forget what. And allowing for the flight response. Considering how I've paced or lept up with past therapists, walking could be good for me.

[paul72]

Congratulations sligenach
That sounds pretty awesome.
Really intriguing suggestion... I like the sounds of it too... as a fellow pacer
Best of luck with your therapist!

[CactusFlower]

Bilateral stimulation? EMDR uses that, it's anything crossing the body in a rhythmic way. I could totally see walking being useful, there's even walking meditation. (like when people walk in those circular labyrinth patterns) Our trauma has affected our bodies and it could be a kind of somatic therapy, a physical thing to use. I hope it's something that helps you.

[Hope67]

Hi Sligeanach,
Glad to hear that you met a therapist who gave some suggestions, and that you're considering them.   I hope it works out ok.  I admire your caution too, I think it's wise to take things at a pace that feels ok for you.  I like the sound of the walking meditation as well.
Hope 

[Armee]

Hi Sligenach

Caution makes sense, given your history. I'm really glad you are reaching out for assistance too.

I will share I hope its ok a bit about my own therapy.

I've been with my T for 3 years and a few months as my personal T, but he also worked with my son for 6 months before that and me and my husband off and on as part of that. Before COVID we met in his office. My progress was pretty slow and I dissociated pretty much the whole time because anytime things became too much - and frankly just walking into an office is too much - there was no way to escape it except to dissociate.

After COVID hit, he left his group practice and started seeing clients on trails (or over zoom if that was preferred). This is when my therapy really took off. Being outside, moving, having distractions, the whole pace...everything about nature or walking therapy...allowed me to sometimes have a choice other than only dissociating.

If I had to tell him something difficult we'd just walk until I could speak. Sometimes I'd make him walk in front of me. Sometimes he'd stop and my reaction just to that would be very telling. Sometimes when I'd dissociate he would instruct me to pick up a clump of dirt and let it fall through my hands or touch the bark of a tree or point out a hawk in the sky. Sometimes it would help ground me and get me back. I've made very difficult disclosures during walking therapy. We've done EMDR after walking to private benches or picnic tables. I would not ever want to go back to therapy in an office.

Many therapists seem afraid of doing therapy outside. If you have someone who is willing and comfortable doing that you also found someone who is not rigid and that seems like a really important trait in a therapist for us with cPTSD.

[sligeanach]

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