Emotional Dysregulation & Conflict

[Kizzie]

One of the 6 symptoms of CPTSD is emotional dysregulation and I don't think I understood exactly what that meant until I went back to therapy this part summer.

Yesterday when I was leaving the hospital a woman barged onto the elevator despite us telling her only 4 people were allowed.  She complained loudly about having had to wait for "like an hour" for one and that the rules for COVID were ridiculous and she didn't care. 

My BP went through the rook as apart from me there were two other seniors on the elevator and one 40 something, all more vulnerable to serious illness even death from the virus.  The woman was 20 something and "waited an hour" to get from the 4th to the main floor when there were stairs right beside the elevators. 

My mature side was struggling - While one side was telling me "she's young, still self-centred" the other side was quite ready to give her a push out the door before it closed.  Too late and down we went.  I did manage between clenched teeth to tell her that only 4 were allowed in each elevator at any one time for good reason and that she was putting us at risk by ignoring them.  Door opened and away she went.

I went to the COVID screeners and told them about it and asked them to put up larger, clearer signs (as I have done twice before) and basically got a shoulder shrug and "people are going to do what they are going to do".  OK BP going higher but managed to say that was a wholly inadequate response and reiterated that larger signs were needed outside and inside the elevators because I had encountered this numerous times having visited every day for three weeks.

All the way home, through the evening and even this morning I am angry and can't quite regulate that because it feels like another layer of selfishness, self-centredness, lack of responsibility and empathy for others, etc., etc., etc., added to what is there from the relational trauma I have endured and that lives on in me.

Would blasting/shaming her have helped?  I doubt it but it would have felt good and I so want to go back and let her have it I admit it.  That, however, is not regulating my emotions and in the long run I doubt I would continue to feel good.  I want to be regulated because I suffered through many hours of being overly angry.  I want to be calmer, step away and speak firmly and clearly about why that was wrong and what needs to change.  I did that but my angry side is still angry and upset. Hopefully today I will be able to stand back a bit more from all that, it's uncomfortable and I know that woman likely slept well while I tossed and turned a lot of the night. 

[Blueberry]

My BP is ok but my blood would have been boiling in the elevator, when talking to the Covid screeners and much of the following night and today... So you have my compassion.

I like the way you are being honest with yourself and us writing about what you'd really like to do, but then analysing the situation and deciding that probably wouldn't help you or the situation. I also like the way you managed to step away and say what needed to change and that the response was inadequate. Well, I like that because I'm beginning to learn to do that and you are further on. So reading your post was helpful for me even if my response is possibly not really helpful for you.

[Kizzie]

I wish I could say I was regulating well BB, but I can at least say I am recognizing what triggers dysregulation and trying to get centred once again.  I see clearly now when all the stored anger about selfishness, abuse, lack of empathy, etc., flows to the surface and how I feel when I express any of it.

I was really triggered yesterday by unsafe care in the rehab centre my H was transferred to & those layers of anger at people being careless/lazy/abusive flowed up. I didn't lose it completely but I did show my anger & that left me feeling like bad things are going to happen to my H now.

I know I had to tell the staff they needed to be more cognizant of my H's safety & well-being (& it did result in him being given a longer call button & wrist call thingy), but the past has taught all of me that anger results in big time backlash.

This is the kind of thing that relational trauma survivors like us have to fight to get through, the instant, overwhelming emotional flashbacks & triggering that conflict can bring. So hard to learn to regulate all that stored emotion!

[Blueberry]

I didn't lose it completely but I did show my anger & that left me feeling like bad things are going to happen to my H now.

Sending you and him some protection for if any staff come up with tendencies like that though probably they aren't. My T often asks me if anything really bad happened after I set a limit, or did the limit-setting actually help? It often helps these day, even if it didn't in the distant past.

I know I had to tell the staff they needed to be more cognizant of my H's safety & well-being (& it did result in him being given a longer call button & wrist call thingy)

but the past has taught all of me that anger results in big time backlash

Oh yes, I know that lesson from the past, but it is the past. Things are changing in the present for me, I hope they are for you too!

[Kizzie]

You make a good point BB, part of the remedy for this automatic fear that there will be backlash is to be aware of whether there actually is or not. 

Yesterday seemed a better day with care & safety of my H although I wonder what would/wouldn't happen if I weren't there.  He can and does speak up but I find people drift off/don't listen because he talks slowly so I reiterate everything he says so they get it. Anyway, we'll see how this week plays out now that more staff are back after the weekend. 

Hard to shake that feeling there will be backlash though!  So glad to hear things are changing for you, you've worked hard on your recovery so kudos   

[Kizzie]

So just wanted to add to this thread that the hospital I spoke to the COVID screeners about people jumping on elevators past the 4 each car was restricted to had a huge outbreak just after my H was transferred to the rehab facility. Large number of deaths and positive tests for staff and visitors.  Heart breaking - glad we got out before it hit. 

[Blueberry]

  on getting out before it hit. I feel numb about the rest. Don't know what to say.