Gravity's Journal

[gravity]

Okay, looked around on the site a little more, giving this journal thing a try.

There are good days and bad days.  Today is a more challenging day.  I was tasked with something that in retrospect I handled like I normally do in an EF, so that wasn't helpful.  I felt pretty resistant to the task (did it anyway), probably dissociating a bit through the whole thing.  I was angry and frustrated, feeling inadequate at this task that I didn't have experience with.  I did ask some people who I knew knew more than me for help, but (it felt like) they brushed me off, like they were just like explaining this to someone who had more knowledge than me, so that fed into some... thought processes.  So, I guess I felt pretty abandoned when I was reaching out for help on something I didn't know.  Then I didn't get the help I wanted, which kinda made me push towards the more independent, "let's figure this out myself" sort of response.  Others did say to ask them for help if I needed it, but I felt resistant to that.  I'm confused about the whole thing and I'm not sure what to do.  Like, I really want to believe that I can have help and ask for it, but on the other hand I'm stuck in the not asking and just "toughing it out" phase.  I don't know what to do about that.

I saw a few therapists, but none of them really helped/understood what I'm going through.  In fact, their treatment approaches actually made my symptoms worse.  So, I'm kind of just going at it alone for right now.  I feel pretty..... insecure? about finding another one right now.  I had an intense flashback during the last session with my last therapist and instead of helping me through the process of processing my emotions and helping with that particular arrested development, she immediately hopped on the antidepressants and intensive care train.  That made me feel even more isolated and scared and distrusting going forward.  It was reminiscent of the 0-60 reactions from my M.  I'm good.

One day at a time.

[rainydiary]

Gravity, the thoughts you shared resonate with me as I have had similar experiences.  I appreciate you sharing and hope you can find some support along your journey here. 

[marta1234]

Gravity, I'm sorry you had such a hard day. I feel you, when you just see yourself all alone, trekking this whatever "life trail". I'm sorry you didn't find  good therapist for you, the journey to find him/her is long for most of us. I just wanted to send you a hug if it's ok and congratulate you for starting your first post.

[gravity]

Thank you rainydiary and marta1234.  I will definitely accept hugs as it helps to feel something positive like that.

Ha, I just remembered how my M would force me to give hugs to people I didn't want to give hugs.  Of course I would do them anyway so I didn't get guilt tripped even more than I was already guilt tripped into giving the hugs.  I feel angry about being forced to do something I didn't want to do.

There's something related to that I want to share.  My M would never respect my boundaries.  She would always just burst into my room (she kept her clothes and random stuff in there with mine, so I didn't even have my own room in her house) and the only way I would know is by her footsteps.  I remember changing when she again burst through the door, and the way the house was laid out, you could see into my room if the door was open.  People were around, so I was understandably upset.  I told her to knock next time, thinking she would actually stop and wait for me to say it was okay to enter.  Well, she knocked and burst in anyway.  I'm pretty sure I told her to wait for me to confirm, but she didn't listen.  Then I would start locking the door, which definitely got the message through for the most part.

This relates to a recent incident where my SO knocked and walked into the room when I was in a meeting.  I probably was triggered now that I think about it.  I was close to being done, and probably should've just sent them a text that I would be done in a few minutes, but they knocked and entered anyway.  It made me upset, and I tried to explain to them, but they got defensive over it, which kicked off a huge and rapid spiral for me.  I became visibly upset, and the next thing out of their mouth and the tone of (probably perceived) disgust was just horrible.  "Are you really that upset about what I did?"  Yes, yes I am.  I asked you before to wait for my confirmation and I am upset that you didn't do that.

I became very distraught, knees pulled to my chest, rocking hard, looking for help.  I felt very abandoned, attacked, full blown EF.  I was scared, alone, fearful, really distressed, like a wild animal, just searching for safety.  Something flipped in my SO, and they calmed me by not offering advice, not offering help, just comforting me.  That helped a little.  They don't have the history I do, so this is difficult for them to understand, but I appreciate them doing their best even when I'm not at my best.  I don't know what I did to have the opportunity to spend my time with such a patient, understanding person and I really want to manage all of this better because they really are awesome.  I'm trying my best to explain all of this to them, but it's difficult.

One day at a time.

[gravity]

Another challenging day.  A lot of self-deprecating and self-depreciating thoughts running wild.  I'm trying to employ Pete Walker's 13 steps, but today is especially difficult.  I'm also highly stressed, so that's not helping very much.

[gravity]

Today was better.  Actually took some time to walk through the 13 Steps and I feel more centered.

