Gravity's Journal

[gravity]

This were going alright for a while.  I stood up for myself, which I think I needed, and I think I conducted myself appropriately, but I have that nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me I shouldn't've done that, that there's some punishment on the horizon and I should've just stayed quiet.  It's so hard to separate out the falsities my brain is telling me and to be confident and proud of what I did.

I reached out to some Ts, but they never got back to me, so that also leaves me feeling a bit defeated.

There's a project I'm working on for weeks now that suddenly needs to be changed, and I feel like I should've been told earlier in this whole process.  We have check-ins with the overseer, so I feel like this should've been brought up earlier.  It triggered me really badly, spiraling really hard into all the usual things.  I feel very overwhelmed and blindsided.  The overseer is very hands off and doesn't say anything unless you talk to them personally, which I think is very unfair.  I don't feel safe with this person to have that sort of back and forth relationship.  I don't feel like the environment is safe, positive, and encouraging.  I just feel like quitting because everything is so overwhelming right now; I have to essentially overhaul the project.  I have to fit 7 weeks of work into 3.  I don't want to do it.  I can't bring this up to anyone because when I brought something similar like this up to others I thought could help me, I was dismissed and nothing happened.  I don't feel like I have any power to change anything and I don't have a voice.  I'm back in my childhood again.  There's no hope.  There's no chance of escape.  If I leave, everyone would look down on me and label me as a failure.  Everyone is so exceptional and I am not.  I have no idea how I even got here.  I don't belong here.  No one is helping me.  No one cares.

[gravity]

I found a possible T, just need to actually speak with them.  They say they have experience with CPTSD, so I'm cautiously hopeful.  I'm a little scared but curious about EMDR, which I read about in The Body Keeps the Score.  Might as well try it as the other approaches haven't worked yet.

Just trying to recover from the pretty bad flashback.  I feel.... tense, agitated, like by heart is beating fast.  I need to reincorporate deep breathing again.  That helped a lot.

[marta1234]

Congrats on finding at least a possible T, that's a step forward 
I wanted to also add to your last post, that I'm sorry you're dealing with this. And the rejection when opening up to someone in hopes of help or validation is something, sadly, most of us have had to experience. Your triggers are valid. Your unpleasant feelings of this situation is valid (I would also feel the same way if I was in your position).
Sending you love and support, Gravity. You are not alone in this. We all are marching along with you.

[gravity]

Thank you marta1234 for the validation.  It really means a lot.

So, the possible T is not able to see me, but they went out of their way to help me find someone else, which I personally find impressive.  This person has done a lot more than the other Ts I tried to contact in the last few weeks.  Again, cautiously hopeful.

I noticed for the last few weeks, I wake up so angry.  I don't know why I'm constantly angry for the first 10 mins or so of each morning.  I'm guessing I'm waking up in a flashback every day.  I'm not sure how to counteract that.  In a way, I do feel like I'm an angry teenager again.  Like, I started this whole journey as a scared child, and now emotionally I feel like an angry teenager.  Progress?  I think so, in this one regard, at least.

I also feel pretty accomplished today.  I was able to work through a problem in a subject area that I'm not very experienced in and have struggled with for the last few years.  When I found the solution, there was this strange release of just everything.  A flood of emotions.  There was... relief?  Pride?  Validation that I'm not as terrible or inept as I thought I was?  It was so gratifying.  I cried tears of so many emotions.  It was nice.

[Violet Magenta]

Thanks for sharing, Gravity. I was having a really difficult day, and picked up your journal. I could relate to so much of it. I'm having an angry teenager/scared little kid tug of war inside me today. My angry side results in a lot of guilt and shame. It really helps to feel not so alone with all these conflicting feelings. I'm really glad you've found a T. I've had one for just a couple of months and now I both look forward to and fear our sessions, but I find I always feel some relief after, like some weight has been lifted, and I even relief from physical symptoms like pain and sleep problems.

[gravity]

Thank you Violet Magenta for also sharing what you're going through.  I completely understand the feelings of anger followed by guilt and shame.  It's bewildering and unsettling to one's self, perhaps a reflection of the relationship(s) we had to survive.

I'm also glad you have a T that you feel comfortable with and are finding relief in.  That is wonderful 

[gravity]

I want to share something that I think is a big deal for me.
I was listening to a lovely piece of music and something about it led me along a thought string.  I'm afraid I'm repeating the same pattern of abuse and I saw my inner child curled up, crying.  They were scared, fearful that I was repeating the same things my M did to me against my SO.  They were so sad.  Thoughts of being a bad person and the need to isolate were dominant.  If I hid myself away, no one would have to suffer my abuse.  That was so painful.  But my present self told my little self the things they were doing were trained responses to survive an abusive M.  These were just reactions to protect myself and survive.  I grabbed their hand, and pulled them in for a tight hug.  I told them they were so kind, compassionate, creative, loving.  I was proud of them for just being them.  We can work together to find healthier ways to be better, to replace the learned responses.  We can dance in a field of flowers with a sublime sun setting over trees.  We will be okay.
I cried at the compassion I had for myself.  Little by little I'm accepting others' compassion into myself.  There's less and less resistance each time.  I want to make small things for my friends to show I care.  I want to give what I have, as small as it is.  I want to be better than my M.  I'm slowly reclaiming the parts of me I lost for so long.  It's like I've been trapped in a tar pit for years.  Someone helped me out, but I couldn't take the tar off myself.  Others have worked through layers and layers, and now I have a glimmer of skin.  Thanks to my friends' and SO's support, I can do start taking some off the tar off, too.

