Looking for hope

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Jemini

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Looking for hope
« on: September 30, 2020, 04:13:49 AM »
So I just joined, and am really in a desperate place. I don't know how to sum up my story or my traumas, but I will try. The place I'm at though, which I've read is common for people with CPTSD, is totally isolated. I'm really hoping I can make friends here and get support for how to go be out in the world again.

I had a difficult childhood, parents separated when I was a baby, moved around a lot growing up, so always starting over as the new kid. Mom was emotionally abusive and dad, who wasn't too much in the picture, was very distant. I struggled for years with depression and anxiety but was never being consistently diagnosed.

As an adult I went through a series of traumatic events that included both parents getting dementia and dying, my marriage collapsing -- we divorced in 2015 -- and loss of my career. It's a long complicated story and I don't feel too safe opening up with it in my intro, but the upshot was I had to try to start over at 40 with no family and my social network basically evaporating on me as I was in such crisis.

I've found myself so isolated at this point I basically only know therapists and acquaintances from support groups. I'm a very smart person, compassionate, care about people. But I'm so overwhelmed and scared about how to be out in the world, fear that I will always be rejected and abandoned, fear that I'm not compatible with people in some fundamental way.

I'm really hoping others reading this may relate to any of it, hope you will be friendly to me. The lockdown of pandemic and a recent heartbreaking break-up, and the coming of winter -- I'm terrified I can't break the isolation and ever really be in the world again.

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marta1234

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Re: Looking for hope
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2020, 02:32:20 PM »
Hi Jemini. Welcome to the forum. Hope you find the support and safety that many of us need here. Thank you for sharing your story here. Sending you a gentle hug if itís ok  :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Looking for hope
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2020, 01:14:42 AM »
Jemini, I hear your loneliness and fear. Those on this forum have been understanding, kind, and supportive of me. I trust that you will find support here. You are warmly welcome.

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Jemini

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Re: Looking for hope
« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2020, 03:54:23 AM »
Thank you for replies. Any advice how I might make connections here? I'm used to sites that have a chat feature for a little more real-time community. Feeling so isolated...

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Three Roses

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Re: Looking for hope
« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2020, 04:16:51 AM »
Welcome, Jemini! If you're looking for real-time support, may i suggest the Zoom meetings that NAASCA hosts? You don't have to speak or appear on camera, you don't even have to introduce yourself - altho the host may gently encourage you, just to make sure you get a chance to speak.

Here's the link to their site; the Zoom meeting info is there, about half way down the page...http://www.naasca.org

Thanks for joining
 :heythere:

(NAASCA is the National Association for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. No one will press you to reveal details of your past abuse.)
« Last Edit: October 01, 2020, 04:22:27 AM by Three Roses »

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Pioneer

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Re: Looking for hope
« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2020, 04:44:48 AM »
Hi Jemini!  :) I can definitely relate to intense loneliness and to feeling isolated. I am new to this forum, but I have already found quite a bit of encouragement from reading others' posts and by getting some personal feedback too. And I am seeing more for the first time that I am not the only one who feels the ways that I do. I'm sorry you've had such a hard road. I hope this community can be an encouragement for you and a safe place. Sending a little hug if that's all right  :hug: