Thoughts....(2nd journal)

[Snookiebookie2]

Think it's time for a second journal. My last one was long enough.

[marta1234]

Sending you a hug, if it's ok, with whatever you have going on.

[Snookiebookie2]

Quite often, I have thoughts that bubble up. Sometimes they're just there, and sometimes I really engage with them.

A thought I have quite often is about likeability.  How some people are just instantly likeable. Those people seem to attract others effortlessly.  They're people magnets.

When I notice this, I can't help realising that I'm the the antithesis of those people.  I'm very rarely instantly liked.  I don't attract people.

In fact, I'm very hard work ( and that's me be realistic and honest, it's not me beating myself up).  I'm confusing and hard to understand.  However, I genuinely think that I'm with knowing.  I'm loyal, honest and very, very caring.  Deep down, I think I'm clever and witty and in some ways pretty cool.

And yet, no-one make the effort.  Well, very very few do. And usually, those that do get to know me do it because they had to (i.e. a work colleague who had been moved to sit with me/near me). They rarely get to know me through choice.  Admittedly, they're always quite surprised when they get to know the 'real' me.  I'm often told that I've changed or 'come out of my shell'. But actually  it's just my guard had dropped due to spending time together and then being around me for a while.

It bothers me that I don't have likeability. I suppose it's just another thing where I can think "what's wrong with me?".   But it is also a problem because it makes me crave that kind of attention even more.  That, then, in turn, fuels my awkwardness and people think a I'm odd...or needy...or probably both. And then I will want to withdraw.

The only thing worse than being invisible and overlooked is someone taking a disliking to me.  And this seems to happen quite a bit.  We all make snap judgements, and I'm know I've judged people too.

They're are two types of instant dislike. First there's those who just decide they don't like you and you don't connect. Then there's those who will actively dislike you, and there those who will make you unhappy.  I've come across a few of those people in my life.  And no matter what you do, you'll never convince them that you're worthy and you'll never be able to change their opinions of you.

I can think of at least four or five people in my life like this.  And I found their opinions (i.e prejudice = judgement without knowledge of me) difficult to comprehend. Their treatment was very very harmful and scarred me. I suppose you'd say these people are bullies or narcissists. Others would call them perfectionists, powerful or headstrong.

I've never been be able to comprehend why they took an instant dislike to me.  And even harder to understand was their treatment of me.  They always made me feel inferior and sub standard.

Strangely one of the people who did this to me was my mother.  I find it hard to consider her a narcissist (even though she was very vain about her appearance), but she definitely bullied me. I can clearly say she scapegoated me too. I was the black sheep and my brother, then subsequently my daughter was the golden child.

There were definitely times when my own mother didn't like me. She couldn't accept that I didn't match up to her idea of what I should be (yes, that is a narcissistic trait).  The feeling of her disapproval and dislike was horrible.

To my mum, when things went wrong, or generally needed fixing, then it was up to me to fix. Quite often she would assume I'd not get it right. She would guilt me into doing stuff but I'd never get any credit for it.

I very rarely remember her being impressed or pleased with me. But generally speaking I think I have no charisma and my charm rarely works.

When our family was dysfunctional and I spoke out she was the main opponent.  She'd deride me and make out I was in the wrong. She would suggest that I was overreacting and bad tempered.  She likened me to me father, who had some kind of mental illness, possibly Borderline personality. So she was saying I was unstable and reactive. But I was isolated, ignored and felt totally disliked in my own family group.

It suited everyone's purposes to go with what my mother said. So they all backed her up. That hurt....a lot.

It wasn't until my mum passed away, and having long term therapy that I understand what happened. Since that time my husband and daughter have understood what happened and they have validated me and what I felt back then.

I grew up in a domestically violent home. My mum suffered terribly. She left when I was 16. I'd always expected that we'd have a proper mother-daughter relationship when we were away from my father and the fear. But what happened was she put herself first. I can appreciate that, but I couldn't understand the distance between us. I had to make the effort to keep the relationship going.  If I didn't go to see her, she wouldn't come to see me.

