Sligeanach's journal

[Armadillo]

Ha! Yeah it probably is a little weird, but funny.

[sligeanach]

Posting this so I can have posted something.

so... it's been a year since I started erratically and intermittently posting to this journal. that's all I've got for now.

[rainydiary]

It is often difficult to find the words.  Thanks for sharing what came up. 

[Armee]

 

You have pared it down to the essentials. And that coupled with your avatar makes me smile. I hope you'll come back again to say whatever you are able to.

[sligeanach]

thank you rainydiary and armee. all I can write now is that I'm stressed, and just need to express it somewhere. I have too much in my life to repair. I appreciate nobody asking me for details, I have this false idea that I have to explain and justify myself, and so it feels strange to just write that I'm having a hard time and not say why, nor what I'm trying to do to fix it. thank you for just having a place where I can write only that.

[Armee]

I'm here, hearing you. Im sorrybitbisna tough time right now and you are under so very much stress. I'm glad to know you are here. 

[rainydiary]

I can relate to feeling like I have to explain myself because I had to all the time growing up.  I appreciate you sharing what feels right to share.  I am thinking of you.   

[sligeanach]

  

[sligeanach]

 

Argh!!
I open this thing up and log in because I'm so angry: at myself, at my stupid trauma
Then I'm just paralyzed and post nothing. Argh!!!

[sligeanach]

and I know why it's so hard to do this, but knowing doesn't make it any easier. or make me any less tired. so tired of carrying this trauma around. like this is something I can just drop, and what are my choices? stay conscious of it all the time and be all the time working on it, or tune it out and let it get me, and then start messing up my life, my family.

I can' t ever just be ok, like just hey, living my life, doing my thing. let myself feel like I'm ok for a while, and pretty soon discover i've been somebody else again. and the whole time thinking i'm totally making sense. fargh!

i don't want to hav to be dealing with this every damn day.

[rainydiary]

I've been checking in on the forum a lot today as today is a challenge for me.  I'm here with you carrying a lot and am grateful for you sharing. 

[sligeanach]

hey rainydiary, I'm glad you said that. It's obscenely difficult for me to post here. (I didn't pick a turtle, especially a turtle named Mac at random, you know?)

I'm finally maybe ready to admit that I need a regular program of work, one that I keep doing when I feel okay. it seems obvious, but it's so easy to just not want to think about all this when it's not getting in my way.

there should be a five stages of trauma, like there is for grief. or maybe it's the same thing.

[rainydiary]

What you say resonates with me.  Expressing ourselves as well as the up and down of managing trauma is so difficult.  I appreciate you trying to find what works for you. 

[sligeanach]

hi rainydiary. Well then, I'll just keep at it. Posting what works for me.

Thank you for the encouragement

[sligeanach]

Can't keep doing this up and down, this getting better getting worse b.s.

I need to build, to grow. A whole life. Steady incremental improvement would be better then this "life is great, have hope!" / "There's no hope, all is lost!" Up and down existence