[C.]

Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current members post and respond here please.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

Professional Help

1.   Use your therapy sessions to explore using some techniques for expressing anger at your parents/abusers.  Besides the "empty chair," psychodrama and other Gestalt therapy techniques that use role-playing and reenactment of family situations are especially powerful for survivors who want to practice expressing their anger toward their parents/abusers.

[Annegirl]

Its always about you. anything i say won't make any sense in your crazy brain so I won't talk to you and maybe won't ever see you again or attend your funeral.

[VeryFoggy]

I have this Grrr voice that I use alone out loud when I am angry about something.  It's more like a very loud, raspy, roaring, grating whisper?  Because I can't scream in my house, (neighbors) but it's very effective to use this voice out loud as I am journaling or thinking things over and come across some thought that makes me angry to use my Grrr voice.

Like: I don't deserve to be treated this way, and that's just not fair!  You are an a-hole for treating me that way, and I am not going to put up with this BS anymore! I'm not!  It's OVER!

Yep.  I let it all hang out. Is that necessarily what I do?  NO!  But it is what I say to get it out of me. Then when it's out of me, I can calm down and decide what is the best most effective thing to do.

[Kizzie]

I am NC with most of my PD FOO and LC with my NPD M so I haven't had that white hot, can't think, can't even get the words out kind of angry for a year or two. The last time was when my NPDM was FOGging me really badly, trying her best to slap me down and yet I was able to tell her clearly:

   NO! I AM NOT A BAD DAUGHTER OR PERSON AND I WILL NEVER LET YOU MAKE ME FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN!!! 

It was exactly what I needed to tell her (and myself), I did not get into the PD dance of shame, blame, projection and invalidation she uses to stop anger nor did I let my anger out in a really negative way. 

This seems to be carrying over more into any encounters with other abusive people, this ability to assert myself and disengage without fighting or freezing or whatever.  Pushed hard enough I'm sure it would rise to the surface (white hot anger), so part of my anger strategy is not letting myself get tangled up with anyone who is unhealthy. If I end up in a situation where someone does become abusive, I use Medium Chill and disengage as soon as I can.  Anger still makes me very uneasy though and there's an after effect of shame and guilt, less so these days but I do struggle with that a bit.

[marycontrary]

Here is mine...

You guys are dumber than a bucket of hair. Your loss. BYE! 

[C.]

Honestly, I think my current method is basically an eye roll with a walk away, get in my car and leave.  My great sporty black car w/a sun roof haha ....soooo, is that simply being in "flee/run" mode?  or just a realistic response? 

I am noticing a pattern of cutting the ties seems to be a theme here...

[anosognosia]

I have found it quite difficult to get in touch with my anger towards my parents.

1.5 years ago when I last spoke to my F in person, he made the remark that he had been "an exemplary parent". This triggered a huge rage fit in me where I started to shake and had fantasies of throwing dishes against the wall. 

Since then, therapy has brought up a few nights of anger and rage and tears. 

Those moments have passed, however, and I am once again unable to get in touch with my anger - or maybe, I don't have much left at the moment as I tend to much more sad than angry. 

Anger is such a powerful emotion, whereas sadness is a raw vulnerable open wound. Anger covers that up and protects me, and since I'm not exactly good at protecting myself....

[VeryFoggy]

C. - Hahaha!  I LOVE the sporty black car! I have owned 6 different corvettes over the course of my life, and all were black, and all were the loves of my life.  Alas! They are all gone and I am left with a Kia.  Reduced circumstances.  Voluntary though. Not forced. 

So I have to ask, after you do the eye roll, walk way and drive away, what happens next?  Do you ever reconnect?  If so, how?

Ano - Have you finished grieving? If you have worked through your anger then sadness is absolutely the next step in many cases. Grieving a long complex process.  I did it in one year, but it was all I did for a year, so I pushed it on fast forward. Anger cannot be sustained, and if you have worked through it is gone.  I have no anger towards my Ndad anymore either.  None.  I really feel nothing at all towards him, except compassion.

My problem is the "legacy" he left me, which is CPTSD.  And it can be triggered by any Tom, *, or Harry Narc type person.  So I do relive that anger often.  And will continue to do so until there are no more Narcs left in the world I guess.

But I am back to my boundary stuff again.  I continue to believe that if I can set the right boundaries and enforce them, then I may not ever have another EF again.  Or maybe I am just delusional.  Sigh.

[Kizzie]

I can so relate Anos, my NPDM still insists she was a great parent - astounds and sickens me both at the same time.  So  to you. 

This is actually a good thread given Mothers and Fathers Day are coming up.  All those sickly sweet cards that I would look at and end up feeling sad or angry or ashamed that I did not want to buy one.  That would be neat if there were cards for parents like ours - " Thanks for nothing, no really nothing because it was always all about you!"

Oh there's some healthy anger 

[C.]

Interesting question VF.  After I drive away I probably focus on self-care, talk w/my T, and make sure to connect in a healthy way w/my own kids.  I buy a tasty latte at Starbucks.  I don't look back.  I don't feel guilty.  I think they f*** ** again. 

I think it was a defining moment when this happened in that I saw that they would always be inappropriate w/me & each other.  Without going in to detail the family dynamic was simply toxic.  And within five minutes of driving away I felt relatively good again. 
   
You know, I think it was a boundary setting moment.  I'd decided that if either of my parents was inappropriate w/me or my son I would leave.  Someone was, and I left.  I didn’t yell or cry.  I simply left.

[anosognosia]

Ano - Have you finished grieving? If you have worked through your anger then sadness is absolutely the next step in many cases. Grieving a long complex process.  I did it in one year, but it was all I did for a year, so I pushed it on fast forward. Anger cannot be sustained, and if you have worked through it is gone.  I have no anger towards my Ndad anymore either.  None.  I really feel nothing at all towards him, except compassion.
[...]

But I am back to my boundary stuff again.  I continue to believe that if I can set the right boundaries and enforce them, then I may not ever have another EF again.  Or maybe I am just delusional.  Sigh.

VF, yeah I guess I'm through a big bulk of the anger, as currently the pool seems depleted inside of me. I try to reach inside and there's nothing.

I'm kind of 70% through my grieving. The big waves have come and gone (it took several months of lots of crying in therapy and almost daily at home.

I still sometimes feel sad for myself, and for "the state I find myself in" and how disconnected I feel from the rest of my high achieving professional colleagues and friends. It comes in waves now, less frequently, often triggered by stories or TV shows or people I encounter.

Kizzie, ugh,  , I guess that's why they are delusional narcissists.  I don't know if they are capable of feeling shame/remorse/humility. If they do admit to some sort of flaw then they do it in a very matyrical/biblical way as a grand gesture which of course is all about them and their self image.