Emotional abuse? Are you kidding?! Trigger warning!

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Kingfisher

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Emotional abuse? Are you kidding?! Trigger warning!
« on: September 15, 2020, 09:29:29 PM »
Hi to all of you brave, incredibly strong and indestructable people.
I posted in the introduction-board yesterday and feel free to dive 'into the deep' now. Well aware that I am writing this in the 'sub-board' of emotional abuse, still I might as well have posted this under the heading of physical abuse, or psychological abuse, or heinous verbal abuse, or emotional neglect etc.
At 62, father of the most wonderful boy-child one can imagine (7 years old), I am inescapably confronted with the depth of damage that was inflicted on me (Šnd my lovely brother) by the two people whom I can only call 'parents'.
For a loooong time I have been able to sort of 'postpone' this confrontation by 'understanding' the dynamics, by 'explaining' the behaviour of 'those people' (the term my brother and I use by now, referring to our 'parents'), by 'excusing' them because of their own troubled childhoods and trauma, by minimizing, by laughing it off in cynicism, by swallowing the myth of 'inherited depression and anxiety' which can be taken care of by the right medicines.
And it is all not true. It just isn't.

The truth is, I was subjected to a severely deranged 'father' and a terrified, codependent, cold, childlike 'mother' from Day-One of my life.
Another, hard to take in, truth is that these two people have NOT changed one bit during their long lives, despite the fact of having three sons, all well into middle-age by now.

Imagine: a 'father' beating his baby son (my brother) in the crib. For 'crying too much'.
Imagine: a 'father' spitting his adolescent sons fully in the face (I can't think of a more repulsive act by anyone) for coming home 'too late'.
Imagine: a father calling his son(s) 'worthless piece of dirt', 'worthless piece of sh*t', 'horrible human being', 'the whole world laughs at you and sees what a dreadful failure you are'.
Ad infinitum. For decades.
Imagine: this 'father' to be (in the 60's, 70's, 80's) a national TV-celebrity and -icon, adored by millions, revered for his 'kindness', 'humouredness' etc.
Imagine: his son(s) being dismissed in complete disbelief whenever he tried to, hesitatingly, tell something of his horrific experiences with the same 'man', to anyone.

I won't go into all physical abuse now, nor into all deep emotional neglect.
It would be too much. For you reading this, for me writing this.
I just hope to have been read and understood, but after having read so many of your posts here, I am quite sure that'll be the case.
Thank you so much, be well, all of you.

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marta1234

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Re: Emotional abuse? Are you kidding?! Trigger warning!
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2020, 12:25:12 AM »
 :hug: Thank you for sharing your story here Kingfisher. Iím sorry this happened to you. And Iím sorry youíve been invalidated when talking about it, many of us have been there.
Sending you support and a hug (if itís ok)  :hug:

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owl25

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Re: Emotional abuse? Are you kidding?! Trigger warning!
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2020, 02:09:54 AM »
Hi kingfisher, welcome to the board here. That is a lot you went through and had to deal with. I imagine having a son is likely bringing all of this to the surface for you. Our own children can quite often bring back all the trauma we managed to suppress. Having your father seen as a hero of sorts adds a whole other layer to the trauma already experienced. I am glad you found us for support.

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Eidolon

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Re: Emotional abuse? Are you kidding?! Trigger warning!
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2020, 06:36:33 PM »
Hey, Kingfisher.

I was a lot like you when I first started healing. It didn't matter what the abuse was, I could always excuse it with "but they didn't mean to/they were struggling, too." Sometimes people are just cruel. No excuses needed for them. If they were remorseful, they would change their behavior. There is no such thing as "too much", either. Your emotions, and your brothers' emotions, are valid. Keeping you in my thoughts. You're more resilient than you know.

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Kingfisher

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Re: Emotional abuse? Are you kidding?! Trigger warning!
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2020, 09:02:53 AM »
Thank you so much for the warm and validating replies!
Yes, owl (you must be wise 😊), it is so true that being a father, of a son!, brings my own deep past to the surface. Like I wrote: I have always KNOWN the facts about the horrible abuse (in so many ways) that went on and on, for decades;
I KNEW it and have KNOWN it; the shift that has taken place in me is, that I have started to FEEL it! And feeling we 'do' with our bodies, right?
I regard it as an unavoidable process and, hard as it is, even welcome it.
The coping! mechanisms of avoidance, minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing have more or less dropped away, not by some 'conscious decision', it has HAPPENED.
Hope this makes sense?
Wishing you all well (and yes, Eidolon, we are incredibly resilient!), thanks again.