It's only now, that my daughter is the same age as I was when my mum left, that I realise what a mum should be doing and feeling.  I want to spend time connecting with my daughter. I want to make sure she is okay.

My mum could have been closer to me. She could have been there for me. And that didn't mean going back home to my abusive father. It didn't mean sacrificing her new relationship. It wouldn't have taken much effort or time. But she didn't make the effort. I was left by myself.

She made me feel abandoned. She didn't seem interested. Later in life she'd be critical of me or purposely  oppose my opinions.  In hindsight, it seems that she didn't like me. She favoured my daughter over me - I could never compete with her.

So at the bottom of it all, I didn't feel liked by my own mum. So when I'm overlooked, or someone instantly and actively dislikes me, it seems that is how the world should be. I'm not likeable.

[marta1234]

Snookie, I'm sorry this is your reality. Sending you a gentle hug if it's ok  .

[Not Alone]

So at the bottom of it all, I didn't feel liked by my own mum. So when I'm overlooked, or someone instantly and actively dislikes me, it seems that is how the world should be. I'm not likeable.

Really sad. 

However, I genuinely think that I'm with knowing.  I'm loyal, honest and very, very caring.  Deep down, I think I'm clever and witty and in some ways pretty cool.

Considering the treatment you received from your mother, it is almost miraculous that you are able to value yourself. Yahoo!

[Snookiebookie2]

One of the symptoms that I have is lack of identity. I don't really know who I am and what I do know I deeply despise or feel ashamed of. So who am I?.....

I constantly over think - always have. The earliest memory I have of this I was 8 years old.  I'd heard a chance comment about woodworm.  This slowly lead to me obsessing about it.   Until one day I absolutely lost the plot - I was convinced that our home was going to collapse around us.  The distorted thoughts had become so consuming.

As one of my previous posts mentioned, from the age of six I was already escaping into malaptive daydreaming and spending a long time in a fantasy world.  I did fully dissociate from time too.

I can't remember having many friends. I had quite severe asthma as a child and was hospitalised a few times.  Far from having sympathetic parents, they were cold or angry.  One of my early memories is being left alone in the living room, whilst recovering from a chest infection that had exacerbated my asthma. I remember wondering why no one would stay with me - I felt lonely.  I was constantly told off for forgetting my inhalers or doing it wrong. But now I realise that healthy parents would have taken the responsibility, and be compassionate and caring.

I wasn't allowed to play out quite often, due to b my asthma.  Living on a steep hill meant I wasn't allowed to ride a bike.  I missed a lot of school due to ill health.  I feel behind in lessons.  I wasn't very clever.  I was easily bullied and intimidated.

Because I was so lonely I used to talk to myself.  I still do this.  Just explaining things out loud to myself - justifying things. Or having imaginary arguements/conversations.  I sometimes speak to myself as an outsider - not sure why. I've been caught out talking to myself often - it's embarrassing as people think I'm weird.

It wasn't until I was in my late teens that I realised how wound up I was. And how little I could relate to others.  As my previous post explains, I just don't have instant likeability.

The ruminations and self doubts set in. I could only see others as being better.  The inner critic started to corrode me.

It during my very first bout of therapy that I coined a phrase that described my people pleasing desires.  That phrase was "praise junkie".  I became addicted to praise and approval.  I realised if you were doing well, then the world felt good and safe.  I only wanted that feeling. But it came at a cost. I had to become an overachiever.  Longer hours. Faster work.  Larger caseload. Every increasing targets and expectations.  But it wasn't sustainable.  My health suffered - but in a benign way.  I suffered with bladder inflammation on AC repeated basis.  The only thing that helped was to relax and not overwork.

I resolved not to work overtime, but that didn't help, as restricting my hours meant I'd get behind.    That stressed me and scared me.  So I'd rush. And make mistakes. And thus my perfectionism was born!

