Kingfisher, diving deep, coming up again... (and again... and...)

[Kingfisher]

Hey, to all of you and thank you for reading this!

First of all I want to express my profound gratitude for the sheer existence of this forum (which I have only recently found and joined); it is immense and I have just read a fraction of its content, but it is already immensely important to me for áll the warmth, understanding, recognition, validation and comfort it provides! Thank you ALL for that, for your courage, honesty and GOODness.

Posting this in 'Recovery Journals', I think it would be best to start with signs of recovery, despite the tenacious, lifelong storyline of telling myself 'things will never get better; you're damaged goods; it's far too late (being 62) to really change and recover', etc.

Signs of recovery, for me, are:
- somehow, somewhere, sometime I just lost the intense social anxiety I have felt most of my life; that crushing feeling of shame, feeling ugly, feeling unacceptable, feeling watched, feeling judged, feeling disapproved of, feeling awkward etc.

- this goes hand in hand with a growing, if not full, acknowledgement of the horrendous 'upbringing' (DOWNbringing would be THE real word, wouldn't it?!) which I was subjected to for decades on end.
Acknowledgement. WITHOUT rationalizing, without minimizing, without intellectualisation,
without laughing it off, without 'explaining' or bringing up 'extenuating circumstances' or whatever (all of which I have been doing until quite recently); just stating fully: it was horrible, it was more or less criminal in extent, it was soul-destroying, it has affected my life and being in só many, deep-rooted ways. Period.

- being a late-in-life father (of my, by now, 7 year old son) I was, and ám, deeply grateful, grateful ánd astonished, for the most open, defenseless, tender, interested, fascinated, deeply caring LOVE I have ever experienced in my life, and that has been so from day one of his life.
My son, his existence, has been and goes on to be a 'catalyst in my recovery'; being with him, as a baby, a toddler, an open, fearless, eager and keen, sensitive and bright 7 year old boy-child has made me inescapably aware of the heinous ways I was crushed, gaslighted, beaten, laughed at, humiliated, neglected, tormented by a severely deluded, mean, malignant narc-father ánd an enabling, terrified, cold, childlike mother. (And, as said above, I don't f* care anymore for the 'reasons' which made them behave like they did; especially since they kept up their ways of 'behaving' all through their looooooong lives.)

- strange as it might sound, the fact that I have started to FEEL all this (during the past half year or so) instead of THINKING (endlessly) about it, I regard as a sign of recovery; hard as it is to feel só much raw, bare, nameless, core-pain, I am somehow able to stay with it, to contain it, to not want to escape it (which is futile anyway and often leads to damaging others or myself!) I am able to, somehow, welcome it, without having to put a name (sadness, anger, fear, despair etc.) to it.

- apt as I am, decreasingly though, to abreact my pain/fear/anger on others, I find myself to be aware of that real soon and have DISCOVERED to be able to make real, heartfelt apologies for it; understanding my reactions and behaviour, but WITHOUT condoning them!

Before this will turn into an endless post, I want to thank you for heaving read all of it.
Can anyone relate to the fact of having (had) a malignant narcissist for a 'father', who was an admired, adored, revered, famous, nation-wide celebrity and an absolute monster at 'home'?

More to come 😊
Any reactions would be most welcome.
Blessings to all of you.

[Hope67]

Hi Kingfisher,
I read what you wrote here, and can see that you're on a journey in your recovery, and I wish you the best with this, and wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

My father was well regarded, although not famous. He was a gifted artist, and received much positive attention and admiration from his church and fellow artists.

He lost several jobs due to his incandescent temper, however, and at home he was a bomb waiting to go off.

He was not a diagnosable narcissist, but I believe he did have a tbi from ww2 on top of cptsd from that war and being raised in the Depression of the early 1900s. He was unpredictable, going from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other in a matter of seconds. He had no compulsion about lashing out physically, to family or others. 

It was mind boggling as a child to see the reactions of people to my dad when he was on his best behavior. Absolutely crazy making to the kid I was.

Welcome to the forum.

[Kingfisher]

Hi (High 🙂) Hope,
Thank you so much for your warm reply! And yes, that supportive hug is very welcome, thank you.
A journey of recovery..., it ís and it proves to be long and arduous, as for all of us here. From what I have gathered from your (recent) posts,  it is clear that you've come a long way, Hope, in dealing with and healing from the terrible damage that was done to you, from such a young age onward. (And I feel só sorry for that.)
This forum is a wonderful place to express, to hear and be heard; it feels safe
(at last!) , truly empathic and supportive. I am sure I'll post a lot more in the time to come.
Thank you again, wishing you well on your journey,
Kingfisher

[Kingfisher]

Thank you for welcoming me, Three Roses!
So sorry to hear about your father's condition and the effects of it on the child you were.
Did your father/parents ever change, in the course of their lives?
I am asking that because mine did NOT. Not one little bit and I still find that completely incredible; just the same abusive behaviour (contempt, disgust, smearcampaigns, harshness, divide-and-rule, complete lack of empathy, self-obsessedness etc. etc.) they kept up all their long lives.
The father died three years ago. And it was a shock for me to actually feel nothing over it! No anger, no sadness, no glee. (I had already gone NC quite some time before his death.)
Imagine radio, TV, newspapers, the internet immediately overflowing  with articles, obituaries, re-runs of programs... this adored, revered TV-presenter was dead.
Talk about 'mind boggling'...

