What do you call your abusive "parents"

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Pilgrim

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What do you call your abusive "parents"
« on: September 24, 2020, 09:48:12 AM »
Hi

This is something I struggle with daily - what name do I give to "my parents" who caused my CPTSD (childhood development)? I mean in the context of talking with people eg what do your parents do/live/are they alive etc. "Parent" infers, to me, caring etc so I feel I am still (many decades later) under control when I use the term. I thought about "biological parents" but then that suggests I was either adopted or brought up in care.  I was "raised" in the same house until adulthood by the 2 people who created me. Even "mother" and "father" is still too suggestive of a degree of caring but it's my default term - when people refer to them as my "mum" or "dad" I just stand there silently thinking just how far from the norm and truth that feels. I can't imagine referring to them by their names - that gives me the total creeps.

What do others use?

Thanks.

Pilgrim

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woodsgnome

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Re: What do you call your abusive "parents"
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2020, 04:54:16 PM »
First, I just hope it never arises. If it does, I try to minimize it just by using f or m to establish their roles. I also can't abide using their given names. I remember one other person on this forum who used the term "dna donors" if something needed to be expressed about their status in one's life.

For me, if I can't avoid the topic wholly, I just never use the names, explaining it's too painful. Of course there are bunches of people who don't get this, but I decided for my own sanity I could only use the f or m as reference points.

I have come to not recognize them as family. I enjoy the concept and am envious of those who can feel at home with the idea, but I also know my limits in this regard. It hurts, of course; but I choose not to make it worse.

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Pilgrim

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Re: What do you call your abusive "parents"
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2020, 12:10:05 PM »
Thanks Woodsgnome.

Unfortunately I am still in contact with my FOO and, while my friends know I have CPTSD, they don't connect it to my f or m (I like your abbreviations). So I have the facade of pretending that my young life was normal in a "family" sense and abnormal outwith it. It was, in reality, both. The "DNA donors" made me smile - thanks for that. Perhaps I need to have the courage to tell my friends the truth but this awful disorder leaves me feeling obligated to play along/not say anything - just how it was when I was a child. Like you, I don't recognise my FOO as my family. I have my own and we do love one another. I feel guilty that their love for me cannot eradicate the past - I feel I am letting them down and they genuinely care and love me. And I them.

Cheers

Pilgrim

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Three Roses

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Re: What do you call your abusive "parents"
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2020, 01:37:26 PM »
Several years (decades) ago, the term "the 'rents" came into use. Male rent, female rent? The 'Rents?

I tend to think of mother and father as generic terms (father of psychology, mother of radiation, etc) but nicknames like mom/mommy and dad/daddy are the ones that ellicit the unpleasant emotional responses for me.