My mum would criticise me. Or infer things about me, with not so subtle hints and suggestions.  She made me very self conscious.  I was 12 when she taught me to check my reflection at every opportunity possible.  I'd be compared to others frequently, usual with the context that they were much better than me.

I always liked different things.  My musical tastes and clothes weren't the norm. But my mum used to get angry with me. And was mean to me about it. 

At 26, for the first time in my life I developed acne.  But not ordinary acne. It was cystic acne - nodules deep in the skin that don't come to a head.  Fortunately I only got them on my chin and nose. But in that small area I'd have 6 or 7 spots in various stages.  They would fester and scan and then scar.   So I could look a mess. One person thought I could have impetigo (an infectious scabbing disease).

I used to look after myself and had my hair done. I remember one occasion when I'd paid £85 (some years ago a lot of money).  My mum didn't even comment on my hair, just that it was a shame about my skin. She told me that I needed to sort it.

I've spent loads of money and time trying to fix my cystic acne. I've had several prescription items. Nothing had fully worked.  Even now at 48 I constantly have cysts.

So I learned that I didn't match up.  I was criticized for being me. Others were better at things than me, even if I was putting in huge effort.  I just wasn't very good.

No one I feel like I don't know who I am.  I basically appalled and ashamed at who I am and who I want to be. I am effectively hiding from myself.

Even though she's gone I still feel her judgements

[sanmagic7]

hey, snookie,

sometimes when we're brought up by someone who shows dislike to us, i think it's very easy to believe we're unlikeable, and even to begin acting in ways that put people off us at the very beginning.  i'm not saying you do this - from what i know of you on this forum, you are very concerned, caring, and someone i'd want to know.  i'm just saying that i heard a long time ago that it's very common to act in ways our parents portrayed us. 

i do believe that's why i became an overachiever, pushing myself harder and harder throughout my life, acting like i had all the answers.  it distanced others from me as well, but i can trace it back to my father's expectations he put on me.  i, also, was very friendly, but often intimidated others before they got to know that side of me.

weird how that works sometimes.  i've worked on that piece of myself, have had to since i got too sick to push myself like that anymore.  i do hope you find your way to let out that sweet, caring, friendly, likeable side of you more easily.  you are likeable, snook.  i like you. 

love and hugs to you, dear snookie.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks for your replies Marta and Notalone.

San, many thanks for the love and validation.  It means so much x

[Snookiebookie2]

At work we have an employee of the month award.  Two employees out of the 20 staff are selected each month.  Four of those staff are senior management so don't get selected (they're pretty much the ones that choose). So there's 16 of us.

The idea is to recognize someone who goes above and beyond.  But often they get it for doing their job

I won in January 2019.  And recently I've noticed that I have a really bad tempered reaction to it each month.

Initially I'm disappointed not to have been selected.  Then I feel negative about myself.  Then I get angry. Then I get very resentful at those chosen - mentally running them down.

Some months, whilst working from home, I have even cried.  Ridiculous really.

This month, I wasn't recognized, again. I was a little more philosophical and accepted it.

This morning, without even thinking about, it occurred that I'm one of only three people who haven't been recognized in nearly two years. The others are receptionists, so unlikely to be able to do additional tasks or be spotted for their work. And they were furloughed for six months too.

I feel deflated.

I have  done some impressive things at work and made lots of progress.  I can only assume it's expected.  Or that I'm not liked (see previous posts). Or that I'm invisible (this is the most likely).

This reminded  of a time about 20 years ago.  I was covering a colleague for maternity leave.

Each week we completed a form for the supervisor which gave figures for outstanding work, new instructions and case load.  The form had become quite worn due to repeated photocopying.   Items had been added in pen and it looked messy.

I decided to take it home and do a fresh form over the weekend.   I handed in the revised and neat form on Monday - quite pleased with myself.

Within half an hour my supervisor marched into my office.  Dropped the form on my desk. Said "we'll have that back as it was" in an angry tone and marched  off.

