Recently I have learned of two distinct types of anger that I have. So before I even go into techniques for managing the anger, I must first sort out and identify the type of anger I am experiencing, before I can move on to determine which technique will be most effective.
Current day anger over current day events such as: A rude clerk on a trip to the store, a driver that cuts me off and pulls out in front of me unexpectedly when I have the right of way, an undeserved criticism from my son, etc. These spark what I call "clean anger." It's nice and neat, one event, easy to deal with. I flare up, then I say about the clerk, Wow, she's having a bad day. I say about the bad driver, Wow, it's good thing I have good reflexes. With my son I am setting a boundary and setting a consequence. And enforcing it. Finally. Simple. Easy.
But, the other type of anger is completely enmeshed in my CPTSD and needs a lot of management. This type of anger involves flashbacks. Where I am reliving the abuse from my childhood. Thankfully very few people can invoke this type of anger. This type of anger comes belatedly. After the terror, and the freezing, and the paralyzed staring, and no reaction from me, and no defense, nothing, I do absolutely nothing to protect myself, and I feel like I have been annihilated. Yeah, when that reaction happens and is over? Then later, I get volcanically angry. Furious with both them for doing it to me, and me for doing nothing about it. That's not clean anger. It's filthy, and soiled, and dirty, and ugly, and it hurts, and it stabs, and it wounds me deeply. And I am furious and enraged. That kind needs a technique.
And as you know by now, my technique is writing. I do also feel better with just getting away and walking 3-4 miles. or swimming a mile, just doing something really physical. Pushups are a miracle. Because the pain is my heart, and I push so much blood through my upper body doing pushups, that it helps. It forces the passageways that are constricted in pain open again.
I don't have a warning, it is on me in an instant after I recover from the initial wounding freezing paralysis. I am 0 to 60. I would win awards for fastest car in the world if I was a car. It is so intense I feel it will consume me and burn me alive.
But time helps too. Time to think, get my brain functioning again, so the walks, and the pushups, and the getting away from where it happened these all help.
But what I have finally figured out, is that even though my reaction is over the top? It is justified. I don't get angry unless I am being truly abused in the present day. I don't. Anytime I get that mad? I need to DO something for myself. I am truly being abused in the present, and even though my reaction is too strong? It's not a mistake. When it happens, people really are trying deliberately to hurt me. On purpose. Or, they think they are more important than me, and that they have the right to mistreat me.
So I don't know if I can call that lucky or not, but I choose to. I am calling it lucky in that I do not get over the top angry about the wrong fork being the wrong place. When I get angry? I have been mistreated, disrespected and told that I was less than.
I have actually been searching for books on line for months on this subject, about what to do and how to handle it, but I can't find any. I may have to write one myself. About what to do. Once I figure it out.
But I am sick and tired of feeling like some people feel like they have the right to abuse me. I am just sick of it. So far my solution is NC. I will calm down, and I will ask once or twice for what I want, which is usually an apology, and lately counseling. But if I don't get it? See ya! I am history. You will not get another chance to abuse me. I will remove myself from you and your abusive ways.