[Not Alone]

It's like I've been trapped in a tar pit for years.  Someone helped me out, but I couldn't take the tar off myself.  Others have worked through layers and layers, and now I have a glimmer of skin.  Thanks to my friends' and SO's support, I can do start taking some off the tar off, too.

I am a visual person and I can relate to your picture of the tar pit. Wonderful that you are growing in self-compassion and that your are able to take in others' care also.

[gravity]

Thanks, notalone.  I'm glad my visual helped you.

I made some nice treats today for my friends.  They liked them!  It made me feel good.  I'm glad they liked the treats.

[gravity]

It's been a while.  I've been up and down a lot, just trying to steer the ship towards calmer waters, but it still feels like quite the struggle.  Still trying to find a T, but I feel like I fluctuate wildly on how I feel about that.

There were a couple memories that popped up that I'm trying to integrate into my life and the fact I think I'm identifying self-sabotaging behaviors probably is related to those.

I remember there was a time where my F was out of town for a few days, so my M had to take care of me.  I woke up really, really sick and couldn't go to school.  I was really fatigued and could barely get myself out of my bed let alone grab my bag and wait for the school bus.  This was pretty unusual for me.  I was home alone because both parents worked.  When my M came home, she asked if I went to school.  I said no and said I felt really sick.  She then berated me for not going to school, made me feel ashamed and guilty for not going when I was so clearly sick.  She told me I needed to go to the school the next day.  I didn't.  Same thing.  I could barely get out of bed.  Something was really wrong.  And again she berated me.  I had to convince her I needed to go to the doctor, so we did.  What do you know, I had strep.  We go to pick up the medicine, and she is complaining that she has to pay 60 dollars for something that could save my life.  It's a wonder I'm so hesitant to ask for help when I'm clearly suffering and need help or very defensive with medical help.

I imagined what I would've done in that moment with that scared little person who was so sick.  I would believe them right away and take them for help right away.  It's not their fault for being sick and they will not be shamed for it.  I would stand between them and their M, protecting them from the abuse.  I would whisk them away to get the help they needed and tell my M to stop beating up a scared, defenseless child.  I would make lots of soup and tea for them, pile on blankets and give them the TV remote.  They would be comforted, protected, and safe.

Another memory (This may warrant a Trigger Warning: Gore) is when I was playing with my sibling, just some silly chasing games around the house.  Well, I hurt myself on my hand and I swear I saw the fat and muscle underneath.  I start panicking because, well, why not?  I'm conditioned to panic at this point, so that's what I do.  I'm bleeding and insisting we need to go to the hospital to get stitches.  My M takes me into the bathroom, pours some hydrogen peroxide on my hand, and slaps some gauze on it.  She said we didn't need to go to the hospital and to just deal with it.  I was in pain for days if not weeks while it healed.  I couldn't play my instrument very well, I couldn't partake in certain class activities, and I am amazed I have negligible effects of that accident today.  I feel so sad and angry at how I was brushed aside and invalidated like that.  I feel so sad for my inner child and what they had to go through.

What would I do in that instance?  I would be very concerned, take them to the bathroom to at least get them stable, emotionally and physically.  I would tell them it's okay, it was just an accident and if they wanted to go to the hospital to be taken care of we can go there.  We will be okay and I would do my best to get them the care they needed.  Lots of comfort, lots of understanding, lots of love.

The thing I realized with my M and her "parenting" was she never apologized, never thought the punishments were disproportionate to the crime, never thought it was unfair.  That makes me feel so sad and angry for this helpless child.  My M was suppose to protect and support me, but all I got was conditional love and punishments.  It's so unfair.

[gravity]

Finally have an appointment with a new T.  They say they're very familiar with CPTSD and that makes me cautiously hopeful.  I read the paperwork and there were some similar things from a previous therapist I really liked but had to discontinue treatment, so I'm taking that as a positive sign.

On another front, I struggled this week with feelings of belonging and connection.  It was like I was wanting to be part of a friend group, but no one could pick up on my subtle signals?  I was putting a lot of weight on how people interacted with me, and taking the negatives from it.  That doesn't help as it pushes me further into myself and eschewing any small connections I have with others.  It's like I'm telling myself they don't really care about me, so why bother putting any more effort into this relationship?  A learned defensive behavior, I'm sure.  But it really upsets me and my inner child because I really need the attention and people glossing over me or ignoring me or not making a small effort to include me reminds me of the many times my M did the same thing.  How do I break out of this?  Maybe the T will have some guidance on that front.

[Snowdrop]

I hope it goes well with the new T, Gravity. Fingers crossed.

[Not Alone]

I hope that this T is someone who is skilled, compassionate, and with whom you have a connection.

[gravity]

Thank you Snowdrop and notalone.  I appreciate it.

I had to step away for a bit as my symptoms/inner critic/outer critic became very toxic and I needed time to sort through all of that.

Had my first meeting with my T.  I like them so far.  It feels like a much better fit than before.  I'm hoping we can do a lot of work together to get me back where I need to be, resolve a lot of the buried pain with guidance.

Has anyone else in their recovery feel like they made good progress and then your brain was like, "You got a hold of the surface-level stuff, here's the deeper stuff," and became blindsided at how much more difficult it was to get back into a safe place?  I feel like that's something I'm struggling very hard with right now, so I'm hoping the new T can guide me through that.

There was also an article I read about the different things people say/do that invalidate survivors, but I have no idea what the link is or where it is.  I swear it's here on the forum somewhere, but I can't seem to find it.  There were some things said to me that I want to double check against that list to, idk, validate myself, I guess.  Does anyone know what that could be?  I'll keep looking, too.