I was devastated.  I didn't understand what I'd done so bad.

I knew then as now, I should have challenged her.  And she probably was annoyed that there were some things I was better at.

It was the injustice that got me.  Had the lady I was covering for redone the weekly form then she wouldn't have reacted the same way.  She'd probably have complimented her.

So why does it happen.  That others get praise and I get ignored, or berated.  It's that likeability factor, again.

[Not Alone]

At a previous job, when I finally got "employee of the month," my supervisor (who liked me and nominated me) said to me, "It's about time." Truthfully, I agreed with her. It was about time. It had been several years and I did believe I did a really good job. I'm not sure in my case why it didn't happen earlier, but I think everyone needs to be affirmed in one way or another. I hear how discouraging and deflating this feels to you.

[rainydiary]

Snookie, as I read your entries I felt like you were writing the thoughts and experiences I have.  It helps me to hear these experiences and thoughts shared by others.  It gives me perspective.  Thank you for sharing these reflections. 

[Snookiebookie2]

Notalone thank you for sharing and for your validation.  Rainydiary, thank you for your comments and validation. It's reassuring to know from both of you that I'm not alone in my experiences.

[Snookiebookie2]

I can accept as I get older that my memory wouldn't be as sharp as it was.  I do that thing of walking into a room and forgetting why I went there.  Words, names and place names Alyse allude me. I go to say them and they're not there. But days later I know them.  It's the strangest feeling, but completely natural.

One of the things I didn't expect (and triggers my CPTSD) is getting things wrong.  It's definitely happening more frequently. Either that or I'm more sensitive to it.

This is displayed mainly at me misunderstanding something. I'll have an opinion over what something means, how something is. Someone will disagree with me. And the outcome usually is that I'm proved wrong. 

As someone who was repeatedly criticised by both parents and my brother throughout my life, you can understand why being wrong is an uncomfortable place to be.  I've also been bullied in school and in the workplace.

Whilst I know that being wrong doesn't make me a bad or evil person, it makes me feel exposed and unsafe. It also sets off my inner critic, followed by perfectionism and shame.

At approaching 50, being wrong and out of step, just makes me feel old and worthless. What do I have to contribute from my life experience if I'm getting things wrong. I just feel  irrelevant and stupid.

I know, I know that the thing to work on here is acceptance. Accepting that I'm wrong. That the world will not end even if I'm wrong all day, every day. But it feels a heavy burden because I've already been wrong. And I've been made to feel bad for being in the wrong. And it's that pain that I can't bear anymore. I don't want to add anything else to that pain.

But it frightens me that it's going to get worse and worse. That I'm going to be wrong more and more. And that I'm going to sink under this shower of negative emotions and thoughts. 

I then get stuck in freeze mode. I become unable or unwilling to make choices for fear of being wing. I second guess myself. I ruminate.  All adding to the negative energy.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, a vicious spiral, indeed.  all i can say is that now, in my 70's, i totally get it.  i'll swear i remember something my d said, and she tells me it didn't happen, or the other way around.  i think some of it is because we have so much neg. memories in our minds that they kind of keep other things from sticking - like why you walked into a room.  my opinion only.  but i like to think that way to help myself feel not so bad about forgetting or being wrong.

i also think that as we do recovery work, our minds are really active with the job of processing information in order to move on from it.  that takes a lot of energy to do, and sometimes there may not be enough energy left over to remember the day to day things like where we put our keys.

i also know that feeling of being scared when it happens more often than usual.  believe me, you're not old and worthless.  i do hope that now when you're wrong, you are not being criticized by people, that you have more accepting people around you.  if so, can you hang on to that?  plus, your responses here, reaching out, giving support are all very helpful to the rest of us, which makes you worth a lot no matter your age.

sending love and a hug full of tolerance for aging     i'm hanging onto that one for myself, too!

[Snookiebookie2]

San,

Many thanks for your response x

And thank you for the understanding and the hugs x