Progress in healing from CSA

[NarcKiddo]

That's a really great update. Seems like you planted a seed of progress in that work done ages ago and now it has grown. I'm so pleased for you. Especially since being able to tolerate therapeutic touch should be helpful to you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you NK and Armee. Your posts remind me how big this really is.
May be also a partial explanation for how much I've been lying low. Stuff going on in the sub-conscious.

[storyworld]

I know I post 'too much', way more than anybody else on the forum.

I've never thought that and actually enjoy seeing your posts and replies. I'm appreciative to those, like you, who regularly engage here.

my T session today has brought me a big step forward in healing from CSA. ... I think that means that some of the burden of shame has lifted. More details in my Journal.

This is huge and so wonderful! Celebrating with you!         

[Blueberry]

Thank you storyworld!

_________

I was a bit reactive and regressive (NTS as in S-Nr.3) on this topic this week, but then that downturn turned into a bit of progress.

Progress in the area of gluteus m. again. Me realising that it has a purpose other than what FOO used it for (ridicule and worse). It's an important muscle!! w/o which humans couldn't stand up or do a lot of other movements. And as for its shape, that's genetic, family inheritance kind-of-thing. I mentioned this in trauma T yesterday, after telling my T about most of the CSA.

It's also progress that I've managed to tell a T so shortly after starting therapy with her. That might have been our tenth session. There are 2 more sessions and then she'll be on holiday for 4 weeks.

I told her too. I wrote it (or some of it) out for my previous trauma T and gave it to him to read.

It would be unusual to dive into CSA processing before processing something a little 'easier' and we certainly won't be before T comes back from her holiday, but she said we might start with CSA after all. I know this is a little weird, but it is what is - I feel a little excited. I'm sure I won't once we start. The excitement is I suppose about what all progress might come through more active healing in CSA, even in areas where you wouldn't think they're connected to sexuality. Well, they probably aren't connected to sexuality, they're physical things I blocked at an early age in order to block the stuff stirred up by CSA which I didn't understand and had no place for.

I know the progress has already progressed into RL because when I woke up, I remained in my body - no numbing - and I was able to touch parts of my body which can be problematic e.g. lower back, upper thighs.

The progress is continuing even w/o dreams on this topic. Esp. the italicised bit. What is more, the female physio can really work on this area esp. gluteus maximus w/o me dissociating. And w/o me saying: "No way, don't touch that! Trauma... sexual abuse..." Last week was emotionally difficult, but this week much better. This week she said: That is where the problem lies. Before that, I was so stand-offish, argumentative she probably didn't even dare.

I have been in physio before over the years, including inpatient but that area got pretty neglected because I'd refuse to let people near it. That has its reasons. Bad reasons. So much damage can come from CSA.

I'm touching that area more myself now, pressing into the muscular pain the way physio did. This is progress. As for upper thighs and lower back that I mentioned 4 years ago, self-touch is so much easier, that I'm semi-surprised I wrote it down then. Or I think Part of me is surprised and another Part remembers pretty much how hard touch used to be. Now my touch on lower back and even a bit upper thighs can be almost caressing. Scary word, so very small font.