[Three Roses]

He had dementia in the last years, so yes he did change but not because he became aware of his dysfunction.

I'm sorry that you went thru that ... it's really a very weird feeling to see someone who is abusive toward you receiving accolades, isn't it? Does a number on you.

[Kingfisher]

As I wrote on this thread earlier: 'there is the full acknowledgement of the horrendous 'upbringing' I was subjected to, for decades on end'.
And I just feel this deep PAIN constantly; it's hard to find any other word for it.
Pain. Raw, nameless.
And I notice my lifelong defenses against it won't do anymore, somehow they can't be put back to work. Even worrying has departed, it seems 🙂

Which leaves me with this pain, it feels like BEING pain. I feel completely vulnerable, yet paralyzed under it. A paralysis which comes in facing this mountain of consequences, outcomes, results following multiple and crushing trauma so early in life, and onward.

Can anyone relate to this? Relate to this state of finding 'all avenues of escape closed off' and being at a loss as to what to do next?

[marta1234]

Hi Kingfisher, I wanted to send my congrats on starting your first journal. And to reply to the above, yes. Everyday. At first, i could single out the pain and it was very extreme. After a while it isn't that noticeable, it just became my everyday life. For me, working with my parts, especially younger ones, helps lessen the pain in the long term. Sending you hugs of support if it's ok

[Kingfisher]

Hi marta,
Thank you for reacting ánd the, very welcome!, hugs of support.
In a way I can welcome this pain and let it be there, without frantically wanting to get rid of it. I can observe it, I can sense the profound grief that lies ríght beneath the surface of it.
As I wrote, the defenses against it have dropped away. Defenses like: acting out (or acting 'in', for that matter...), blaming 'the world', blaming others inappropriately, blaming myself (most of all...), endless worrying, rationalizing, minimizing, taking refuge in  knowledge per se, in intellectualization etc.
That is all quite recent, new and literally unknown to me and yet, there is some strangely deeply felt trust in it.
Sending you hugs of support in return, if that's okay,

Kingfisher

[rainydiary]

I appreciate what you say about sitting with pain and discomfort.  I have found it to be important and helpful work too.  I am glad you are finding your way to do that and hope that it leads to healing. 

[gravity]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.  Some of what you said feels familiar to me, such as having a parent who has a perfect public face but is horrible at home.  I'm still working that one out as I started thinking about it after reading what you said.

Much support on your journey, and if I may, a hug as you go through this 

[Kingfisher]

Thank you, rainydiary,
Yes, this deep pain, to be watched, attended to, contained... Pfff. In the evenings, like now, I allow myself some wine, just to subdue it a bit, to take the edge off it.
Wishing you all possible healing in return,

Kingfisher

[Kingfisher]

Hi gravity, good to hear you on this!
This outward appearance of 'the perfect little family'... with all the horrors going on behind closed doors.
In my case, we as a 'family' would be on the cover of nation-wide magazines (all dressed up, pets included, Picture-Perfect) when I was a teenager. The hypochrisy of it, the complete lie of it! All of it to provide narcissistic supply to this horribly abusive, devastating, deeply SICK 'father'-person.
My son-of-seven is sleeping in the next room, right now and I have to check in, ever so often, to see his beauty, to see the miracle he is (as we ALL are!), to touch his hair and re-arrange the duvet and whisper words of tenderness and love.

Hugs to you too, gravity, we are all súch courageous people here and once the lid is off, once this is really opened up (no matter how late in life) there is no going back, only forward, no matter how hard it often is.

Kingfisher

[gravity]

I'm sorry you had to endure that.  I feel similar, granted not on such a public scale like you experienced.

It sounds like your son is great inspiration to you and to help you heal.  I wish you the best on your journey, but it's okay to have bad days, too.

Yes, let's push forward.

[Kingfisher]

'but it's okay to have bad days, too',
as Gravity wrote

Well, today has been/ís a real hard day. I face this mountain of dreadful memories, of countless horrible, cruel, heartless 'incidents' of abuse (physical, emotional, verbal). The cruelty of it all, the sadistic edge there was to it... merciless, heartless, completely remorseless.
It sends shivers down my spine when I imagine how 'just' one week of such treatment would DESTROY my seven-year-old son! How it would destroy his deep, open trust; trust in himself, trust in me, trust in the people around him, trust in the world, trust in life.
And I wás such a boy, júst such a boy. And all that wás detroyed in me, but not completely, since I sit here, writing this and not giving up.
But this Mountain feels insurmountable, on hard days like today. The pain of it all, the struggling and somehow coping, for decades. Going down, coming up again, going down... ad infinitum.
Felt like reaching out to you all. For encouragement, for understanding, for strength.

Kingfisher