Sligeanach's journal

[Not Alone]

Only one woman knows me, and I even hide from her sometimes, many times. But she took me back, compassion and love, forgiveness, even after everything.

To be seen can be scary and even dangerous. To be attuned to by someone safe----life giving. (That is what I thought when I read your post.)

[sligeanach]

Thank you marta. Sometimes I feel so alone. I don't have any friends at all, and I'm sure that's a bad sign, but I just can't trust anyone enough to let them see me, with one exception.

[sligeanach]

People stop by and say kind words here. I wish I was doing that, but I don't know what to say in other journals. And sometimes they're hard to read.
I wish I could give more, be better.

I'm still here, no episodes, but I'm always afraid, always hiding panic... And not always successfully. Reacting without thinking, avoiding decisions,

[sligeanach]

They call it flooding, but it's not flooding. Flooding is submerged, submersive. You can move through water, tread water, swim up and out.

It's not a wave, it's a dune. Not water, but sand. Immobilizing, entombing.

[sligeanach]

How am I to heal, when reading about a symptom triggers the symptom?

Thanksgiving went well, very well in fact. Perhaps the best ever. No episode, and the family came together. But after, I could not connect with my one and only. I disengaged, and went to put away the leftover turkey, when it was time to connect and together decide how we would spend our evening, now that the family activity was done.

She tried to connect with me, but I was unavailable emotionally, and then couldn't find the way forward to connect. And then she left, there was nothing she could do.

So I looked for Gottman's Seven Principles on my Library's website, and borrowed the ebook, and got as far as the description of stonewalling and flooding.

And then felt the overwhelm.

And I remembered now, that this was exactly where I stalled before, that I dissociated the last time.

So I reread the Walker page on flashback management, and tried to practice square breathing, and thought of the Litany Against Fear, and posted to my journal.

[sligeanach]

I can feel the sand in my lungs, burning at the edges of my nerves.

These tools, these few and precious tools to keep me here and now, feel so weak against the lifetime of habitual escape.

I'm not trying to emerge from it, nor exhume myself, it's neither water nor earth. It is sand. Micah and Silica, abrasive and asphyxiating.

Too easy to surrender to the weight of it, when every effort of extrication is is a fresh onslaught of terror, a repudiation of my nascent skills.

Fear IS the mind-killer

[sligeanach]

To be attuned to by someone safe----life giving.

She told me yesterday that I can validate myself. I want to do more than that, to be able to revitalize my self; to have something of my own life to give.

I've been zombified and vampiric, parasitic and ravenous, desperately craving the unmet needs of youth.

The hunger, the void consumes me; will devour her if she permits it. It nearly has.

[owl25]

How are you doing today, sligeanach? I can relate to the fear of being seen. It takes time to allow for it, as we need to make sure it is safe. Safety is imperative. You can dip your toe in with this, as you have been doing here. You can do it with that one person you have in your life. What notalone said - it is life giving. We are here to support you along the way. 

[sligeanach]

How are you doing today, sligeanach?

I am surviving.

Thank you for asking.

I was able to choose to set a plate down, and take deep breaths, instead of throwing it down. I will never be that person again.

I don't want to go into it. I can't right now.

I have been journaling daily beginning on December 3rd of last year. It is probably helping.

I also started on The Body Keeps the Score and From Surviving to Thriving. I got them as e-books on my phone, which has proved useful, because I can click away when they are too much to read, and then come back to them later in the day. It's the first time I've preferred a virtual book to a real one. It allows me to manage it better.

[marta1234]

Sligeanach, I wanted to pop by and send you my support. I'm sorry you've been having difficult days, I wish I could do something but sending you all my care and support  Hope you feel better in some days, and sending you a hug (if it's ok) 

[sligeanach]

Thank you Marta.

[Not Alone]

Good to hear from you. Those books were hard for me to read also.

[sligeanach]

So... It's been awhile

[Armadillo]

Hi. I'm new here. Read back a few of your posts and see you've been struggling with dissociation. Me, too. It's tough and can just suck you up without even seeing it coming. I noticed you mentioning things like square breathing when you dissociate?

Can I share what I need to get out of dissociation? I know we are all different...but I really need to move. Walk, run, throw something, jumping jacks....if I sit and try to calm myself that just feeds the shutdown. I need to get the sympathetic nervous system going. It's still not perfect...if it gets me too fast.

Welcome back, I look forward to getting to know you.

[sligeanach]

Hi Armadillo, thanks for the welcome. Kind of sounds like movement gets you back into your now-body. Is it weird that I picture you rolling really fast, like an armadillo version of Sonic the hedgehog?