The Shopping Incident TW

Eidolon · September 16, 2020, 06:50:41 PM

I must have been 9 or so. We were going to the store to pick up clothes for my mother. (She never took us to get new clothes. Just for herself. If I needed them, I needed to visit my father, and she was blackmailing him. "If you don't give me money you'll never see your daughter again." I learned a year or so ago she would describe me as a "cancer" to him in these emails. The man was living in a cockroach infested apartment and she was taking his money.)

Her boyfriend, my older HB (the one who would throw me at things and laugh about it), and I were in the car with my mother. She turned a bit to look at me and asked if I knew what I was. I said no, hoping for something pleasant for once. Just once.

"You're a useless piece of cattle I can sell off and you can't do anything about it."

And she laughed, and laughed, and her boyfriend didn't say much of anything. When we got home I broke down sobbing. Her excuse?

"It was just a joke. I don't understand why you're so upset, Booboo." My nickname was Booboo because I "was an accident." She then went to her Facebook group, where she was considered the best mother EVER. Had at least 300 people so certain she was the Virgin Mary. It felt like everyone was in on it. Maybe they were. I still don't know. I doubt I ever will.

Phoebes · September 16, 2020, 07:29:34 PM

You didn't deserve ANY of that, Eidolon. THat sounds like classic textbook malignant narcissistic behavior. And regardless of the label it may have, it's hurtful, painful, needless and abusive behavior that never should have happened. I'm so sorry.

If you haven't already, keep reading and educating yourself on these scenarios with narcissist mothers and scapegoat children. I hope you're not in her presence but you're doing good by being here amongst us who truly understand, and healing is possible!

They do strategically manipulate their "believers" just as much as they do their victims. They need that supply, and from my own experience, I knew she must have known I would leave one day, because she preemptively got a bunch of people to believe untrue things about me, mostly by little comments here and there. Nothing that would implicate HER as bad, you see. So when I did finally go NC, she had most of the family believing her that "See? Look what kind of person she is! Poor poor me!" It took a while to untangle the horrible feelings associated with all of this. It's not easy, but so so worth it.

Eidolon · September 22, 2020, 06:26:56 AM

Thank you, Phoebes. I really appreciate it. It's a little bit confusing at times- I knew who I was and what I was supposed to do, then suddenly it was taken away. I made friends at school that ended up being just as narcissistic and having to split from them was difficult, too. It all makes me feel very small, like a dot on the globe.

I'm incredibly glad I got away from her, but I hate how empty I feel when there isn't someone controlling me. Living my whole life, taking orders, and then that's apparently not how things are supposed to be. 20 years. 20 years I spent all wrong. Messes with my head a little bit. I think it would do that to anyone. You're right about the believers comment- it's all very cult-like. No challenging the leader because then everyone leaves. I know I'll figure it out eventually, it's just complicated.

Three Roses · September 23, 2020, 03:54:23 PM

What a terrible nickname! I, for one, am glad you are here and I'm celebrating your creativity.

Not Alone · October 01, 2020, 02:38:26 AM

Eidolon, what your mom said to you makes me sick. Makes me really angry that she treated you like that.

Eidolon · October 01, 2020, 06:16:32 PM

Thank you both, Three Roses and notalone, for being so kind to me! I'm still learning how to be angry about it. Mostly I am just sad that she only enjoyed life when she was being cruel to other people. There's a lot more to life than being mean and I wish she would've known that. Part of me still wants to know how the heck she turned out the way she did, but I don't think I actually want to know. I'm just very grateful I'm not like her.

dollyvee · November 21, 2020, 11:49:16 AM

Thank you for sharing Eidolon. It reminds me of my mother and what it was like to be around her growing up. It makes me really angry that she did that to you and I feel for the little girl in the car. Anytime I asked for new things (like new underwear - pretty extreme I know, lol), my mother never had any money. She did have money to buy my two year old brother an expensive leather jacket that he would grow out of. Later on I found out she was claiming a government benefit check that should've gone to my grandmother who I was living with (at least $100/month). I was also often told I was a "mistake" and I guess absolved her in her mind of having to be responsible for me so she could do what ever she wanted, which wasn't true. Then there would be times that she would tell me she loved me and I was her little monkey. It really messes you up.

I ended up moving to another continent and that's what helped me in the end as well as EMDR. It's so hard if you're in the middle of it

Eidolon · November 23, 2020, 07:47:53 PM

Quote from: dollyvee on November 21, 2020, 11:49:16 AM
Thank you for sharing Eidolon. It reminds me of my mother and what it was like to be around her growing up. It makes me really angry that she did that to you and I feel for the little girl in the car. Anytime I asked for new things (like new underwear - pretty extreme I know, lol), my mother never had any money. She did have money to buy my two year old brother an expensive leather jacket that he would grow out of. Later on I found out she was claiming a government benefit check that should've gone to my grandmother who I was living with (at least $100/month). I was also often told I was a "mistake" and I guess absolved her in her mind of having to be responsible for me so she could do what ever she wanted, which wasn't true. Then there would be times that she would tell me she loved me and I was her little monkey. It really messes you up.

I ended up moving to another continent and that's what helped me in the end as well as EMDR. It's so hard if you're in the middle of it

That's awful! I'm glad you're finding peace on another continent and through EMDR- I was in EMDR and my brain decided to throw up false memories instead of letting me deal with the old ones, so it wasn't as helpful to me as it could have been. I'm really proud of you for being able to work through it!

Thank you for being so supportive!

dollyvee · November 24, 2020, 08:59:32 AM

Thank you Eido - it's helpful to read stories like yours to me. I think it's somehow easier to get angry and be protective when I think about other little girls/boys who have been in similar situations. I don't know if it's dissociation or

but connecting to my own self who had to go through this is so much messier. I appreciate that you're sharing

I'm sorry that you had those experiences with EMDR. I read on OTTS on another thread that ppl use IFS with EMDR. Perhaps your protectors are still protecting you and keeping you safe and are not comfortable yet to step aside.

OverAndOver · February 17, 2023, 01:16:21 PM

I completely understand. I was villanized by my mother to her friends who felt sorry for her and they would stare at me. She was a high school teacher with a lot of friends she was very popular and they felt sorry for her and they watched her slap me in the face and call me b**** and did nothing about it. It's a struggle to find anger I mostly feel sad with panic attacks in the morning. And that's horrible that she did that to you and the boyfriend watched. Makes me feel ill that so many people sided with her