Huge trigger warning flashback

[Deep Blue]

Please do not read if you are triggered by PA**** major abuse here.  I just had to get this stupid flashback out of me!!!

Flashback Sunday:
I had a bad flashback on Sunday.

My husband was gone at tennis.  I was going upstairs to get some laundry and "it" was there.  Top of the stairs... he must have taken it off and then carried it up but not put it in the bedroom. 

HUGE flashback:
Full on immersive:  me, over the couch... for some reason I was not depersonalized.  I'm getting as low as I can on the couch.  Trying to time it slightly & push down when it hits. I'm caught for doing this, and my hair is yanked, I arc my back and stand up slightly... I hear her in my ear... hissing... I'm adding 3 for that... it hurts and I bite my lip hard...

I am finished and I crumple to the ground... backside to the couch... I don't want her to hurt me anymore.  I'm dumb, how did I think I'd get away with that? It's my fault.

I come back to... I'm gripping the carpet with both hands... sort of sitting but pitched  forward.  I tried to get up but the body memory was there full force and it wasn't a good one.  So I ended up laying there and having an anxiety attack...  I dunno how long... body memory hung around for the day. 

[OceanStar]

Oh deepblue. I don't have any words. I am sorry you had to go through that.

While I was reading all I wanted to do was hold you until the pain and fear had gone.

You are strong and brave. It is in the past and lighter times will come.

Sending a  if that's ok.

[Snowdrop]

That sounds horrific, Deep Blue. I am so sorry you went through that. I feel angry that you were treated like that. You didn't deserve it.

I hope writing it down has helped. Sending you a hug, if that feels safe.

[Three Roses]

You are so strong and brave to be confronting this! You were in no way to blame for being abused like that. Tender hugs, if you want them.

[Not Alone]

If you could see my face now, you would see my tears overflowing my eyes.