[Hope67]

Hi Gravity,
I'm glad that you found Pete Walker's steps helpful, and that yesterday was better.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[gravity]

Thanks Hope, I really appreciate it.

Today was okay.  A couple positives that are helping to lift me out of this funk.  I really underestimated in-person social interaction with my friends.  Most interactions are in front of a screen, which is pretty alright considering the circumstances of the current world, but it is no substitute.  I also think part of it is I'm so heads down in work that I don't allow myself to have relaxed socialization.  But it was really nice to actually talk to them.  Something to work towards, eh?

It's incredible how someone can hold two polar opposites within themselves.  The dissonance.  Like, logically I know my friends like me and want to be around me, but the feelings of isolation and self-abandonment are so powerful.  Those feelings tell me that's not true, they don't really like me, nobody wants to talk to me.  It's highly distorting.  It's like I have this huge black entity that keeps me crushed against the ground.  I fight back, but it's like I don't have my heart in it.  I hope that makes sense.  I'm pretty bad at explaining things at times.

I feel like the last couple of days are slowly improving.  I made a new friend who is very, very compassionate and I think that helps a lot.  Someone to say, "That sucks." or "That's unfair."  I'm trying to not just pour everything on them, finding the balance because maybe I did too much of that in the past.  I guess I'm just scared that if I dump too much on them too many times they'll get tired of me and start ignoring me.

Another day down.

[gravity]

I had a pretty bad weekend.  I was in high distress and turned to someone who always comforted me in the past, but this time they gave me harsh truths instead of comforting words.  I felt very alone, very isolated, very misunderstood, very panicked.  I don't know what more I can do to explain to others what I need when they keep disregarding me like this.  Who do you turn to when your last line of defense is no longer supportive?

I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore and I know I'm dissociating because everything is so cut off, numb, dead inside.

My SO wonders why I'm so wracked with all of this pain and I think I realized it recently: because I was dissociating so hard that I appeared functional, but now that I'm staring the beast in the face, all of its snarling, degrading, undermining insults with no weapons to actually defend myself against this.  I'm trying my best here carve off manageable, digestible chunks but sometimes the chunks are too big and I need help.  These are my cries to those around me to help me carve down these pieces I thought I could handle on my own but can't.

My SO wonders why we're not intimate anymore.  Because somewhere along the way I was hurt so deeply by someone I trusted absolutely; I'm shut down.  All defense levels to the max.  I will never allow myself to be hurt again.  Prove to me you won't hurt me again.

I don't know what happened.  I'm stuck and I can't find a way out.

I'm looking for another T again because I don't know what else to do.  I keep hurting those I care about around me and I don't know why.  I just want to be okay again.  I want to feel again.  I want to enjoy life's simple beauties and stop seeing nothing but the tragedies.  I want to help others like me and give them a voice, too.  I want to be safe again.

I want to be safe again.

[marta1234]

Hi Gravity. I am sorry you've been having such a tough time this week (and even months) and weekend. I feel for you when you talk about having harsh truth instead of comfort. I've had that happen to me so many times, and it felt devastating everytime someone who I looked up to did that. I feel that because cptsd is a survival mechanism and is very well integrated into our daily lives, the issues and drastic symptoms we face are never shown to the outside world. For example, for most of my teen years I was depressed, but I couldn't show it. So my close family only found this out when I told them. However, for me, with very close people, I allow myself to tell them that all I need is a hug and comfort.
But I see you Gravity and what you're dealing with. I'm going through that too sometimes. Sending you much love and support (if it's ok).

[gravity]

Thank you very much, marta1234.  I really, really appreciate what you said, the support you're offering, and I will definitely take that hug.

Looking for a new T.  One I inquired was full, which makes me feel sad, but that's okay.  It's an unusual time and it's understandable the mental health system is strained.  I'm trying to not take it personally I guess is what I'm saying.

I found some CPTSD memes and it's incredible how every single one speaks to me.  It's given me a sense of community, which helps, I think, as well as a great vehicle to say the things I can't say to those close to me.  My poor inner child, grasping at anything to explain while trying to find the words and a voice.

One day, little one, you'll be able to speak again.

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry the person that you reached out to was harsh instead of comforting. That's really hurtful.

[gravity]

Thank you, notalone.  It was hurtful, wasn't it?  It certainly felt that way.

[Hope67]

Hi Gravity,
I'm sorry you had that experience, and I hope you can find a new T.  I'm glad you found the CPTSD memes helpful.
Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[gravity]

Thank you, Hope.  I appreciate the hug